Miss Dress-Up

The 2nd coming of Shirley Temple (who, I discovered last week, is not, in fact, dead):

Suge Knight Shot By Gay Man

File this under "next time aim a little higher":

MIAMI BEACH, Florida (AP) -- A gunman remained at large Sunday after wounding rap mogul Marion "Suge" Knight at a party coinciding with the MTV Video Music Awards, police said.
Knight, 40, was shot once in the upper right leg early Sunday at a star-studded party in Miami Beach that was hosted by Grammy-wining hip hop artist Kanye West.
A police report described the shooter only as a black male wearing a pink shirt.

Chloe Sevigny sucks dick, literally.

(For those not in-the-know, a visit here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Brown_Bunny is advised before reading the following.)

I like movies. I also like porn. And I wonder which category The Brown Bunny falls under. Certainly (though I have to admit I haven't seen the full film), it can't be called erotic. But neither in my opinion is watching someone devour shit out of another person's ass, and there are lots of dudes who get off on that type of shit (no pun intended), so I hear. But Chloe Sevigny sucking dick in a feature film...I just don't know. I'm torn. Part of me says "Chloe, you're such a whore," and another part of me says "so what, it's nothing you haven't done (albeit off-camera) a few times before, so what the fuck?"

Some might say the whole purpose of film (or any artform, for that matter) is to project truth -- and certainly a lot of fellatio goes on in this wonderful world of ours -- and I can't exactly disagree; but I wonder whether some people, namely in this case Vincent Gallo, take it upon themselves to venture a little too far strictly for their own gratification (again no pun intended; I mean on an aesthetic level).

But, again, I haven't seen the film for myself. And I most likely never will, partly because the film is and won't be (I imagine) available in Korea, and partly because I've heard and read so many negative things about it that I have no desire to.

Still, I have so many questions. What is Gallo's reasoning for including an oral sex scene in his movie? What's the difference between Miss Sevigny and, say, Jenteal? And did she swallow?

Perhaps I'll never know. For now, I have this:

Go to google
type in Chloe Sevigny
click on "images" at the top
ensure moderate safe search is OFF
scroll to the bottom and click on "page 4" of the results
scroll to the bottom of that page
look for the collage of her performing oral with the title:
7-vincent-gallo_chloe-sev...
click on the picture and scroll to the bottom of the page that opens

You can download the video clip from there... you'll want non-censurata, it's 9.5MB.

If that doesn't work, you can see the scene here, though all the "naughty bits" are blurred:

http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2659358

The More You Know

Photo-generic

With no introduction needed, some pics of the Little Darling(s):















(I can't stand that hairstyle, by the way.)

A little less like hell.

Has it been a year already? Today I had to visit the immigration office in Seoul, something that I absolutely hate doing, which is compounded by the fact that it's such a long way to get there from Bundang. I'm a punctual guy and prefer to show up early rather than late, but since it takes me 2 1/2 hours to get there (god, I need a fucking car) there was no way in hell I was going to get up at 6am so as to get there before the Friday rush.

I knew I was going to get there shortly before noon; knew that I'd have to wait in that hot room, looking at all those desolate -- applicants and officials alike -- faces; knew that the workers would take their lunch break at 12, leaving everybody waiting around for an hour with nothing to do. And I knew that I'd have to go back there in two weeks' time to pick up my Alien Registration Card and passport.

Color me surprised.

I arrived at around half-past eleven, took a number, bought the stamps necessary to renew my E7 visa, and grabbed a seat. And, to my utter astonishment, I noticed that Octopussy was showing on the TV (did they always have a TV there?). OK, that made my day a little more bearable. Roger fuckin' Moore. Aces.

I then noticed that quite a few attractive young girls are working there now. Yet another added bonus.

I waited only 20 minutes until my number came up. I was 120, and at roughly 11:45 they were "serving" no. 111, but an amazing thing happened. 112 was called (*bing-bong*), then 113 (*bing-bong*). Nobody was approaching the desks. Do people just take numbers and then leave? Or are some people too moronic to know the correct button to push on the ticket machine, and hence take numbers by mistake? Beats me. The same thing happened -- *bing-bong, bing-bong, bing-bong, bing-bong, bing-bong* -- until we arrived at no. 119 (is a joke*). Then it was no. 120's time to shine, baby.

