Monday, April 12, 2010

A Load of Stalloney


The votes from the most recent poll have been counted, re-counted, double-checked, cross-referenced, digested, regurgitated, fried, lathered with Vaseline, put on display in the local red-light district, and declared sacrosanct by the LDS Church. Long story short, the results are in and it's official: Stallone + Sausages = Stalloney. Sylvester or Frank? you may be wondering, and to that query I have nothing to offer. Either way, we're all winners here, and though I voted for Frank Stallone's music career, I can definitely -nay, graciously- accept defeat to the few individuals who rigged the contest by voting from several different computers for one contender.

I am humbled, sirs or madams!*

Jejune disbelief notwithstanding, it's been a fine week here in the dong that Sparkles built and, if I may be so bold, I daresay that everything's been coming up sausages!

A short while back I mentioned a meteor hurtling toward Earth, one that carried with it the twenty-sixth Constant Retard (CoRe 26 for you MTV Generation readers), and wouldn't you know it, the sexy bastard came crashing down on Stallone's watch. (Watch out, Bundang!) Without further ado, the final Retard of the Godzilla franchise: Christopher K. as Monster X as Christopher K., monster with the mostest. He's not what he seems, this one, though you should be equally concerned with what he appears to be, which, all told, is hard-core video game mastery encased within a tight, mildly intimidating, proudly unshaven shell, replete with gravity beams of death!

Chris K: just don't ask him to shave!

This evening marks the end of an era, so to speak, but I will not shed a single tear, for the setting sun merely heralds another chunk of Stalloney, and hope pees eternal.** Just when I thought my favorite peninsula was doomed, a new breed of hero arose; a man amongst men, the paradigm of three-minute rage, a shiny suit amidst a sea of shiny suits. Blah, blah, blah! This Retard needs no gratuitous introduction! It's Eamonn Ashe as Ultraman as Eamonn Ashe, svelte defender of Earth! As the picture below (taken during a routine encounter with a predictably incompetent E-Mart employee) aptly demonstrates, Mr. Ashe is a man of both flash and substance, as well as having impeccable taste in futuristic (circa 1970) attire. Evildoers (esp. Apple users) beware!

"15,000 won for a box of oatmeal, you say?"

Some of our more zealous readership may be concerned with the shift toward an even shittier Japanese television series, but fear not, dear freaks friends. Ultraman has officially been dubbed Outraman, on account of his being the only worthwhile aspect of that horrendous example of all that's wrong with kaiju today. You won't see any of his rubber brethren in the near future. Inhale. Exhale. Relax...

...As you prepare yourself for the titanic terror that is Zombie Zady as (Zombie) Gamera as Zombie Zady; and you have to ask yourself just what it is that this particular lady can't do, because that's much less important than what she does regularly, which happens to be dabbling in titillating photography. Her fascination with all things zombified may not be your cup of tea, but then again, if you're reading this blog it probably will be. If you can't handle plasma fireballs, you'd best be wary of her prowess yet be in awe of her acumen nevertheless, lest you be consumed (literally).

Zombie Z: devouring humanity since 2010

Did I mention that everything's been coming up sausages? I'm pretty sure I did, but I'd like to cement this fact by reiterating Sparkles' proclamation that Iron Man 2 will hit Korean theaters a solid week before its release in North America. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself.

*
Sparkles: Looks like someone needs a ticket for the Bitter Bus. Allllll aborrred!
Chicken Wire HHA: Fuck the ticket. I'm driving that piece of shit.

** Holy mixed/broken/idiotic metaphors, Batman! What can I say? I'm not the brightest knife in the drawer.

3 comments:

Melissa said...

"I'm not the brightest knife in the drawer."

Wow. Just ... wow. First you steal my "Stalloney" and now you take my mixed metaphor! I should charge a fee for that shit.

<3

Chicken Wire, the Harbinger of Heavenly Annotation said...

I didn't steal your metaphor: I liberated it.

Sparkles*_* said...

Like a thief in the knife.