Year in Fondue

...Because nothing says 2012 like cheese (or artificially flavored cheese substance warmed to an erotic temperature) and nothing says cheese like a whimsical review of beloved actors and actresses! That being said, and in the interest of science, let us begin with the one who inspired this very post.

1. Bruce Boxleitner

Don't you pretend not to know who Bruce Boxleitner is, and don't feign indifference toward his extensive body of television work, either. Gunsmoke, Baretta*, Hawaii Five-O, Tales from the Crypt, Babylon 5, Scarecrow and Mrs. King; and this is to say nothing of his illustrious film career, which includes such cultural landmarks as Tron, Tron Legacy, The Gambler (starring some guy famous for his failed chain of chicken restaurants) and, of course, Lego Atlantis.

What he's been doing lately:

2. Marc Singer

I could sing** of this man's virtues till the end of time, but you may have forgotten his significance to the history of our planet. Here's something to remind you:

Ring a bell?

Still not ringing bells or rocking balls?

If the above was of no use to you, Dear Readers, then you have me at a disadvantage, sirs and madams, as I lack the capacity to deal with those below a certain degree of sophistica...hey, hold up! Marc Singer guest starred on an episode of Murder She Wrote alongside Psychedelic Kimchi alumnus Angela Lansbury. (Whew! Crisis averted.)

Now that we're all on the same page, let's see what he's been doing with himself these past few years:




3. Jean Marsh

Funny how things work out, yeah? I mean, our friend Jean Marsh has guest-starred on both Hawaii Five-O and Murder She Wrote. Additionally, she's also made appearances on Tales from the Darkside, Love Boat, and Doctor Who. That's right, British television nerds (and nerds obsessed with British television), Jean Marsh played a role on your favorite television program and what's more, she was married to actor Jon Pertwee, best known for his portrayal of Doctor Who's third incarnation. That's right, commonwealth kids, for five years (1955-1960) Jean Marsh was married to, and presumably had sex with a fairly well-received version of your cherished icon. At this point, especially for those who love pretending to be British, there's a serious nerdgasm in the works but don't blow your load just yet, dorks, because Ms. Marsh also appeared as the villainess in both Willow and Return to Oz. Now that your mind has been blown, feel free to do whatever you like with that load.

What's been going on with Jean Marsh as of late?

She had a stroke in 2011, so what am I to say about her career without coming across as a total boor? Coupled with the fact that she and my mother look somewhat alike, I'd be nothing if not a horse's ass for constructing a few crude, disrespectful lines, and I'm that kind of person, fuck you very much.

4. Daphne Zuniga

Princess Vespa!

Princess who?

Shut up.



Zuniga also played Jo Reynolds on Melrose Place but whatever, she's best known as Princess Vespa or, barring that, as the love interest to Eric Stoltz in The Fly II. Sure, Zuniga's made a few mistakes over the years (such as the ironically titled A-List) but all an actress really needs is that one moment of pure greatness, and greatness, thy name is Vespa.

What's she doing now?

Let's see... Mercury poisoning in 2004 from consuming a mammoth quantity of sushi, appointed to the Board of Directors of the Los Angeles River Revitalization Corporation in 2009, a role on television's One Tree Hill... Wait, that's it? Better check her Twitter feed.

Hip issues? Damn, sorry I asked. Let's go back to picking on the guys checking up on our favorite male stars.

5. John Phillip Law

Let me clear: You may know John Phillip Law from somewhere else, and that's just fine and dandy, but here at Psychedelic Kimchi, JPL (precursor to contemporary wunderkind JGL) will forever be known as the titular hero from The Golden Voyage of Sinbad. Behold!***



Discounting for a moment that the film is one of the greatest in the galaxy, how many of us can honestly say we've gone toe-to-toe with an eight-armed, stop-motion-animation goddess of death, Caroline Munro's heaving bosom, and Tom fucking Baker? Seriously, how many?****

What's new in Law's life?

Nothing, actually, given that poor Mr. Law died in 2008. Don't get too bent out of shape, though, since he turned up in the 2012 film L'apocalisse delle scimmie, which just goes to show that you can't keep a good actor down (in the ground).

