Saturday, September 08, 2012

Sheepskin Esplanade

   
Oh Land - Rainbow


      In the kitchen of a two-story olivine stucco on Garden Drive a boy named Uriel sits sobbing with knees pulled to his chin. He rocks back and forth upon marble tiles once described by his mother as Andes Calacuta but to him it just looks like someone spilled chocolate milk and never bothered to clean up the mess. Uriel is five years old, pushing six, and he weeps because the master bedroom on the second floor of this particular stucco on Garden Drive is ablaze with his parents dead inside it. He wails because his brother, Tristan, lies motionless upon the staircase while his aunt, Amelia, rests lifelessly just outside the dining room of this once happy home, each the victim of at least one blast from a Mossberg 590 pump-action shotgun owned by a man whose name no longer exists, for it has been lost within the corpse of a catlike, manlike mascot lying at the base of the stairs. Tristan, a shot to the chest, unexpected; Amelia, one to her left hip, from behind, another, point blank, to her right breast, on the floor, rolled over, unaided by desperate pleas; the Cougar, nothing quite so loud, yet easily twice as sweet.

     Within the stuccoed carcass of this broken home the boy remains, rocking and weeping, living and breathing, watching and waiting; for he is neither deceased nor abandoned, and the one to thank for this rummages through the kitchen in search of an agreeable meal, her disdain for clean eating readily apparent. Clearly, almost sardonically repulsed by the likes of spelt bread, homemade almond milk, roasted summer squash, wheatgrass smoothies, hummus and carrot sticks, citrus celery salad, organic peanut butter oatmeal, and a pizza without cheese the woman settles for a clipped bag of Lay's Kettle Cooked Sea Salt & Cracked Pepper chips, a jar of pesto, and a 2-liter bottle of Canada Dry. She then joins Uriel upon the floor, sitting cross-legged, naked, and peculiar. That the woman lacks clothing should trouble him, as should the bits of charred flesh clinging to her own skin which, despite its griminess, appears significantly healthier than it did a few minutes ago. That her hair, though dingy, remains intact should elicit curiosity and indeed it does, but for a boy on the verge of six, it is the hair between legs spread which captivates one so effortlessly, and the urge to cry has been supplanted by an urge to know more.

     The scorched woman, both mindful of and amused by the child's fascination, repositions the bag of chips, thus obscuring Uriel's view of her crotch but the accompanying laughter, mildly hyenic, assures him that he has done nothing too wrong. In the punctured heart of this bloody, burning maelstrom Uriel watches intently as the woman blithely dips a pair of fingers, middle and fore, the gooey, bloodstained ones, into the jar, scooping out an oily, almost putrescent glob of crushed basil and nondescript additives. She complements the luscious sludge with a handful of potato chips, only to stuff the stinky, salty mess into her mouth. Chewing profusely, Uriel's charred companion, this angel without a halo, sticks her tongue, mangled contents and all, out at him, much to the boy's momentary, detached delight; for even in the darkest of hours a child can be distracted, and in this moment, an idea springs to mind.

     Uriel leaps to his feet, leaving the woman to chug, chug, chug the ginger ale while her free hand wipes the remnants of the sumptuous, artificially-flavored feast into her sooty, matted locks. By the time half the bottle's contents have been consumed, the boy returns, teary-eyed, dragging a flamboyantly colored Desigual jacket behind him as an offering to his unclad champion. Again she laughs, postulating, though not contemptuously that he can be the kid brother she's already had. Risen, the woman snatches the garment from his outstretched arms and tries it on, noting that it's just a tad big; that she adores the splashes, swirls, and various shades of red and blue which define it; and finally, accompanied by a smirk, that Uriel really ought to see her in the coat after she's taken a shower. He doesn't quite grasp what she means, but neither of them seem to care.

