Monday, July 25, 2011

Analyze This (or That)*

Just for fun, I pulled up Google Analytics a few hours ago to gather information about this, the 43rd greatest blog in the multiverse, from the period of June 24, 2011 to July 24, 2011 and thought I'd share a bit with you, Dedicated Readers.

Visitors by Country

1. United States
2. Canada
3. United Kingdom
4. South Korea

Nothing terribly surprising here, though I am a tad disappointed in you, Canada. To think, I once delightfully referred to you as The Maple Menace and yet here you are, playing second fiddle to the U.S. For shame, Canada, for shame.

As for you, United Kingdom: This tears me in two entirely distinct directions, given that on the one hand, many of the coolest people I've met (to say nothing of the readers of our very blog) are from the U.K. and yet, at the very same time, some of the biggest, douche-baggiest fuckheads I've had the displeasure of coming across come from there as well. Regardless, you're still okay in my book, U.K. - but would you be offended if I renewed my License (Licence!) to Kill to help even things out?

5. France
6. Germany
7. Australia

Nice work, France and Germany. Welcome to the party!

..... But seriously, Australia, you're gonna let them talk shit about you like that? Oy!

8. India
9. Poland
10. Philippines

Somewhat unexpected, but hey, nice to see you guys. There's a keg on tap in the back. Enjoy.

And then...

19. Japan

Dude. You're slipping, man. Don't get me wrong, you're amazing -you made video games great again, amongst so much else- but nineteenth? Don't leave me hanging, Japan! Look, I even prepared some Asahi and strawberry-flavored Cheetos for you. Stay awhile.

30. United Arab Emirates

Yeah... I guess you can hang out here, though you'll have to bring your own tasteless non-alcoholic beer 'cause that's not how we roll and just so you know, no one gives a shit how much money (alongside a lack of genuine class) you bring to the table.

56. Iceland

Yes...Yes! I won't lie, Iceland. You're pretty sexy in so many ways. Let me show you to my bedroom...

69. Qatar

PK will lead to a democratic Qatar! (Insert Sixty-nine joke here, too.)


First things first, the big guns:

Jane March - I don't know why so many people are obsessed with the actress but the fact is, so many people are (and they come to PK because of one unassuming picture Forbes once used as a header).

Chloe Sevigny sucks dick/ Chloe Sevigny swallow/ Chloe Sevigny Brown Bunny/ Sevigny cum in mouth/ (any possible variation of the topic) - Good lord! Once upon a time, Sparkles aka Harrison Forbes aka Whatever made a post about actress Chloe Sevigny's decision to perform fellatio upon co-star Vincent Gallo in The Brown Bunny and as one may guess, that post gets daily hits up the wazoo. Decades (cough, cough) from now, long after each and every contributor to this blog is dead and buried, Chloe Sevigny sucks dick and swallows will continue to be the keyword of choice for sexually frustrated males around the globe.

Cassie Steele - See Jane March above. Same story, different lady. Oddly enough, the Cassie Steele picture was posted by yours truly. So... Keep up the good searches, twentysomething males!

Nancy Lang - Notice a trend developing here? This time, Forbes interviewed Korean artist and "celebrity" Nancy Lang who is, well, doing something with her life now, though I can't be bothered to do a Google search of my own.

And now for some of the lesser searches:

Chicken Wire, the Harbinger of Heavenly Annotation/ Sling Khidorah - Wow. I have stalkers! Or fans. Or creepers. Whatever the case may be, keep up the good work, though I'm tempted to point out that you could bookmark this blog on your respective web browser or, dare I say it, become a follower; and you can still search for me if that's what you're into. (I love you, by the way.)

Richard Dreyfuss jerk - In answer to your query: yes, he is

Jack London racist - In answer to your query: yes, he probably was

are potatoes safe to eat raw - In answer to your query: maybe

are double happiness cigarettes good - In answer to your query: fuck no

athlete's foot in the mouth - You're probably looking for this post. It's a good song, even if it pains me to say so.

Castlevania Order of Essaca - Did you mean Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia? I can only hope you did.

mack 10 westside slaughterhouse sampled interpolated - I haven't the slightest clue what this search was about or how it led someone to Psychedelic Kimchi, but I'm enamored with the absurdity of it all!

spunk tales - I know exactly how this relates to Psychedelic Kimchi and yes, I'll get around to doing another post sometime soon.

Kurt Russell personality - Let me be frank: anything to do with Kurt Russell is inherently awesome (except for Captain Ron, perhaps) and we'll take what we can get.

Okay, my eyes are beginning to bleed. Keep searching, searchers!

* What a bunch of shit those movies were, yeah? I'm just saying.


Anonymous said...

I see I fall under lesser searches. Wish I would have thought of a couple of the bigger searches. Funny post (not in the humorous sense, but I think you know that). BTW . . . never mind.

Sling Khidorah said...

You're more than welcome to bump Chicken Wire, HHA up to one of the big guns for searches (and it'll always be a big one in this heart of mine) yet even if you don't, your dedication is impressive.