6. Helen Slater

This one's easy. Helen Slater is Helen Slater.

Helen Slater, circa 1984:

What about today's Slater?

Like I said, easy.



* Back when Robert Blake pretended to solve crimes as opposed to actually committing them.
** Get it? The thing is, I'm clever, see, clever like shitty music bloggers.
*** This blog is filmed in Dynarama, too. That, and not all the crack you've been smoking, is why your eyes feel as if a mermaid just took a dump on them.
**** Put your hand down, Eoin's sister. 

Same Title, Different Song XI

Though it may come as a surprise to longtime readers of this hallowed blog, the topic of this post is not Helen Slater, for while Ms. Slater is many things (awesome, for starters*) invincible isn't one of them - which is a shame, really, but box office receipts are the bread and butter of actors and actresses. Nevertheless, invincibility is the matter at hand, and Helen Slater has a role to play, one I'll get back to in a moment or five.

In a classic case of metropolitan rivalry, we have Chicago's very own OK Go going head-to-head with New York City's Pat Benatar for control of the term itself. Now, I won't divulge which of the two songs I prefer but the appearance of Helen Slater** should give you a big, almost legendary hint.

OK Go - Invincible
Pat Benatar - Invincible


* See also, perfect.
** When they finally come to destroy the Earth, they'll have to go through Slater first.

What You May Have Missed

As we know (and love) about Sparkles, he's not so suave when it comes to making lists; things are often left out, misrepresented, or downright fallacious in presentation, and it's not his fault. Well, mostly not.* Still, and I'm not trying to dog the dog in its doghouse, someone has to come in from time to time to clean up this mess, and that's what I'm here to do, delirious reader.

That out of the way, let's count down the top six under-appreciated comic book films, shall we?

6) Riki-Oh: The Story of Riki

Ever seen a man punch through another man's stomach? A dude's head explode when slapped? A mutated warden being pushed into a meat grinder? No? Then this is the movie for you.

5) The Phantom

Billy Zane, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and the immortal tagline, 'Slam Evil'. You do the math, friends.

4) Tank Girl

What do you get when you take an obscure British comic book, Lori Petty, and Ice-T as some kind of marsupial freedom fighter? Magic, pure and simple.

3) Captain America

If there's a movie that just screams 'low budget', '1990', and 'masterpiece', it's this steaming pile of awesome, starring none other than Matt Salinger (son of author J.D. Salinger, no less) as the titular champion.

2) Spawn

Some have called this film a letdown, what with its PG-13 violence, muddled plot, uneven soundtrack, and ho-hum performances, and they'd be completely wrong. Rent it for yourself**, and you'll know exactly what I mean.

1) Howard the Duck

I really have no way to do this film justice. I was one of the sixteen people that went to see this film in the theater, and I can still look back, after all these years, and not regret a single moment of the experience. I think my mother (who was also in attendance for the event) said it best, as she stood in line for the drinking fountain afterward, with "That movie was the biggest fucking piece of shit I've ever seen" because if a film can elicit such words from a loving mother of three, you know it's gonna be good.

Honorable Mention***

Supergirl

Just because.

* Daredevil?

** Go and rent it, right now.

*** Dis...hon...or..able...discharge!

Monday's List

Cassie Steele

Kristin Kreuk

Ha Ji-won

That Decepticon 'girl' from the new Transformers movie. Not the actress, the robot

Sarah Carter

Power Girl

Bjork

Jennifer Anniston Lopez Esposito

Julianna Guill

Apollonia Kotero

The two female members of Ace of Base

Some lady that rode the 333 last night

Diana Lee

One of my former co-workers

Michelle Pfeiffer, but only if she's wearing the Catwoman suit

At least one of the Constant Retards*

Helen Slater

Peter O'Toole

Karen McDougal

The twins from Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. Actually, scratch that. All the women from Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (even the mom)

Milla Jovovich

Ali Landry

Marisa Tomei

Caroline Munro, circa 1974

Soleil Moon Frye (as an adult, not Punky Brewster)

Betty White

Penelope Cruz

The entire population of Australia

Mariah Carey

Via Guerra

Harumi Nemoto

Harry from Harry and the Hendersons

* William George!

