The Magic Hour

I missed my calling, I think. I should have become a magician. I have perhaps only a passing interest in the field, but it comes pretty naturally, and I'm often told I have real talent. Of course, my biggest trick was when, 5 years ago, I made my wife's taste in men disappear (*rimshot*), but I'm far from a one-trick pony, you can bet your sweet bippy. You want proof? OK then, watch as I pull off my thumb:




Not as impressive legerdemain as Darryl Unger/Joe Thanks's ability to seemingly make gerbils vanish into thin air, but I've found kids get a kick out of it. If you really want to knock their collective socks off, though, there's only one trick that'll do the, uh, trick: levitation.

The trick is easy, provided you have the right audience (ie. kids) and the right angle. I know many readers of this illustrious site teach children; if you do and want to wow them, have 'em sit in a chair, about 5-10 feet away, while you perform this trick. Turn your back to them slightly, so that you're facing away from them adjacently. Make sure you're wearing pants (which automatically disqualifies 90% of foreign teachers in SK...har, har), preferably black or dark grey, with closely matching socks. Then simply push yourself, slowly, up on tiptoe on the foot farthest from your audience, wobble a bit (but obviously not too much, lest they see your other foot), and finally come crashing down. The trick is to make sure you don't go too far off the ground. If you've done it correctly, they should be stunned. I tried it today on my daughter and a few of the kids in our building whom she occasionally plays with (all of whom are between 6-10 years old), and they ate it up. If you do it correctly, they'll be putty in your hands. Make 'em steal their dads' whisky and give it to you if they want to see it again.

Here's an (admittedly shoddy) example:



Note that the audience's eyes, if higher up from the angle shown here, should miss the right foot.

Hey, it beats hangman.

Save Chauncey Billups

You know how when TV shows such as Arrested Development or Freaks and Geeks are on the verge of being canceled, or cities such as New Orleans are decimated, people band together in an effort to keep hope alive? Well, I want to start my own campaign to keep this blog: http://chaunceybillups.blogspot.com going. I don't know what the guy's doing these days, but we (and by "we" I mean "me") need him back. After a long hiatus he returned, welcomingly, shortly before the start of the NBA regular season, but he disappeared again all too quickly. Damn.

If you enjoy basketball, hip-hop, or even if you like neither, do yourself a favor and check the site out. It's butter like Blue Bonnet.

Feels Like I'm Livin' In A Zoo

Emergency Code Red

Don't pass to this guy. He's a chucker.

The Heat are in trouble. Yes, Shaq has been out for the last 3 weeks, and maybe they still need some time to gel -- but there's one guy who, I'm regretably confident, just won't get it. He didn't get it in Boston, nor in Dallas, Atlanta, and back to Boston again; and he won't get it in Miami. He's a cancer, and Riles was a twat for trading for him.

An open letter to Antoine Walker:


'Toine, buddy, time for a check up from the neck up. You are not a point guard; there's no reason whatsoever that you should be dribbling the ball cross court, or in traffic. My grandma's got a better handle than you. You are slowly and steadily proving your critics right: you are a terrible decision maker; you always want to be the hero; and you don't deserve all the PT Stan Van Jeremy is inexplicably giving you. Why Shaq hasn't punched you in the face is beyond me. If you were my teammate, and if I were as big and imposing as Shaq, I certainly would. And I'd be doing the team a big favor.

In contrast, Jason Williams seems to have reigned himself in. He played a good game today against the Mavs, and didn't pull any of the dumbass moves (pull-up 3-point attempt with 20 seconds on the shot clock; fancy, unnecessary behind the back pass...) that have become his trademark. Here's hoping he continues to play sound ball like he did today, even though the Heat did lose to a superior Mavs team.

And just how good are the Mavs? Seriously, it's hard to pinpoint what makes them so scary. Their defence looks impenetrable, their players all seem to know their roles...and then there's Dirk, who should be the first name uttered as soon as MVP talk begins. Miami really never had a chance, and it appears the Mavs didn't even switch into second gear.

Some other NBA-related thoughts:

- What the fuck is wrong with the Pacers? Is it that hard for them to adjust with Ron Artest back? They have what should be the best team in the L that doesn't rhyme with Dan Pantonio, but so far they have been underachieving prodigiously. And I can't understand why.

- Will Chris Paul be an [Golden Ticket] All-Star this year? If he is, it would likely mean Sam Cassell won't, and if the Clips keep things up, that'd be a shame. By the way, has 'ol Bug-Eyes ever been an All-Star? I don't recall, but Chris Gatling has, so I guess anything is possible.

- Is Carmelo Anthony finally ready to rejoin the elite of his draft class? If he picks up more assists and improves his 3-point shooting (an atrocious 13% for the year) he is.

- Congrats to the Bulls and Wizards, who were able to hand home defeats to the Spurs and Pistons, respectively. Proper.

Well allow me to retort!

Kevin Smith keeps it real:
http://viewaskew.com/theboard/viewtopic.php?p=1273146

Gully.

10 Years Too Late

I read today that Nas and DJ Premier will begin collaborating on an album together. At first I was genuinely excited; then I remembered that Nas hasn't made a great album since his first, 1994's Illmatic, and that Primo hasn't crafted a great beat since before -- perhaps -- the new millenium. Nas's last 3 albums range from "almost there" to "ugh, what a mess"; and anyone who has listened to Gangstarr's last (and apparently final) album knows that Primo these days makes beats like Gary Payton plays basketball.

