Galactus's Herald

Dude, you should try the double hamburgers they sell at Buy The Way. The bomb like Gigli. Yeah, the honey mustard sauce is a little disappointing, but I just put some French's on that mutha to bring back balance to the Force. I KNOW I would eat a car bumper if it were slathered in ketchup, but you gotta believe me. You're still eating meat, right? I mean, meat is the truth. Don't front.

I went to Tuna Land in Yatap with a very especial person tonight. He's got a wicked smile. Still, it wasn't the same without you. Wanna watch Grey's Anatomy some time? I got the first 2 seasons on DVD.

It's like this: Fake Plastic Trees and Letdown are untouchable. We KNOW this. But, I'm saying, Blackstar wouldn't exactly get crushed a la the Cleveland Cavs in the NBA Finals. You know I'm right.

(And I know you don't care, but I gotta say it: Lebron James better be careful, or he's gonna end up Nick Anderson squared times a hundred and fifty million. Somebody, give that nail-biting manchild a hug, stat.)

I gotta take a leak. Hold on a sec...

Back like S-lines and Thurman Thomas (what year is it again?). As I was saying, never lend a girl a T-shirt, 'cause when she gives it back -- which she probably won't -- it'll be all stretched out in the chest. And that's the only reason I can think of why breasts suck.

I'm thinking about becoming a snake charmer, actually. My mom is all rah-rah, "Eoin, those things are dangerous," but I really don't see what the big deal is. I can do most anything, after all.

(Don't you breathe. Don't you breathe.)

I need help on something. What adjective best describes how an onion tastes? Certainly, "spicy" is inapt. So what else is there? I want to invent a new word. Onionic? Oniony? It doesn't work, 'cause garlic would be jealous. Buick LeSabre? Unless you say different, onions and garlic shall henceforth be described as tasting Buick LeSabre.

I'm not too worried, yet. Sure, I woke up this morning in the wolf cage at the London Zoo, but right now I feel okay. I mean, I don't feel like biting anyone, if that's what you're getting at. Trust me, if I feel a change coming on, you're the first person I'll tell. Then you can lock me in a shack until I overcome my lunar urges, like Jack did Wolf in The Talisman. Right here and now!

Hey, I just got off the phone with TMH. If you talk to him, please back up my claim that Chinese Democracy is like the shark in Jaws and the suitcase in Pulp Fiction: a force of nature better left to the imagination. I tried to call him back and tell him that I'm going through my own struggles with Cuban Linx II, but Sanjeev picked up and said the master was indisposed with a Thai massage. And, if you can, tell him that Spitting Venom is marvelous, and at least he has Cheetos that'll coat the living room carpet like orange snow. I don't even have kimchi-flavored crisps. These are the sacrifices we must make. Tell that handsome MF that in a few months he'll have Oden and Durant. Waiting is hard, but there's always a reward for those who do. Hope, you see...

Pineapple, tomorrow is waiting for your smile*.

No, Tony Soprano isn't dead. He's a little Italian gangster who lives in my mouth.



* Who says Konglish isn't poetic?