Women

On the first day of the second grade, our teacher, Mrs. Bates, sat us bewildered kids on the floor in front of her and asked us what we thought were good school rules to follow. Were I then the man I am today, I probably would have suggested not shooting our classmates, but at the time I just sat there, waiting for the others to respond. In all my childhood memories of grade school, I'm a ghost.

After a few predictable answers (raiseyourhandtoaskaquestiondon'tbelatetellthesecretaryifyou'resick) a new kid, Sanjay, an Indian immigrant with a light complexion and hair like my living room carpet, raised his hand.

Mrs. Bates called on him.

"If your father's looking, don't smoke," he said.

Needless to say, we were dumbfounded. Mostly because he said it with so much conviction, as though he practiced his quirky maxim like a holy commandment. Thou shalt not smoke when thy father is looking. He wasn't being naughty, but neither did he make a whole lot of sense. The shared embarrassment* was palpable. Mrs. Bates, possessing the tactful wisdom we lacked, quickly diverted our attention away from Sanjay's puzzling answer.

That was the last I saw of Sanjay. The next day I was moved into another class. Because I'm good at pretending I'm smart, probably.

Twenty-two years later, I haven't forgotten what he said. (Which is a small victory for the Canadian education system, I suppose.) But its meaning eludes me. If your father's looking, don't smoke. He couldn't have meant that he smoked cigarettes; so what did he mean, exactly? Is it an Indian idiom? A Zen koan? I have a million guesses, no answers.

I'll never know. Maybe it's better that way.

Still, I'm dying to find out.


* I'm making up a new word, and you're going to use it: crincocity