Aces High / Kentucky Rye

Oh me, oh my. Another fantastic Masta Ace Day has come and gone, and I'll freely admit that, next to Halloween, May 13th is easily the best day of any given year. It's not just the man himself which makes the day special, nor is it a day to remind ourselves of the countless bodies that clutter the Slaughtahouse that is our lives. The day is about the music, man, and the masterful energy that invigorates devotees each and every holiday season.

Masta Ace Day is a tradition nestled within tradition; and while the food, song, and dance remain the same, the veneer is what shifts incessantly. Inclined toward the harsh, nihilistic demeanor that only a hard, ghetto upbringing can fully instill (and that is a lifestyle the boys of PK know all too well), any fan of the Masta intuitively apprehends that it's the unyielding spirit that makes -or breaks- the glorious day in question. In other words, it's about being the same snake but with a different skin. Some of you readers don't feel me, so I suggest you loosen that cuff and take a closer look at the Ace up your sleeve. 'Tis a gateway to the past, present, and forgotten future of adventure.

5/13/94: Sparkles and sister celebrate the inaugural Masta Ace Day by smashing open an Aladdin's Castle token repository, and then attempt to purchase cigarettes with that dopey currency. Successfully, I might add.

5/13/95: Denz decrees that the phrase bros before hos only works for men who are more than 63% gay, just after he finished having rough sex with the headmaster's wife.

5/13/96: Forbes and Highly successfully drag a shopping cart behind Sparkles' Suzuki Samurai down a street at speeds in excess of 35MPH, and then proceed to set the cart free, watching as the aforementioned cart hurtles away in a veritable explosion of spark and sound. A young girl is hospitalized in the process, but Forbes scores some big tits nonetheless.

5/13/97: Standing before an audience of Icelandic exchange students, Idealjetsam reads a passage from Kingston's Woman Warrior aloud, one hand raised with clenched fist. Riots ensue.

5/13/98: A council of elders (populated by the likes of Sherman Hemsley, Stephen Geoffreys, Irene Cara, and the ghost of Vincent Price channeled through Bob Sagat) set the official snacks of Masta Ace Day: Country Time lemonade, Bacardi 151, pickled pigs feet, Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls, and baby corn. Sparkles flies into a rage, threatening to start a folding chair melee if Jack Daniel's isn't added to the list. Amendment made.

5/13/99: TMH headbutts former president Jimmy Carter at a stag party. Several strippers ease TMH's agitation, while Carter promises to never fuck with the man again.

5/13/00: Masta Ace celebrates the new millennium by conquering Guam with his musical stylings.

5/13/01: Masta Ace loses control of Guam to the Backstreet Boys. Meanwhile, Denz decorates his newly acquired abode with stolen hubcaps.

5/13/02: Frustrated by the lack of enthusiasm for Masta Ace Day by proletarians, Idealjetsam, TMH, and Toni Morrison set fire to six Popeyes Chicken & Biscuits locations. Masta Ace objects on behalf of such quality biscuits, and the trio reach a compromise with Ace by promising to only kill shift managers. (Morrison is later indicted, taking a fall for the greater good.)

5/13/03: At a local party, Kmart observes coked-out friend Steve Collins launch a bottle rocket from between his ass cheeks. Inspired, Kmart launches a Black Cat 44 millimeter mortal shell toward his own automobile, and hilarity ensues. Sherman Hemsley loses a limb in the process.

5/13/04: For Masta Ace Day, Sparkles treats himself to a Playstation 2 video game console. In protest, his future ex-wife bites the head off of a cockroach and the posterior of a rat. Sparkles responds by putting the dead rat between two slices of bread and states 'You can't stifle this shit.'

5/13/05: Backstage after a Masta Ace concert, Idealjetsam and his consort (Korean sensation, BoA) chat with Ace. Ace prompts IDJ to hit Coney Island for amusement park rides galore, sans Korean singer. Via satellite, Denz annuls the sacred Bros before Hos agreement.

