Friday, April 09, 2010

The PK 27 -- Game No. 26

Baseball Simulator 1.000
Culture Brain
(Yes, you read that correctly. Nothing says premier developer like the name Culture Brain, and just in case you were prone to forget, the appellation was plastered all over the place within the game itself.)
Nintendo Entertainment System
Reasons for Making the List

1) For a game that touts itself as a simulator, you'd think there would have been a preponderance of settings, endless statistics, beat-you-over-the-head realism, and meticulously designed artificial intelligence, but you'd be completely wrong! The game's Ultra League option allows pitchers to throw 'ninja balls', batters to go for a 'missile hit', and outfielders to 'super jump' (to say little else of the players' opportunities to engage in superhuman feats of strength, speed, and stamina). The game itself is fun, sure, but the fact that it's labeled a simulator is the money shot.

2) License? We don't need no stinkin' MLB license! Give me the Seattle Mushrooms vs. the St. Louis Cockatoos over genuine teams any day of the week.

3) It takes a real man to endure Baseball Simulator 1.000's horrendous background music for a full nine innings, let alone nine minutes and twenty-six seconds of this fucking widow-maker,* and by Loki, we're men of mythological proportions.*** Sparkles himself holds the PK record with an astounding sixteen hours on tape, filmed during the honeymoon of his first marriage (the only marginally-positive result from that sad, grueling affair, I might add).****

4) I've never owned this game, which is to say that I'd borrowed it for extended periods of time, yet not once paid for the pleasure of slamming my missile ball into another man's glove, ramming him to the wall in full force.*****

    Once upon a time, a friend named Andy brought Baseball Simulator 1.000  (in addition to a copy of Mega Man 3) over to my house so that we could enjoy a lighthearted match between friends. Afterward, he left my house to go swimming at the Y.M.C.A. much to my chagrin, seeing as I was stoked to keep playing the aforementioned baseball 'funulator' till the sun went down. Kismet, for all her cruelty, occasionally graces her wards with a smile, and on that day, she beamed upon the two of us. Unbeknownst to me, young Mr. Schumacher had, in his hurry to do some laps, neglected to pack BS1.000 into his bag. Needless to say I was one happy boy, and though you may be tempted to accuse me of taking pleasure from a friend's mistake, there's more to the story. What ended up happening was that someone broke into Andy's locker at the local Y as he swam the good swim, pilfering his bag for any valuables, Mega Man 3 included. A crushing blow to be dealt a lad, certainly, but a panicky phone call to my residence later that evening assuaged some of his angst; he had not been eternally deprived of Baseball Simulator 1.000, after all! I had it, and as we all know, I'm preferable to your run-of-the-mill thief.

As to what that silly vignette has to do with, well, anything pertaining to the game, the answer is simplicity itself: absolutely nothing! Welcome to the PK 27.

* Ladies are more accustomed to putting up with and/or sitting through stupid shit, so no accolades for you!**
** That's an accolade in and of itself, so don't you fret.
 *** Except when we're not men heroes.
**** That he brought a Nintendo Entertainment System along for the ride is merely common sense, for it's guaranteed to put out.
***** Psychedelically innnnapppropriate description!

No comments: