Wednesday, February 03, 2010

To Serve Man

I'm transitioning into a new job*, so lately I've had more free time than usual. As such, I've been

(drinking a lot)

entertaining myself


culturally, trying to get around to catching up on some of the things I missed last year, and at the same time working hard to provide your Psychedelic Kimchi fix, Constantine Retard. I have a review of Werner Herzog's Bad Lieutenant, Port of Call: New Orleans percolating (one-word review: crazy), as well as what I believe will be the most comprehensive English-language overview of the superlative Korean sitcom High Kick through the Roof. (Fear not, Retards, for even if you hold an intense dislike for/aversion to Korean television, I promise to give it that unique PK spin you've come to know and love, just as I've done with my addictingly readable sports- and video-game-related posts. Ahem.)

I've also been eating a lot of junk food.

Just this past Sunday, the illustrious and praiseworthy Legs bestowed upon me a bag of Kettle Brand Potato Chips, and it couldn't have come at a better time, what with Korea's new national Pringles nightmare. Simply put, those chips are better than Chloe Sevigny sucking dick while Cassie Steel watches Jack London be a racist (damn Kmart** for getting me involved in PK's Google Analytics; also, Hello, Finland!).

Weird thing is, the bag they came in was censored. Yes, censored.

Look up yonder at that picture, which I didn't take***. The bag's flavor is clearly labeled as "lightly salted," and its slogan reads, "great taste...naturally."

My bag, however, has two opaque labels masking "lightly" and "...naturally." And I'm perplexed as to why. The logician I am, I've developed several theories based upon whether it was Korean food censors or their American counterparts. Then I realized there's no such thing as food censors and went batshit insane -- to sexy results.

Kettle Brand's possible reasoning for censoring their delightful snack:

1) Thems can't speak English in that there Korea, so it's best to cover up unnecessary words, lest we confuse 'em with a barrage of incomprehensible adverbs and an ellipsis. Call 3M and place a large order for adhesive masking tape. Two colors: brown and silver.

2) Our market research has shown that Koreans have trouble with Rs and Ls, so we want to eliminate those words from the packaging. Furthermore, I'm a dumbass.




Korean distributor's possible reasoning for censoring Kettle Brand's delightful snack:

1) Lightly salted? Are they trying to say these chips are shiny?

2) Naturally? Are they subversively taking a potshot at our nation's high level of cosmetic surgery?

3) Our market research has shown that, just like Japanese porn and knives on TV, snacks are more tantalizing if you censor them. Forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest.

Which is to say that I'm still baffled. Also, I feel cheated a little. I love salt like I love my forty-seven-inch television, so for me "salted" verses "lightly salted" is a big deal.

I'll be sure to write Kettle Brand a vitriolic e-mail. After I finish writing my formal complaint to the Proctor & Gamble embassy in Malaysia, that is.

In the meantime, chips!

* a real one. I can't believe it, either.

** or whatever he's calling himself these days. Today it's Chickenwire; tomorrow it might be The Purple Poodle.

*** I mean, I stole it, but I didn't snap it.

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