Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Orga x Megaguirus x The Millennian: Junk Food S.O.S.

(image from Pink Tentacle)

Prior to the Corey Haim poll, we here at Psychedelic Kimchi initiated a Junk Food Battle Royale of sorts, and what a melee that turned out to be. Heavy favorites -Cheetos being the most obvious example- fell by the wayside, victim to disreputable tactics employed by the morality-impaired amongst the competition (I'm looking in your general direction, Steven Seagal), while others capitalized on their global appeal (I love you, Salt & Vinegar...but...I hate you!). Fortunately, some of the little bastards got exactly what they deserved (I officially defenestrate you, Salty Black Licorice Fish) but, as is nature of polls, ties are bound to occur, and indeed they did. For those who missed the final tally, it was a three-way stalemate -Mexican Standoff, if I may- between Cool Ranch Doritos, Salt & Vinegar, and Steven Seagal. Somewhat predictable, perhaps, insomuch that Seagal has a way of dicking his way into the limelight, and deserving of a rematch.

After the initial poll came the Psychedelic Showdown between the three. With the other options negated, the competition because more a case of sidewalk justice. A clear-cut winner was crowned king (queen?), and that champion was Cool Ranch Doritos. Let there be no mistake; I'm a huge fan of Salt & Vinegar chips/crisps but there's little use in denying Cool Ranch's sheer domination of the second poll. All in all, I salute you, Cool Ranch Doritos. Truly, you are the King of Kings. (Better late than never, I suppose.)

(For its next feat, Cool Ranch shall walk on water, followed by the reinstatement of communism in Mother Russia.)

What else has transpired between my encounter with the (swine) flu and Corey Haim's unforeseen demise? Ah, yes. New Retards have entered into the battle for planet Earth, and god willing, they're as big of fans of junk food (aka lifeblood) as Sparkles, Jikko, and I are.*

From (a)eons long forgotten emerges Kelli as The Millennian as Kelli, eager to absorb all the knowledge  humanity has to offer. Extraterrestrial origins and  deceptively calm demeanor notwithstanding, you should be aware that this one's a firecracker ready to explode on a moment's notice. She's been known to topple governments from time to time, too, so beware the power from beyond the stars!

Kelli: even more diabolical in CGI! 

If that were all, the world would stand a chance, but alas, there's also the matter of Brady Mior as Megaguirus as Brady Mior, killer insectoid gone oh-so right! Word on the street is that he has yet to arrive on the peninsula, but rest assured, once he's gone beyond the final stage of incubation, Korea shall tremble before the might of his sonic waves and poisonous stinger. 

B. Mior: just gettin' warmed up

Last but not least, Jarrad Italia as Orga as Jarrad Italia, a terror as inscrutable as his profile implies. His intentions need not be discerned, just as his form need not be questioned. He's a force of nature, and you know what they say about leaving slumbering beasts lie, right? (Hint: don't mess with his steady diet of radioactive lizards.)

Italia: the party's rockin' now that he's come a knockin'

That about does it for the recent additions to our Constant Retard family, though I'd like to take a moment to note that I'm just about out of kaiju from the Godzilla franchise, which is to say that only one (worthy) monster remains.** What comes next is hard to say, but what I do know is that there is a meteor heading toward Earth, specifically toward a sleepy metropolis on the Korean peninsula. More on that as the twenty-sixth Retard draws near. 

Happy indulgences, junk food afficionados. See you on the trans-fatty side.

* If there's a single, unifying theme to Psychedelic Kimchi, Dodecahedral Reader, it's an undying devotion to all things related to heart disease. That, and a Shih Tzu. 

** King Kong (from King Kong vs. Godzilla) doesn't really count, you know. 

P.S. When I looked up 'Cool Ranch Doritos' on Yahoo, the following image appeared on the first page of results. Any information provided as to its relevance would be much appreciated.

1 comment:

Jarrad Italia said...

I appreciate the warm welcome to the Retard family.