I submitted all of my documents and sat there like a dildo while the official examined everything. After a minute or two she said "this will take about 20 minutes. Please wait over there."

Guh? You mean I can get my shit (though that wasn't the particular nomenclature I used, I don't think) back today instead of in two weeks, I asked incredulously. She responded by nodding her head.

And fuck 20 minutes, I had my ARC and passport in my hand in less than 10.

The time? 11:59.

All in all it was the easiest, most pleasant trip to the Seoul Immigration Office that I've ever experienced. Now all they need to do is stock their meagre magazine rack with some copies of SPARK.

* a prize of one of those green potato chips you sometimes find at the bottom of the bag to the first person who gets the reference.

I Used To Love H.E.R.

My favorite sport is basketball. Right now, it's about the only sport I like, or can follow. Hockey is OK, but they've just gotten over a lockout that lasted a full season, so my interest in the sport has waned considerably; and they never show any hockey games in Korea. Baseball is great come October, but I've never been able, since childhood, to get into it during the summer. Plus this season has been marred by the big steroid scandal, and these days has more in common with The Jerry Springer Show than what was once -- and hasn't been for a long, long time -- America's pastime.

That leads us to North America's remaining professional sport (though some would argue that hockey doesn't count anymore): football.

I used to love football with the same passion that I love basketball. Alas, no more. I've been away from home too long. AFN shows the games, but they're on early Monday mornings, before the sun has risen. I like football, but I like having a well-paying job more. No way could I stay up all night watching football and then go to work the next day. Kim Jong-Il has a better chance of making 11 holes-in-one in a round of golf.

To make matters worse, Monday Night Football, which I could sometimes watch, isn't shown live on the American Forces Network. They air it on Tuesday evening. When I'm working. There have been a couple of times that I've finished early and have been at home to watch it, but I never have the interest; who wants to watch a taped game? I usually, unintentionally, find out the final score while surfing the Internet at work, anyway.

I miss football, I really do. But I just don't think we were meant to be together. Sunday -- the entire day, from 10am to 12am, from early-September to late-January -- is an event, a ritual. Beer. Nachos. Chicken wings. Gambling. Beer. Pizza. Beer. Somehow, watching one crummy game, minus all the pre-game and post-game shows, and especially minus the beer, gambling and food, just doesn't cut it. I miss the whole experience. Watching football here is like getting to see only the opening scene of The Godfather, while back home it's like getting the entire trilogy (the pre/post-game shows and commercial breaks representing Part 3, any time Deion Sanders speaks representing Sofia Coppola's role).

It hurts even more this year because the Buffalo Bills, my favorite team since I was a kid, may actually have something going this year, with Willis Mcgahee at running back and JP Losman -- who is incidently not a tax attorney -- at QB. Of course, the Bills have been the league's proverbial whipping boy (is there a proverb about a whipping boy? I don't think so; I just wrote it to sound like a football announcer) since, well, forever; but that fits perfectly considering I'm the Job of sports fandom: I cheer for the Leafs in hockey, the Red Sox in baseball (though no longer applicable), used to cheer for the Knicks in basketball -- I stopped supporting them for a variety of reasons, all of which are best saved to expound upon at a later date -- and the Bills in football. Oh, and I'm patiently waiting for Martin Scorsese to win the Best Director Oscar. I'm a fucking masochist.

As soon as the football season begins, I'll probably find myself checking out scores, and maybe the occassional taped MNF game. But come November, my heart lies with basketball. They show b-ball games here, see.

Long distance relationships never work.

The Mountain of Meat

All good things must come to an end. I think Jesus said that. Today my moms (*_*) departed for home. The little girl is heartbroken. She knows her days of being spoiled have wound to an end.

Now it is again the Treacherous 3: Big Daddy (*_*), Mommie Dearest (*_*), and little Rapzilla (*_*).

Last night we dined at Carne Station, know colloquially as the 'Mountain of Meat' by teachers I used to work alongside with.

And, boy, was it ever meat-tastic!

