Word to Dan Ugrath (She Tried to Shake Her Butt, I Rolled My Window Up)

(I had to cut short last night's post because I felt like it. Here's the rest of the adventures of Dan Ugrath and Billy Hogarty. With guitars.)

4:50 -- Apparently I black out in the BK bathroom. When I get back to the lounge, Kmart is tongue kissing a 15-year-old girl. I have to say, they are his kryptonite. Mine? Chicks with snaggleteeth. Word to Jewel Kilcher and Reon Kadena.

5:11 -- Our hangovers staved off by variant Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease (me) and Avian influenza (K-Hot), we stumble back to Chez Sparkles, but not before we stop in at the GS25 for some tall boys. The 15-year-old (I swear) cashierclerkwhateverthefuckyoucallsomeonewhoworksataconveniencestore winks at Kmart and gives him two vodka coolers, one lemon, the other blueberry.

5:30 -- Apparently we're both fairies, because we drink the vodka coolers and leave the beers hanging.

5:35 -- Time for some music. Given the evening's theme, I'm tempted to throw on Slick Rick's "Teenage Love," but instead I opt for The Best of Masta Ace.

5:41 -- My tank is on empty. I need sleep like [OUT-OF-NOWHERE POLITICAL RANT WARNING!] people need to realize the situation in Darfur. Seriously, if that tragedy were happening in, say, Genosha, the American media would get off its fucking ass and make people aware. Also, my hopes and prayers to the families in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. I once banged a chick from Cedar Rapids. I hope she's okay. She had some nice cans.

11:43 a.m. -- Why isn't my mouth dry, my head pounding (my scrotum itchy)? Where's my hangover? This is like a Twilight Zone episode. Then again, for me, what isn't?

11:52 -- Kmart and his bitch (my dog) wake up. K-Heezy's okay, too! WHAT'S THE CATCH? TELL ME, STRANGE GODS!

12:36 -- After some afternoon delight, if you catch my drift, we head out for eats. Subway = tuna sandwich heaven. Kmartian, however, still needs to feed the beast, so we stroll over to Mister Donut, or, as I like to call it, Mr. Dontnut. I'm so witty.

1:13 -- Jesus, how long does it take to order a fucking donut? There are three clerkscashierswhateverwordtomorrisseythatjokeisntfunnyanymore and the place is basically empty, but still it takes forever to get 2 FUCKING DONUTS*. Mister Donut can lick the balls. If you're scoring at home, that's two The Great Adventures of Slick Rick references so far, and I'm in the mood for a third.

1:39 -- Back at my place, and it's time for a DS showdown! We start things off with Mario Party.

2:22 -- Okay, I get my ass handed to me, but it was my fist time. The only times I've ever done spectacularly well at anything my first go-round were when I a) lost my virginity, b) played fantasy basketball, and c) had a child. (Marriage...eh, not so successful.) Toad is such a shit pebble.

3:10 (to Yuma) -- Mario Kart. This probably deserves its own post, so let's just say that my comeback is up there with Mavs-Heat Game 3, Celtics-Lakers Game 4, and Mordor vs. Middle-earth. My opponent might claim otherwise, but I won that shit fair and square. And tie goes to the runner.

4:00 -- Just to prove that it wasn't a fluke, I goad Kmart into a rematch. And despite my animosity toward Toad, he's the meaning in my life, he's the inspiration. Except when he isn't. I make a comeback of sorts, but I can't topple Kmart and his fucked-up dinosaur. Still, Donkey Kong catches a bad one. So at least I have that going for me. Which is an overused film quote.

5:01 -- Kmart calls it a day. I call it a draw. We will, in the future, settle the score once and for all. There. Can. Be. Only. One.

And when that day arrives, I'm gonna treat him like a prostitute**.

5:46 -- Finally! Time for some hentai!


* Just so there's no misunderstanding, the donuts weren't copulating. At least I don't think they were.

** The trifecta!