     Sounds, sounds, as they're apt to do, abound: the crackling of encroaching flames; the recurrent whine of smoke detectors; the distant shouts of onlookers; the incoming blare of sirens. It's all so terribly annoying, the woman informs Uriel, and she hasn't the patience for such things let alone an inclination to gratify strays; but in this case, given that she relishes his mother's coat, is willing to make an exception so long as he can brown-bag those emotions of his and keep up or, to be precise, keep quiet. Without giving him the slightest chance to respond one way or the other, the woman tilts, jarringly, toward the patio door; each step taken a disjointed lunge of sorts, and for a second or two Uriel wonders if she'll simply use her body to stab through the glass itself, but she doesn't. She unlocks the door, slides it open, and questions whether he's coming or not. With nary a thought, Uriel chases after his dilapidated savior, eager to make her acquaintance and, somehow, meet with her approval while the woman, in contrast, merely shrugs and steps further into the night.


Wednesday, September 05, 2012

WELCOMETOTHENEXTLEVEL


Consider the following advertisement:





Now, consider its claims:
  • handles stubborn stains as well as
  • embarrassing bald spots (no problem!)
  • slices and dices, makes thousands of Julienne Fries
  • you can play it, too
  • a $54.99 value
  • fits easily into any tackle box
  • made from a space-age polymer plastic for years of family fun
  • pets love it, too
  • teeth twinkle when held

Finally, accept the truth:

Unlike Sonic (the Hedgehog) 2, I embody all of the above. 

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

A Man and His Dachshund



Some say a man is defined by his choice in pets; in which case, let the world know of one Harrison Forbes. And check out those pants! And check out that dog's schlong!

Sunday, September 02, 2012

Impressionable (Age)

People tend to wonder about me. Here's a hint, sort of.

Friday, August 31, 2012

Leave a Light On (for Thee)


Playradioplay! - I'm Afraid There's a Hole in My Brain

     We were standing on an overpass, the two of us, leaning against the steel railing as traffic, both oncoming and outgoing, sped beneath our feet in flashes of red, yellow, and halogen white on the hottest of hot nights when she said the strangest of strange things to me. The ultimate weakness of violence, she began, gazing upon the cars, trucks and motorcycles as they passed us by, is that it is a descending spiral begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. You may murder the liar, she continued, dismissively waving her hand toward the stars above, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. You may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate, nor establish love. She lit a cigarette at this point, as she's apt to do when something's on her mind; something, as I've come to learn, she can't refrain from sharing. Returning violence for violence multiplies the violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out the darkness. Only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. An awkward moment ensued, for I knew not what to say, let alone think. Martin Luther King, Jr. said that, she informed me. Great man, she opined, and a flummoxed "Huh" was all I could manage in the time it took her to toss a cinder block into oncoming traffic.




And that, as we say, was that.




Sunday, August 26, 2012

Same Title, Different Song XI


Though it may come as a surprise to longtime readers of this hallowed blog, the topic of this post is not Helen Slater, for while Ms. Slater is many things (awesome, for starters*) invincible isn't one of them - which is a shame, really, but box office receipts are the bread and butter of actors and actresses. Nevertheless, invincibility is the matter at hand, and Helen Slater has a role to play, one I'll get back to in a moment or five.

In a classic case of metropolitan rivalry, we have Chicago's very own OK Go going head-to-head with New York City's Pat Benatar for control of the term itself. Now, I won't divulge which of the two songs I prefer but the appearance of Helen Slater** should give you a big, almost legendary hint.

OK Go - Invincible
Pat Benatar - Invincible


* See also, perfect.
** When they finally come to destroy the Earth, they'll have to go through Slater first.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Friday, August 03, 2012

...And You're Lazy, Too!


Have I ever told you that I'm extraordinarily lazy?* If not, the picture above should dispel any notions to the contrary. As an adorable little girl's sixth birthday rapidly approached, I decided against a traditional card, opting for something digital instead. To achieve this goal, I taped six sheets of paper to a wall, and as you can clearly see, composed a rather colorful birthday message, though there was much more to the process than that. Actually, what I did was paint each letter, take a shot with my camera, paint another letter, take a picture, repeat, repeat, repeat (repeat) until I had enough material to create an animated gif, which can be seen below.