Spare-ribs:


I doubt that Shirley Temple's estate (she's dead, right?) would allow her name on children's handbags, but I'm probably wrong. After all, Omar Shariff hawks everything from umbrellas to cigarettes; and even Drew Barrymore is pimping Baskin Robbins ice cream. Anything is possible. Welcome to the 21st century.


Yours truly. PlEase note that my face is red nOt because I'm DruNk, but because I played basketball for 3 hours yesterday afternoon. And because I'm half-drunk. The infamous gochu face returns!


My wife and mother took the little one to Burger King shortly before meeting my by the Tancheon river. I have no idea where the headband came from.

Tomorrow: my list of the top 10 TV sitcom sidekicks (preview: Cockroach from The Cosby Show narrowly defeats Mike Seaver's friend Boner from Growing Pains at no. 1)

These are a few of my favorite thangs.

Some premature ejaculations:

1) Billy Corgan's new CD deserves some love. It's no Pumpkins or Zwan, but it does the trick. The Bee Gees cover of To Love Somebody, in fact, is better than the original.

[dodges lightning bolt]

2) Everybody loves Curtis Mayfield, and a big hex on anyone who doesn't. But his earlier recordings with The Impressions tend to get ignored. People Get Ready is one of the most soulful songs ever made; and if you don't attend church, at least listen to that song on a Sunday morning for some spiritual cleansing.

But the best Impressions song in my opinion is the sublime 'Man oh Man (I Wanna Go Back),' a song which I can't even find to illegally download. That there is what's wrong with this world.

3) A Clockwork Orange is finally available for purchase in Korea. I personally feel that the time is ripe to subject the penninsula to dildo maimings.

4) 'The Last Waltz (Mido's Theme)' from the 'Oldboy' soundtrack is the most beautiful piece of music ever written. There, I've said it.

5) I sincerely hope that "peanut butter and chocolate" catches on in Korea before this whole reunification junk.

6) 'Mr. Sun' by Raffi is the best children's song ever written. There, I've said it.

7) www.bugs.co.kr is OK, but until they have Sadat X's 'Wild Cowboys,' or Main Source's 'Breaking Atoms,' they're strictly bush league.

8) As a noted and acclaimed pillow afficianado, I fully endorse the big puffy pillows on sale at E-Mart. Do yourself a favor and pick up a dozen or so. It's like sleeping on a cloud, only with considerably less moisture.

[Warning: they're hard to spot, as they're sold vacuum-sealed and look like door mats]

And on that note, I'm off to bed.

Everybody likes a list.

Premiere magazine, because their writers and editors are apparently devoid of creativity, recently published a list of the 20 most overrated movies of all time.

And I, because I'm bored at work on a rainy Friday morning, am going to comment on it. Then I'm going to watch some hentai.

Without further ado, here is the list, with added commentary by yours truly:

2001: A Space Odyssey

I say thee nay! Nay! Thou dost not speak of Kubrick so! It is heresy! Blasphemy! No, it's not the best movie to throw on when you have the guys over for beers (that honor goes to Happy Gilmore), but it is stunningly beautiful, with a unique story structure. Plus, it's got the fucking HAL9000. Don't front on HAL, Premiere.

A Beautiful Mind

I'm in total agreement here. What a terrible movie. Am I the only one who thinks that Russell Crowe isn't any great shakes as an actor? He was decent in The Insider, but other than that, he hasn't done anything for me. Why's everybody so big on him is what I wanna know.

American Beauty


Some people might call this film pretentious, but I'm not one of them. I think it is one of the best movies released in the past 10 years. Superb acting on all counts, and an involving, unique story. Definitely not overrated. Criminally underrated, in fact.

An American in Paris

Never seen it.

Chariots of Fire

Ditto. However, I doubt it's as good a sports movie as Rudy. Nice theme music, though.

Chicago

I saw this in the theater with my wife. It was surprisingly good...for a musical. Did it deserve the Best Picture Oscar? Of course not. Overrated.

Clerks

Because Kevin Smith has never topped it, and because he's churning out absolute shite these days -- proving that he really was a one-trick pony -- the image of this film has been tarnished of late. But that's bullshit. Clerks is a riot. 'Nuff said.

Easy Rider

The only time I saw this, I was drunk at a friend's house, and we talked throughout the movie. Still, it has Peter Fonda and a young Jack Nicholson in it, so it can't be that bad.

