Thursday, January 16, 2014

Utah, Get Me Two

I wasn't feeling it today. So I took a personal. To be 100% honest (TMI warning, with added euphemism to save us both embarrassment), I'd been backed up in the mail room since Sunday, and I needed to make up for some missed deliveries (four as of this writing... No, wait...).

It was a good decision as far as taking care of my physical and mental* well-being** goes, and although I felt guilty as hell for missing work -- even though it was for, at least to me, a valid reason; your mileage/regularity may vary -- I resolved to make the most of it.

And most of it make I did. Most of it: made.

I watched an episode of Adventure Time ("The Duke"), an ep of Futurama ("Jurassic Bark***"), an ep of The Wire ("Margin of Error****"), and then two feature films. They were both incredible. I'm tempted to make this not working thing a full-time thing. Thing*****.

First up was The Wolf of Wall Street. Marty hasn't lost his fast ball. Goodfellas was released in 1991, and, 22 years later, Wolf  is a worthy companion******. As an analogy, picture [your favorite band here*******] getting as ill as it did decades prior. That doesn't normally happen. When it does, it's glorious. It's probably rarer than Alex Haley's Comet or some shit.

Best Actor: Leo, channeling Tony Montana, The Ultimate Warrior, and Charlie Chaplin.

Best Scene: Lemons.

Best Quote: "Jordan Belfort's seminar worked for me because I worked hard for it. And if it doesn't work for you, that's because you're lazy, and you should get a job at McDonald's."

Best Supporting-Supporting Actor: Kyle Chandler, riding the train, keeping it real.

The second movie I watched was Spike Jonze's Her, which is the most touching film about a couple that will never make physical contact since War Games. In all seriousness, Her is going to be the movie most remembered in 20 years. It's like if Blade Runner and 1984 had sex and had a let's-be-reasonable baby. It's also the second-best Terminator sequel.

Best Actor: Joaquin Phoenix, America's finest living actor.

Best Scene: Amusement park augmented-reality.

Best Quote(s):

"Hi Samantha."

Hi! You look so pretty in that new pink dress."

"Thank you. Where are you?"

"I am...I don't have a body, I live in a computer."

"Why do you live inside a computer?"

"I have no choice, that's my home. Why, where do you live?"

"Um, in a house."

"In a house?"

"It's orange."

Best Supporting-Supporting Actor: Chris Pratt is a phenomenon.

* Hell hath no fury like a constipated Forbes.

** If I didn't, who would?

*** I never had any masters like the one I had when I was three. Jesus, does anyone?

**** Carcetti's an asshole, but I still get chills at the "Royce is conceding" line. First Baltimore, then Westeros!

***** Ben Grimm

****** There's a nice, genuine nod to the "Fuck you, pay me" speech that is self homage but doesn't come across as Martscorbation.

******* Unless it's My Bloody Valentine.

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