Everything written thus far may not suggest laziness but here's the catch: her birthday was on May 28th and the picture at the top of this post was taken yesterday.* Seriously. When it comes to stuff one can put off till tomorrow, call me sensei.


* In college, I'd eat ravioli straight from the can just to avoid the arduous tasks of a) having to microwave that shit and b) cleaning the dish afterward.
** I guess it should be mentioned that I've never been huge into posters or, for that matter, wall fixtures of any kind. The last time I had something on a wall, Duran Duran was hip and The Monster Squad was new. In other words, if something goes up these days, rest assured it's going to stay up.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Six Shots till Summation: Rage in a Cage

Werewolf in a Women's Prison (2006)

You may be thinking to yourself, Women? Werewolf? Prison? Awesome! and you'd be correct -in theory, at least- because everyone loves exploitation films but alas, ideals and reality don't always click as well as, say, Harrison Forbes and dachshund genitalia. This film is one such example of that sad fact. For a B-movie it's not all that bad, but when I see a title like Werewolf in a Women's Prison I expect that shit to be golden like King Midas' feces. On the upside, it's refreshing to see a werewolf willing to hit the gym seven days a week just to play a lupine Arnold Schwarzenegger.






















































































Hey, have I mentioned that the werewolf in this film is totally ripped? Because it totally is.




























Saturday, July 07, 2012

Free, Agency


"You have so much more space in which to ha ha ha ha."

-- James Murphy, LCD Soundsystem, "Yr City's a Sucker"

"Bye, bye, baby it's been a sweet love
Though this feeling I can't change
But please don't take it so badly
'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame
But, if I stayed here with you girl
Things just couldn't be the same
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now
And this bird you can not change
"

-- Lynyrd Skynyrd, "Freebird"


I love Boston.

It's a great city, perhaps the best city in the U.S. Boston isn't a franchise city, and what I mean by that is that Boston has a genuine identity beyond the usual "Look what we have!" that defines a lot of big American cities -- New York and Los Angeles, specifically (Chicago can walk the walk, though).

New England, which I love dearly, has a small-town mentality (and, yeah, the xenophobia associated with small towns, too, but it's part of the charm if you can put your righteous indignation card in your back pocket); and Boston, the nation's tenth-biggest city, is the mayor, talking big, puffing out its chest, and taking care of its little brothers (Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont...and Connecticut and Rhode Island on occasion).

To outsiders such as myself, this particular urban characteristic is both endearing and downright irritating when it comes to sports -- sorry, spahts. Too many Bostonians feel their teams deserve, nay, are destined, to win everything, and that's been compounded by the fact that, since the Patriots beat the Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI, Boston has been on a terrific spahts run: 2 World Series titles, 3 Super Bowl championships, and a Stanley Cup. But when Boston teams don't win, out come the woe mongers. Call the waahmbulance.

To quote Clint Eastwood, deserve's got nothing to do with it.

The simple truth is that sports fans deserve nothing, and any city, however great, has no entitlement to win. Winning is a drug, though, for players and fans. For cities with teams that haven't won much, it's not that big of a deal, because they aren't hooked yet, but for cities that have tasted the glory at the top of the summit? Withdrawal is hard.

I love Toronto.

It's a great city, perhaps the best city in Canada. Toronto, however, is totally a franchise city, and what I mean by that is that Toronto's identity is defined more by "Look what we pretend we have" more than what it actually does have. And when it comes to spoorts, Toronto has been starving. The city's sports fans, though, keep paying for a steak dinner that never comes.

To natives such as myself, this particular devotion is both noble and total fucking bullshit. There's something to be said for loyalty; but if my wife -- Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment, in this analogy -- wouldn't even give me a kiss on my birthday -- "birthday" representing years of drafts, trade opportunities, and free-agency non-signings -- I'd divorce her. Because everyone wants to be loved. It's like oxygen. Not enough and you're gonna die.

Welcome to the Miami Heat, Ray Allen.