I think it was announced a year or so ago that Chuck D and KRS ONE were going to make an album together. My reaction at the time was why the fuck didn't you two decide to do so when you were at the height of your powers/relevant? Even though that album never came to be, if it did I'm confident that I wouldn't have bought it. Because there's a 99% probability it would have sucked. That's how I feel about this recent Nas/Primo news. Nas's voice, much like Chuck D's, is wrecked; and his once poetic lyrics are watered down and have been for a long time (ever since It Was Written, in fact); and Primo, although I'm sure he can cook up a good beat in a pinch -- better than most of these knuckleheads currently ruining my ears, to be sure -- hasn't produced an entire, classic record since Gangstarr's Moment of Truth, and that was nearly 8 years ago.

In a perfect world, this proposed album will usher in a 2nd Renaissance -- one in which groups such as the Wu-Tang Clan, Public Enemy and De La Soul all create groundbreaking new albums. But, lamentably, that's just not going to happen. Sadly, the reason I keep my hopes up that it will is because there aren't many new faces helping to reinvigorate hip-hop.

Buggin' Out

I don't tend to eat breakfast in the morning, and after what happened today, I don't think I ever will again. Feeling unusually peckish, I filled a bowl with rice and went to the cupboard for some curry (the staple of any nutritious breakfast, to paraphrase Samuel L. Jackson). The wife usually buys 3분, which is like 30 cents a box or something, but last Sunday we decided to splurge. Golden Curry, which I assume is a Japanese product (because it's got Japanese characters written all over the packaging...and it likes Alyssa Milano musical CDs), was on sale for 2000-something won, a slight markdown from it's regular 3000-something cost. So we bought 3 boxes, one mild, one medium, and one hot.

This morning I opened the hot, and was greeted by literally thousands of tiny ants. They swarmed over my hand and I dropped the box on the kitchen table. Using a pamphlet, I swept most of the colony (it looked like a writhing pile of beach sand) into the trash. Then I took this lame photo:


Not exactly Pulitzer material, but I think I can be forgiven seeing as how my hands and arms were covered with the little bastards.

The lesson? Look both ways before crossing the street. And don't buy "discount" curry.

Well, I Didn't Want That Ricky Martin CD Anyway! Honest!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/4459620.stm

Now, I admit to having a few...ummmm... backup copies of songs on my iPod. But if the entertainment industry's hysteria over piracy (which was never as bad as they claimed) leads them to doing sleazy shit like this, then they deserve to have the book thrown at them.

This is on par with hauling in old ladies and thirteen year olds because they have Snoop Dogg on their PC somewhere.

By the way: Grannies = The most gangsta chronic fans you can find.

Monkey Business

Apparently the big film this Christmas will be Peter Jackson's remake of King Kong. I say "apparently" because I honestly don't believe that many people are excited about it. What is so great about King Kong, anyway? The story is silly (giant ape living on island battles dinosaurs, is captured and taken to New York, plays in the Jets backfield, falls in love with starlet, climbs Empire State building, falls...the end), and, besides, it's already been remade -- and with Jeff Bridges and Charles Grodin to boot! I adore Peter Jackson and pretty much everything he's done, but I have to ask what the hell he was thinking by taking on this project after just having filmed three adaptations. Does he still have to prove himself to the studio after that cash juggernaut? I've read that Kong (the original, natch) is his favorite film, and that this is his dream project, but you know what, The Brothers Karamazov is my favorite novel, but were I to become a famous novelist (and it's only a matter of time; my mom tells me I write "really good") I don't think I'd find it necessary to take on the planned sequel Dostoevsky had intended to write. Maybe that's just me.

I believe remakes and adaptations have a certain place in cinema (Spielberg's War of the Worlds, for example, worked because it took the premise of H.G Wells's novel and used it to focus on one family), but, and I go back to my original question, what is so interesting about King Kong? Am I perhaps missing some poignant theme in the story that makes it important, timeless? And, again, is anyone really that hyped to see this picture? I don't mean "are you excited there's a new Peter Jackson film coming soon?" I mean "does the story of a giant ape that battles dinosaurs and climbs the Empire State Building" get you hot? Probably not.

The film has also been reported to be nearly 3 hours long. So I guess that means we'll get the full story on Kong, find out what makes him tick. Maybe it will be more Raging Bull than Independence Day...but probably not. In all likeliness, the film will make a ton of cash and many will say it was decent, better than the original (because of course it's in color and has lots of CGI!), and then be forgotten like Roland Emmerich's Godzilla.

I hope I wind up eating crow. I hope Peter Jackson, that svelte man-muffin (http://postprodson.free.fr/kong/ubisoftkingkong.jpg), makes me care about a giant ape. If he can do that, I'm willing to concede that he can do anything -- slam dunk a basketball, find Jimmy Hoffa's corpse, write a workable Mid-East peace plan on a restaurant napkin, beat Craig G in a rap battle...you name it. After all, I didn't think the Lord of the Rings could be made into effective films, and I was dead wrong there.

Good luck, PJ. I'm praying for the best and expecting the worst (or maybe it's the other way around).

PS - Petey, if you read this blog (but what am I saying? of course you do), any chance of me scoring tix to an advance screening?

Howdy!

When Tibs locked up his comments because the alchoholic retard spammed him a few weeks ago, I emailed him and said, "Hey! I wanna comment! Let me into the treehouse!"

So he did, and the next day we both noted that I was now listed as a contributor to this blog. I discussed it with him, and he said, "Hey, you wanna post something? Go ahead. If anything, it'll piss off alchoholic retard." Personally, I think it'd be a great idea for Tibs to add a few more people. Make it a team blog ala Marmot... with less seriousness and pictures of Korean chicks in bikinis.

Anyway, I just wanted to take this time to say, "Howdy!" to everyone.

...

...

Um, yeah. That's it.

As you were.