5/13/06: Heavily intoxicated, TMH and Kmart make a pact to actually begin working for a living. Such dedication lasts for approximately sixteen minutes.

5/13/07: Whilst vacationing in luxurious Kalamazoo, Kmart has a chance meeting with Ms. Supergirl herself, one Helen Slater. Despite repeated attempts to successfully woo the maiden, Kmart goes back to his room at the Motel 6 alone. He does, however, make sweet love to numerous Taco Bell signature items, so it's not a total loss.

5/13/08: Sparkles and Kmart, fueled by several alcoholic beverages, decide to refer to themselves as Wang Chi and Jack Burton, respectively. Sparkles repeatedly attempts to slice a bottle of Cass in half with a machete, while Kmart makes innumerable calls to a Korean automobile insurance agency, seeking his stolen truck. In an unrelated sequence of events, the dyslexic duo choose to wear their underwear on the outside (atop their pants), and several Korean men approach them enthusiastically. Somewhere, Denz cackles maniacally.



Take these examples, faithful readership, and alter your life accordingly. Grab the Ace, and never let go of the magic.

__________________________________

Detective McNulty

Kryptonian Kimochi (Psychataxia)

Well, it looks as if another festive Masta Ace Day has come to a conclusion and, frankly, I feel that this year's celebration may go down in history as the greatest ever. The Ace Parade in downtown 'Chon was exemplary, to say the very least, and the annual deflowering ceremony left me anxious to wind down the evening with the sound of vitality. I also decided to watch some television.

Having said that, I just finished watching National Lampoon's Pledge This! To be quite honest, I can't accurately describe just how awful the film was. Imagine taking a dump, flushing the brown bastard, and then finding out that the chunk of choco-delight produced, directed, and starred in a film. I'd rather see that film. Fuck, I don't know what I had been thinking, soiling such a wonderful holiday with this piece of jaozym*. On the other hand, a different movie station was playing Nightmare on Elm Street, part five - The Dream Child, so basically I had chosen to go with something unseen. Freddy's attempt to return via the dreams of a young woman's unborn child is too classy for me, at this point in my life.

Here's a picture, to help you grasp the plot of Paris Hilton's masterwork.


(If you want a synopsis, stare at the picture for about ten minutes, go headbutt a mirror, and then leave a comment. I'll get back to you.)

In hindsight, I must have been more intoxicated than I expected to be, or perhaps I was lured in by the sporadic appearance of large-breasted, naked women (or both). No, okay, look, I was really watching it because I've a penchant for spry, nubile young women. Not really young, mind you, as such things are reserved for the once-in-a-millennium idealjetsam post, but definitely outside the realm of the mature quail.

Which brings us to Sarah Carter.This entelechy has suffered through several bogus productions, but that just implies that she makes poor choices** (Pledge This!, DOA, being a member of the Canadian Debate Team, etc.), and we've all done that***. Hopefully, her upcoming role in Skinwalkers will rectify past errors. If all else fails, she'll at least look a bit more like my ideal woman. (See below.)

Speaking of ideal women, as a lad I had a big crush on Helen Slater aka Supergirl (I think that's why I'm a sucker for vivacious blondes, and luscious magicians), and Sarah Carter kinda reminds me of Kara Zor-El. Sparkles probably thought that my first picture was merely a homage to two of the greatest performers in cinematic history, but alas, I'm simply a drunkard reminiscing about a romanticized past (namely, my affair with Peter O'Toole, but also about Helen Slater, who has successfully spurned me sixteen times). I truly believe that a shard of my boyhood innocence was lost upon discovery that Helen Slater had borne her breasts in a film. I won't say which film, because I'm a gentleman, but rest assured that it can easily be uncovered by any enterprising individual. It also scarred me for life****.

What had I been talking about? Something akin to an ideal woman, I suppose. (Enlarged canines, splattered by blood, and a feral disposition.) You know my number, Carter, and it's time to make the call.



Hati

* Jaozym

** That she makes poor choices implies that I may have a shot with her...so blow me!

*** I worked at a Wendy's during college, and you read this post. We're about even.

**** It disrupted my sense of perception, but not nearly as much as the head-changing Mombi did.