As a side note: whatever happened to all the great actors of that generation? Al Pachino, Robert DeNiro, Harrison Ford, and, to a certain extent, Jack Nicholson and Dustin Hoffman, have all been castrated. Look at the complete shit they're acting in. What happened? And where is the new generation of talented actors? Right at this moment, I can't for the life of me think of any particular actor who wows me, who one day might be considered great. Maybe Christian Bale, but he's not what I'd consider versatile. He's too brooding. Ed Norton was for a time poised to enter the pantheon, but what the fuck has he done lately? Does he have a hardcore drug habit I don't know about? Ed, where are you?

OK, I'm meandering. Back to the list.

Fantasia

I hate to admit it, because I'm a big fan of the Disney classics, but I've always found Fantasia to be boring. Maybe that's because I saw it as a sugar-addicted kid, and since there's very little dialogue, it couldn't hold my attention. We bought the DVD for our daughter, so I'll revisit it sometime soon. However, apart from hippos in tutus and Mickey the Magician's apprentice, there's very little I can recall. So that probably makes it overrated.

Field of Dreams

This movie gave me one of my favorite dirty jokes ("if you play with it, it will come"). It's sentimental to the Nth degree. And the "baseball" players all throw like girls. AND, it stars Kevin Costner. Verdict: overrated.

Forrest Gump

Hell no. No way. This is one of my favorite films, and one of the best ever performances by an actor. One of those movies I can watch again and again. My only problem with the film being that, if Jenny dies of an AIDS-related illness, wouldn't Forrest or Little Forrest have contracted HIV? Why doesn't the movie address this?

Gone With the Wind

I've never seen it. Never had the desire to.

Good Will Hunting

I've seen this only once, when it was first released on video. I liked it, but have never had the desire to add it to my DVD collection. Is it universally hailed as a classic? It's not even on the Internet Movie Database's list of the Top 250 films, a list that is voted on by the site's users. It's good, though very trying for those who hate sentimental stuff, which this movie has in spades. Maybe a tad overrated.

Jules and Jim

Another movie I haven't seen. Discounting the Emanuelle series, I generally don't go for French cinema.

Monster's Ball

I haven't seen this, either, but if they're referring to Halle Berry's performance as being overrated, they're probably right.

Moonstruck

Haven't seen it.

Mystic River

I loved this movie. I also loved last year's Million Dollar Baby, although both films are flawed in some ways. Still, they're both classics in my opinion.

The thing I don't get about Clint Eastwood as a director is how he can craft such beautifully moving films, and then direct utter crap like the dreadful Space Cowboys. The man is an enigma.

Nashville

I would be lying if I said I've seen this movie. Is Kris Kristofferson in it?

The Wizard of Oz

Now the people at Premiere are just being plain old silly. How can you call such a memorable film overrated? I haven't seen it in what must be over 15 years, but I still remember it perfectly. Definitely not overrated.

The Red Shoes

I only today heard about this movie. I'm such a troglodyte.

That's the list. I know you're probably thinking right now the same thing I'm thinking: where the fuck was Titanic? The most overrated movie of all time, and it's not on this list. Proves the jerks over at Premiere don't know Pat Sajak.

The Most Eagerly Anticipated Film of All Time!

Hell hath no fury like a fanboy scorned. Apparently, the sublimely titled Snakes On A Plane has gotten its name back, thanks in large part to star Samuel L. Jackson and dozens -- perhaps hundreds, even -- of geeks the Internet over.

I'm totally serious.

What was at first titled Snakes On A Plane, and was then changed to the considerably less BAMF sounding Pacific Air Flight 121, has gotten its original name back.

Here's the story: http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=21009

And you can check out the film's imdb.com page here (still with the milquetoast-sounding title): http://imdb.com/title/tt0417148/

Snakes On A Plane!!!!!

Pusan...Is Jus Lyke Compton.

Home again. It was a nice trip. Like to hear about it? Here it go.

I knocked off work at 11am on Friday, packed my shit, and we took the express bus to Seoul station, which, I'm sad to say, is almost entirely bereft of homeless people (I didn't see any, but I'm sure there were some lurking about). I did see a pubic hair on the soap in the subway bathroom, though, so it wasn't a total loss.

