Monday, June 17, 2013

Six Shots till Summation: A Game of Quarters

House (1977)

Not sure what to say about this film other than "Yes, that's a dune buggy full of bananas" and "No, I haven't the slightest idea what a dune buggy full of bananas is supposed to mean."


Apparently, director Nobuhiko Obayashi drew upon his prepubescent daughter's notion of horror for the film and believe me, it shows.

Bonus Round!

Obayashi is also known for directing the ever-popular, ever-awesome Mandom commercials.

Sunday, June 09, 2013

Love Lust Faith + Dreams (Not a Review)

As indicated above, this is not a review of Love Lust Faith + Dreams, the latest 30 Seconds to Mars album. Whether it's good, bad, or a fart in the wind that smells of butterscotch and digitized Japanese schoolgirls is beyond the scope of this blog, post, or blog and post because as I've stated many times in the past, this isn't a music blog. I don't drink mocha mango lattes at designer coffee shops staffed by cheap, imported labor. I don't make a living by leeching off the wealthy, nor do I dance upon the backs of the broken. I don't live in a desert where the shit is stacked higher than the skyscrapers. Like I said, I am not a music blogger.

The following is what came to mind as I listened to the album, song by song. Take only what you needn't.


Birth - I don't know, horns, you're sort of rubbing me the wrong way, but no, wait, the shouts have redeemed you. Slow build, like an orgasm. With horns.

Conquistador - One, two, three, go! For those who don't know me very well, phrases like "Trojan whore" pretty much ensure that this track is destined to become my favorite of the disc, though I have yet to determine whether the folks are chanting "We will rise again" or "We will ride again." Personally, I prefer the latter, but fuck it! Both work.

Shit, love didn't last so long. Shocking.

Up in the Air - I can only guess how many minutes will pass before an even dancier remix of this song hits the Internet. Don't get me wrong, I love this shit like Harrison Forbes loves posting pictures of his dachshund on Facebook*, but let's call it what it is: a dance track at heart.

City of Angels - I won't lie. The title evokes images of Meg Ryan and Nicholas Cage, but I won't hold inauspicious naming against the band. I guess it would mean more to Californians. If I had been born somewhere near Los Angeles and thus prone to mediocre, elegiac lyrics better suited to a teenager's scribblings on the bathroom stall of a local Burger King, I'd be more enamored with this song. But I wasn't, so I'm not.

The Race - Simple lyrics, but unlike the preceding song, there is beauty to be found in simplicity. I'm not running...from this song.

End of All Days - "All we need is faith?" You speak a foreign language to me, Mr. Jared Leto. I prefer Taco Bell. The song may be about the need for faith, sure, but unless it's covered in cheese and Spanish rice, faith isn't going down this throat. Nice, slow track anyway.


A local television station is broadcasting a Ray Harryhausen marathon. You're a bad man, wizard Tom Baker, for distracting me like this!


Pyres of Varanasi - As an instrumental, this works for me, but isn't this the fifth song in the category of lust? On an album consisting of twelve songs devoted to four concepts, five songs for one idea seems a bit much. Love got the shaft, metaphorically or not.


Bright Lights - Word to Jay McInerney, this song hits the spot. Do I dream to love, or live to run? More importantly, who gives a shit? Keep singing, playboy.

Do or Die - Can I be honest, Do or Die? You're the Hite (or Cass, or OB, or Cafri, or...) of songs on this album. Functional, but lackluster. ...Hey, come on, Do or Die, don't be like that. You and I had some good times.

Convergence - Short, sweet, and voiceless, much like my relationships. Score.


Northern Lights - Five words: You would eat your young. Congratulations, Northern Lights, you are now tied for the coveted position of favorite song on the disc. Dreams indeed.

Depuis Le D├ębut - Daniel Plainview likes this. I kid, I kid, but seriously, Paul Thomas Anderson approves, though it may have been dreams which got the shaft. Then again, isn't that the way of the world?

* Which is to say, my love for this track is fucking OUT OF CONTROL. 

Thursday, June 06, 2013

Like They Do in the Future

Parents, take note: whether it's through watching the Terminator series -"Who is... Arnold Shores 'n' burger?"- or listening to great tunes -"Do right, do right, do right, do right"- you can rest assured that children left in my care learn far more than you ever will.