In My Four-Cornered Room, Staring at Candles

"Shut up or I'll kick you!"

-- Ivan Karamazov

Remember the twist at the end of The Village? I don't, because I've never seen it -- but I heard it's pretty stupid. Frosted hair-level stupid.

THAT FEIGNED ALOOFNESS MIGHT PASS WERE I ONE OF YOUR HOLLOW ACQUAINTANCES, BUT WAKE THE FUCK UP AND RECOGNIZE GAME, BITCH. I SAW YOUR TOES CURL THE SECOND I WALKED THROUGH YOUR DOOR. YOU HAVE NO GREEN TEA IN YOUR CUPBOARD, BY THE WAY.

I'll make sure to get some tomorrow after I hit the free clinic in Itaewon. In the means, have a butter tart. They're fucking amazing.

I'VE HAD BETTER. LET'S DISPENSE WITH THE PLEASANTRIES, SHALL WE? WE BOTH KNOW WHY I'M HERE.

Why you're "here yet not here," you mean.

WHATEVS. SEMANTICS. YOU SEE ME, ICU. IT'S TIME, PRETTY BOY.

To get a haircut? I know, I need one like Biz Mark. But I keep putting it of--

YOU BETTER GIVE ME THE RESPECT THAT I DESERVE OR I'MA TAKE IT BY FORCE!

Brute force?

YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M NOT ANSWERING THAT. YOU LIKE IN-JOKES? WELL, HERE'S ONE YOU MIGHT'VE HEARD: TWO GUYS WALK IN TO A BAR..WAIT, I FUCKED THAT UP. AHEM. TWO GUYS WALK INTO A BAR.

Waiting.

YOU ARE VERY CRAFTY, I WILL GIVE YOU THAT. BUT, TRUST ME, YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET. WORD TO B.T.O., AS IT WERE.

OK, you've got me anxiously waiting; to what do I owe this visit?

ISN'T IT OBVIOUS? I'VE COME TO COLLECT ON THE PACT WE MADE. I'VE COME TO TAKE AWAY YOUR FIRSTBORN SON.

Um, I don't have a son. You're trippin'.

NOW IT'S MY TURN TO LAUGH. HAHA. HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD THE TALE OF RUMPLESTILSKEN?

Who? What?

I PROBABLY SPELLED IT WRONG. FUCK! THAT'S A HARD ONE TO SPELL, YOU MUST CONCEDE.

Maybe. Are you talking about the story where the girl gives up her firstborn and spins straw into gold?

THAT'S THE ONE! WHAT'S IT CALLED, AGAIN?

Fucked if I know. Rumpelstilsken? I don't type in German, cock snot. Ask Idealjetsam.

I WOULD, BUT HE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN ME. I LIKE YOU. YOU DO. BTW, GOT ANY REFRESHMENTS UP IN THIS PIECE?

I have a large porcelain cup filled with water, cemented to the floor, in the door on your right. You might find a breath mint or twelve in the dish nestled in the corner of the sink, too.

I DON'T SEE IT.

My right, your left.

OH! GOTCHA.

Don't fall in, poindexter.

RUMPELSTILSKIN!

You still on about that?

BOY, AM I EVER THIRSTY. GOT ANY CHILSUNG CIDER, ANY SHRIMP CHIPS?

There's a bottle of Jack in the top cupboard, a can -- my last -- of Cheez-Ums on top of the fridge, and the eyes I stole from the mailroom supervisor at my last job in the cooler next to it. Help yourself.

YOU KNOW, I REALLY USED TO HATE YOU, BUT NOW THAT WE'VE GOTTEN TO KNOW EACH OTHER A LITTLE, I'M SORTA KEEN ON YOU.

Say it, don't spray it.

BUT I'M SERIOUS. I KNOW I TEND TO BULLSHIT AND LIE A LOT, BUT YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON I'VE REALLY FELT COMFORTABLE WITH. THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT GONNA TORTURE YOU, THOUGH. YOU CAN'T TEACH A DOG TO BE A CAT, AFTER ALL.

I guess not.

QUESTION: DO YOU LIKE ME?

I dunno, you HAVE gotten a little cuter since the last time I saw you. You been working out?

AW, NOTHING LIKE THAT. I'VE BEEN LIFTING MY SHARE OF PITCHFORKS (GOTTA KEEP THE TEAM MOTIVATED), BUT I HAVEN'T MADE A CONSCIOUS EFFORT TO IMPROVE MYSELF OR ANYTHING. WHY, DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE?

You look steamy, for sure.

THANK YOU!! JUST LAST WEEK, VINCE CARTER TOLD ME I LOOK FAT.

Don't listen to a word. You're hotter than Hades.

HADES? WHAT'S THAT?

Nevermind. Let's share a tooth brush.

BFF

Indeed.