Our train left at 3:15. We decided not to take the KTX, because I've heard it's cramped and not exactly ideal for families with a two-year-old. Plus I like riding trains. Almost as much as I like masturbating. Almost.

All was well until my mother, who unbeknownst to me was feeling nauseated all day (she didn't say anything because she was afraid I might cancel the trip), got sick. We were talking, when all of a sudden she sneezed and said "oh-oh." I knew what was next and quickly made way, urging her to head to the nearest bathroom. Unfortunately it was occupied, so she ended up barfing in the sink. Not good times, I bet.

So it wasn't exactly the most serene train ride. We arrived shortly before eight and then took a slow (due to the heavy traffic) cab ride to Haeundae beach, where we had a reservation at a hotel.

Make that a motel. Actually, scatch that; make it a love hotel (or, 모텔). Wifey claims she didn't know it was a love hotel when she made the reservation, but I think she's feigning ignorance. She's kinky like that.

The place was nice; there was a plasma TV, PC with Internet, a king-size bed for the wife and my moms (I slept on a cozy yo, or floor matress; the little girl slept outside in the hallway. Kidding. I'll make sure to keep the child abuse jokes to a minimum from here on out), and a totally kickass bathroom which included a Jacuzzi and a full body massage shower.

But it was still a love hotel.

My conscience gnawed at me until I decided that, awesome room or no, I couldn't have my mother, wife and (especially) little girl stay in such a place. Yes, I'm a total prude.

So the next day we made a reservation at a proper hotel located a few blocks away, the Lord Beach. For the same price as the love hotel (which is named Motel Free, in case you're interested) here's what we got: a room 1/3 the size, a bathroom with a shower head fastened to the wall at the height of my knees, and a 13-inch TV. Hooray!

Also, there was no shampoo or toothpaste, which would have been appreciated because I always forget to pack shampoo and toothpaste (and gloves to cover fingerprints).

But we made due. On Saturday we took a trip to Goje island. We had planned to spend Saturday and Sunday night there, but it wasn't feasible with my mother still somewhat ailing.

With only 3 hours to spend on Goje, we took a scenic drive through some winding mountain passages to a POW camp museum/tour. It was better than the war memorial in Seoul, which isn't saying much, but I mean it quite a lot. It was good. Plus they didn't discount the contribution of the allied forces.

But, goddamn, was it ever hot.

When we got back to Pusan/Busan/Kalamazoo, the wife, I, and the little girl went out for shabu shabu. We had planned to have raw fish, but this restaurant -- which is close to the Lord Beach hotel, and which I haven't the slightest recollection of its name (a reoccurring theme) -- looked too good to pass up.

In short, it was the best meal I've had in a loooooong time. Extra bonus points awarded because the waitress cooked everything for us, and because the little one got a children's meal -- on the house -- in a space shuttle-shaped dish. I apologize for not including many photos of food and shit -- because I can't be bothered. When I see food in front of me I eat it. I don't pull out my camera and take pics of it like it's the fucking Mona Lisa. But I'm weird that way.

The next day we took a boat cruise to the Oruk islets, which was fun. The trouble was that, after the trip, it was only 1:30, and we had no idea how to spend the rest of our day. What we ended up doing was going back to our hotel to devise a plan...but I and my mother ended up falling asleep. Nothing wrong with a nice nap during vacation, I say. When I eventually awoke, we, minus my mother, who would rather eat cookie dough with glass shards in it than raw fish, took a cab down to a renowned 회 restaurant. Again, for the life of me I can't recall its name -- a real shame, too, because it was one of the most memorable dining experiences of my life.

(I won't bore you with the details, but 2 things must be said:

1) I've always heard that raw fish is cheap in Pusan. Well, maybe that's true at some establishments, but it sure as hell wasn't true at this place. Our meal -- flounder, small -- cost 60,000 won. Still, it was worth it.

2) One of the restaurant's specialties is 생선 완자. I have no idea what -- apart from 'fish __' -- that translates to, but I have to say that it was THE BEST FUCKING SHIT I'VE EVER TASTED! I think it was breaded scallops...or scallions...or something. I don't care. It was like crack. I ate about a dozen. And the kickass part was that the waitress kept bringing more and more, free of charge.)

