Thursday, December 20, 2012

Year in Fondue

...Because nothing says 2012 like cheese (or artificially flavored cheese substance warmed to an erotic temperature) and nothing says cheese like a whimsical review of beloved actors and actresses! That being said, and in the interest of science, let us begin with the one who inspired this very post.

1. Bruce Boxleitner

Don't you pretend not to know who Bruce Boxleitner is, and don't feign indifference toward his extensive body of television work, either. Gunsmoke, Baretta*, Hawaii Five-O, Tales from the Crypt, Babylon 5, Scarecrow and Mrs. King; and this is to say nothing of his illustrious film career, which includes such cultural landmarks as Tron, Tron Legacy, The Gambler (starring some guy famous for his failed chain of chicken restaurants) and, of course, Lego Atlantis.

What he's been doing lately:

2. Marc Singer

I could sing** of this man's virtues till the end of time, but you may have forgotten his significance to the history of our planet. Here's something to remind you:

Ring a bell?
Still not ringing bells or rocking balls?
If the above was of no use to you, Dear Readers, then you have me at a disadvantage, sirs and madams, as I lack the capacity to deal with those below a certain degree of sophistica...hey, hold up! Marc Singer guest starred on an episode of Murder She Wrote alongside Psychedelic Kimchi alumnus Angela Lansbury. (Whew! Crisis averted.)

Now that we're all on the same page, let's see what he's been doing with himself these past few years:

3. Jean Marsh

Funny how things work out, yeah? I mean, our friend Jean Marsh has guest-starred on both Hawaii Five-O and Murder She Wrote. Additionally, she's also made appearances on Tales from the Darkside, Love Boat, and Doctor Who. That's right, British television nerds (and nerds obsessed with British television), Jean Marsh played a role on your favorite television program and what's more, she was married to actor Jon Pertwee, best known for his portrayal of Doctor Who's third incarnation. That's right, commonwealth kids, for five years (1955-1960) Jean Marsh was married to, and presumably had sex with a fairly well-received version of your cherished icon. At this point, especially for those who love pretending to be British, there's a serious nerdgasm in the works but don't blow your load just yet, dorks, because Ms. Marsh also appeared as the villainess in both Willow and Return to Oz. Now that your mind has been blown, feel free to do whatever you like with that load.

What's been going on with Jean Marsh as of late?

She had a stroke in 2011, so what am I to say about her career without coming across as a total boor? Coupled with the fact that she and my mother look somewhat alike, I'd be nothing if not a horse's ass for constructing a few crude, disrespectful lines, and I'm that kind of person, fuck you very much.

4. Daphne Zuniga

Princess Vespa!

Princess who?

Shut up.

Zuniga also played Jo Reynolds on Melrose Place but whatever, she's best known as Princess Vespa or, barring that, as the love interest to Eric Stoltz in The Fly II. Sure, Zuniga's made a few mistakes over the years (such as the ironically titled A-List) but all an actress really needs is that one moment of pure greatness, and greatness, thy name is Vespa.

What's she doing now?

Let's see... Mercury poisoning in 2004 from consuming a mammoth quantity of sushi, appointed to the Board of Directors of the Los Angeles River Revitalization Corporation in 2009, a role on television's One Tree Hill... Wait, that's it? Better check her Twitter feed.

Hip issues? Damn, sorry I asked. Let's go back to picking on the guys checking up on our favorite male stars.

5. John Phillip Law

Let me clear: You may know John Phillip Law from somewhere else, and that's just fine and dandy, but here at Psychedelic Kimchi, JPL (precursor to contemporary wunderkind JGL) will forever be known as the titular hero from The Golden Voyage of Sinbad. Behold!***

Discounting for a moment that the film is one of the greatest in the galaxy, how many of us can honestly say we've gone toe-to-toe with an eight-armed, stop-motion-animation goddess of death, Caroline Munro's heaving bosom, and Tom fucking Baker? Seriously, how many?****

What's new in Law's life?

Nothing, actually, given that poor Mr. Law died in 2008. Don't get too bent out of shape, though, since he turned up in the 2012 film L'apocalisse delle scimmie, which just goes to show that you can't keep a good actor down (in the ground).

6. Helen Slater

This one's easy. Helen Slater is Helen Slater.

Helen Slater, circa 1984:

What about today's Slater?

Like I said, easy.

* Back when Robert Blake pretended to solve crimes as opposed to actually committing them.
** Get it? The thing is, I'm clever, see, clever like shitty music bloggers.
*** This blog is filmed in Dynarama, too. That, and not all the crack you've been smoking, is why your eyes feel as if a mermaid just took a dump on them.
**** Put your hand down, Eoin's sister. 

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