Transformers -- Review

I still haven't seen 2 of the the summer's most-anticipated and -- by many indications -- most disappointing movies: Spider-Man 3 and Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. The negative responses to the films, despite their huge box office success, caused me to become passive about checking them out. (So much so that I wrote a passive sentence about the non-experience.) But I was genuinely exited about Transformers, and yesterday I got a chance to see it.

Honestly, I really can't say why I was hype to see Transformers. It certainly wasn't because I'm a fan of Michael Bay. And that's not a knock on the guy; I realized last week that I have never seen a Michael Bay film. (I'm weird like that.) Furthermore, I liked the toys and cartoon as a kid, but I was never THAT into them. I liked the cartoon more as a concept than the actual execution. (Let's face it, aside from Optimus Prime, the Decepticon infighting between Megatron and Starscream, OG "game don't talk about game" Soundwave, and retarded Dinobots, the titular robots were poorly characterized -- and not even a jive-talking or adolescent-like Autobot can mask the fact.) Ironically, I was intrigued because it appeared that this toy-inspired film about transforming robots was taking itself seriously -- not "Sir Lawrence Olivier in Hamlet" seriously, mind you, but a lot more seriously than a toy-inspired film about transforming robots has any right to be.

If the film were made to appease the rabid, arrestedly developed late-twenties/early-thirties fanboys*, it would have turned out to be a large-budget Power Rangers movie. I didn't want that, and, deep down, despite their protestations, neither did any nostalgic fanboy with an iota of sense. Were the film completely faithful to the source material**, there's no way it would have made for decent cinema. There are some lines between film and comics/cartoons which cannot be crossed***, and Transformers, the cartooniest of cartoons, exemplifies the fact perfectly. There are moments in the film when even I, a self-admitted 4-year-old boy trapped in a grown man's body, cringed at just how ridiculous it all was.

Thankfully, those moments are few and far between. For the most part, Transformers is a movie any self-respecting adult can watch without feeling as though he's reverting back to a life of Count Chocula cereal and Atari 2600s. And no pubic hair.

I was thoroughly entertained, despite Optimus Prime's lips****. Despite Anthony Anderson (who, as evidenced in the sublime Hustle & Flow, has some serious acting chops; too bad he continues to accept shitty roles*****). Despite Megan Fox (seriously, she's too pretty to the point that it ironically becomes impossible to find her attractive******). Despite Scorponok disappearing and never being heard from again (fucker doesn't even transform, too). Despite no Soundwave (that annoying Short Circuit-esque fucker BETTER be a set-up for Soundwave to step in, Pat Riley style, and show how things are done in the sequel). Despite the fact that the Transformers have their own language yet speak English to each other*******. Despite the fact I'm slowly going deaf (sorry, I've become so caught up in this review that the line between semi-professional critique and my so-called life has become blurry. I tend to do that********).

If you can forget, for two-and-a-half hours, that there is no pain and suffering in the world, that the Iraq war isn't happening, and that the Play Station 3 is overpriced, you too will find Transformers entertaining. Even if you can barely make out the dialogue because you have an undiagnosed condition slowly causing you to become deaf in both ears.

Does the Make-A-Wish Foundation accept 29-year-old alcoholic applicants, by the way? 'Cause I'd love to see Bumblebee tit fuck Megan Fox.

Pretend you didn't read that last part. Transformers is a great summer movie. Unless you died from leukemia complications last spring. It's worth the admission price alone just for the cab ride home afterwards where you keep picturing cars on the highway suddenly becoming giant robots and annihilating Imae-dong. Trust me.

3 out of 4 *_*


___

* They're called Transfans. I won't hold it against you for laughing uncontrollably for, let's say, 72 hours. Because anyone who wilfully proclaims himself a "Transfan" has long ago ceded the right to be taken seriously and deserves any and all mockery and scorn which comes his way.

** A fucking toy line!

*** Case in point: the alien symbiote crashing to Earth on a meteorite in Spider-Man 3. No one was expecting Secret Wars, but even in the context of a series of films about a teenager who gains the relative strength and abilities of a spider, that's plain fucking dumb.

**** And that's not my inner Transfan talking; Prime's lips are aesthetically displeasing. I get that the producers felt the bots wouldn't have seemed as human/empathetic/emotive/whatever without showing some mouth (which is why Spider-Man spends, in the films, a ridiculous amount of time with his mask either off or torn so clearly see that you can see Tobey Maguire's Sparkles-esque visage), but Prime's iconic face plate -- though it makes its appearance, sparsely -- is part of what makes the dude cool, and it wouldn't have taken away audiences' sense of his stoic leadership -- would have increased it, in fact. Giving Prime lips was almost as bad a decision as nipples on Batman and Mary getting an IUD after Jesus was born. (I could have done without fangs on Megatron, too.)

***** Word to Hang Time and Kangaroo Jack.

****** Just give her a cauliflower ear and I'm straight. And yellow up her teeth a little. Seriously, there ARE teeth too white so as to blind a man. I don't ask for much.

******* I may or may not be correct here, but I believe this was properly addressed in the cartoon. It is -- stupidly; you'll know it when you hear it -- also taken care of in the film vis a vis Autobot-to-human communication; but still I ponder, "Why does Megatron tell Starscream he has failed him yet again in English, instead of berating him in their native Decepticon tongue? " And why don't, apart from Megatron, Barricade, and Starscream -- the latter of whom's voice sounds awesomely close to the cartoon, if you care -- the Decepticons speak English fluently? Oh, I get it, the Decepticons are thuggish heathens too savage and too malicious to learn the primary language of the planet they wish to dominate. Reminds me of something. Unfamiliar language = evil! The Autobots, on the other hand, dig Top 40 radio, apple pie, and Ryan Seacrest. Good guys! But you know what, delving too deep into the cultural relativist undertones of Transformers is time consuming. And stupid. Stupider than Transfans, even.

******** I, personally, blame Transfans. It's natural that some kid whose Mom wouldn't buy him a Hasbro toy when he was six would grow up to blame Michael Bay and company for destroying his childhood. His mother, after all, is long deceased -- and after God, only Transformers can be blamed for his cancer of the vulva.