Afterwards we walked along the boardwalk and did touristy stuff: I won the little girl a Winnie the Pooh doll by popping 5 balloons with 5 darts (a feat I'm sure anyone with arms could do; the doll was worth maybe 1,000 won, and the game cost 2,000), and the wife picked out a nice heart necklace that lights up, which our daughter absolutely loved for approximately 3 minutes.

The train ride home was cool. No barfing, and the little girl slept, which gave me some time to crack open a book of Dostoyevsky's short stories. All in all, a nice trip. It's a shame it couldn't have lasted longer, and that my mother was feeling so ill for the better part of it.

Some fottergrafs:



















PS - I would be remiss if I didn't mention that the Lord Beach hotel served my mother toast that was moldy. Because of the "regretable" incident, we got a night's free stay, plus comped meals for the day...but, still, they tried to poison my moms. Warrants mentioning.

Sometimes I Wish My Surname Were Jones...

...so I could name my next child Basketball.

Some thoughts on the NBA off-season:

1) The Shareef Abdur "Radio" Raheem non-trade: I don't know who to believe here. 'Reef was telling the truth when he said that that knee injury happened a long time ago and that he's never missed a single game due to a knee injury, but, on the other hand, the Nets aren't dumb (although that might be debatable); they certainly wanted Raheem to play for them, and he likely would have had a positive impact on the team. Then again, there's a lot of money involved, and just maybe The Nets' physicians know something we don't. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but Shareef's comments about "damage control" may have been a Freudian slip. It'll be interesting to see him play this year, on the Blazers or another team. He's now got something to prove, and will have the Nets office eating heaps of crow if he plays well -- injury-free -- all season. Even better will be seeing him play against the Nets. Mark that on your calendar.

2) Damon Stoudamire signing with Memphis: I bet Damon hates being known as the other Stoudamire. Here's a guy who played great, won ROY, got nervous staying in T.O., asked for a trade, got it, then wallowed in mediocrity in Portland. He played OK last season, and how couldn't he? It was a contract year. But with the Grizz being a significant step up in terms of talent (also debatable), and under the coaching of The Czar, I'm hoping he plays at the level he's capable of. Here's a guy that should be the best point guard in the L not named Steve Nash (or maybe Jason Kidd). I'm rooting for him. And hoping he doesn't introduce Pau Gasol to his water bong.

3) The Heat Mega-Deal: I thought Eddie Jones was a good defender. He choked like the proverbial chicken (as did Damon Jones, for whom I have nothing but love) during the playoffs, but the guy can play D. Now they have James Posey, a very adept defender in his own right (if he can stay healthy), and two chuckers. I like Jason Williams...a little. I get tired of his gangster rap attitude (I had actually thought he'd given it up as he entered into obscurity while playing in Memphis) and his three-point shots with no teammates on the offensive boards, but if he tries hard -- really, really hard -- he can be a good PG for the Heat. Hopefully Shaq and Wade will force him to get with the program. Same goes for 'Toine. I say keep alternating between him starting and coming in off the bench to replace Posey or Haslem during the season. I just hope this year's Heat team, which I'm rooting for to win the Championship, isn't the '05/'06 season's version of the '03/'04 Mavericks.

4) I'm gonna go out on a limb here and predict that Jerome James will have a pretty good season in NY. He's an underachiever who has the talent and body to be one of the top 5 centers in the East, even though that isn't saying much.

5) Good on Ray Allen for staying in Seattle. Bad on Nate McMillan for jumping ship (to Portland no less). I enjoyed watching the Sonics last season. Hopefully McMillan's departure won't mean they'll revert back to suck mode.

6) It's going to be fun watching Cleveland this year. They're going to have to name the Hughes/Lebron connection "Steals INC."...or something a lot more catchier and creative.

My wish list for the upcoming season:

- I want this to be the year that Yao Ming (Chairman Yao, by the way, is the coolest nickname in a long while) starts to dominate. [Bill Walton voice] Get some confidence, big man! He's seems too much of a nice guy to become the L's top Center after Shaq retires. Yao's PR people should seriously consider fashioning him as the Chinese Ivan Drago -- if only so that we can hear him say "you will lose," "I will break you," and "if he dies, he dies" (possibly in reference to T-Mac after he fails to see/ignores the big guy open for the millionth time).

- I want Dwyane Wade to kick it up another notch like Emeril. 3rd season's the charm. Give me a 60-point game, or possibly a quadruple-double. As a side note, I'm looking forward to the Heat games that will be shown on Korean TV, partly because it will be my only chance to wear my custom Wade jersey, which is too f-ing large for me to wear outside for fear that a US military MP will think me an army brat and haul me in for truancy.

- It would be nice if the Raptors could do some thangs, sort of like the Bulls last season (who, in the immortal words of Craig Mack, "won't be around next year" for the playoffs). That or have Rob Babcock decapitated live on TV by a disgruntled fan, possibly my brother.

- I want the Suns to rival -- if not best -- last year's remarkable season. It'll be fun to see Nash and (especially) Stoudamire Version 2.0. And I want Joe Johnson back. No hard feelings, Joe.

- A repeat for Los Sandwiches.

"When I'm alone in my room, sometimes I stare at the wall..."

I've lived in Korea for 5 years (a fact I'm fairly sure I've mentioned roughly 4600 times), but during that time I have barely seen the country. Sad, right? Apart from a trip with my school to Tong Yeong my first month here, and a few trips to Incheon over the years, that's pretty much all I've explored of this fine country. What can I say, I'm a slave to my work. I'm pretty much a homebody, anyway; but even still, I sometimes feel too cooped up.

So finally I will get to see some sights. We venture off to scenic Pusan/Busan/Uzbekesan this Friday, then it's on to Goje Island. Should be fun. I'm looking forward to seeing kids pee in water bottles on the train.

In the meantime, enjoy some photos from our trip to the COEX Aquarium, a place that wears out its welcome the second time one visits it. That might explain why there are so few photos of fish and stuff.


The R.


See, kids, this is what happens if you disobey the rules and tap on the glass.


Worst. Photo. Ever. The little girl blinks just as the pic is taken, and, meanwhile, I have a deer-caught-in-headlights/hostage crisis look. Never say I don't have a self-depricating sense of humor.




Note to kids: it's called a clown fish, NOT fucking Nemo, okay?
Note to aquarium personnel: you better hope Disney doesn't catch wind of your blatant copyright violation.

Scott Stapp's failed booty call at Denny's

Newsflash! Rock star fails to get pussy, gets made fun of instead:

http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php/Scott_Stapp_punked

"Feed Me!"

The Marche at Samsung Plaza is pretty good -- meaning it has food and that the food is edible. Coming from someone who is willfully looking forward to eating Kraft Dinner (yes, the stereotypes are true: black people love chicken and watermelon, and Canadians love Kraft Dinner...and burnt baby flesh) for lunch everyday for about one month, that's as far as I can manage as a food critic.

The "Swiss" sausage (avec mustard! Movenpick Korea spares no expenses) and scallop potatoes were passable, while the salmon roll, which I was supposed to share with the wife but ended up eating all myself, was the shiznittiest of shiznits.

A fun time was had by all, most notably the b-day girl. You can hardly even tell by her facial expressions that we didn't give her any food and made her ride in the trunk during the taxi ride home.

Enjoy (cryptic/stupid captions sold seperately):

03 'Til Infinity

Best. Birthday. Ever.

Momma Sparkles(*_*) and the fam have set a precedent that will be hard to top next year. Yes, the little girl was spoiled. Spoiled rotten. But sometimes it's good to have nice things, and it's nice to have good things. I'll let the photos (mostly) speak for themselves. You have been forewarned: tomorrow comes the sequel.


The booty.


Booty on the side.


Gimme the loot, old man.


There better be a whoopie cushion in one of them there bags.


Cute X 2. Sassy X 4.





She looks like she's sneezing, but really she's trying to manufacture a fake smile.

"Care Bears are like so 80's, Grandma. Whatever."




You can't see it, but what she wrote was Joe Thanks eats horse cock.




Little Stephanie (not her real name).


My style's milk, man, you'd think that I was breastfed.




Let me eat cake.




Pajama Jammy Jam.


Swayze.