I'm Curious

Note: the following article was written for the Korean 'zine ROKon, but due to editorial reasons was deemed unfit for print. So I'm posting it here for posterity.






I'm Curious


Disclaimer: nothing about the following piece is culturally significant. Nor does it have a purpose. Crude limericks scribbled inside a bathroom stall have more literary value than what you are about to read. It is pure trash, and, having read it, will probably make you stupider. Enjoy.

Imagine how many people out there are fuckin' right now man, just goin' at
it.

-- Slater, Dazed and Confused

I know the following won’t exactly dispel the (supposed) belief amongst Koreans that all foreigners living here are sex-crazed, but I have a confession to make: I am fascinated – perhaps even obsessed – with the sex lives of my host nation’s countrymen and countrywomen.

I often find myself wondering what turns them on, how often they do it, how much pleasure they receive from it, how good they are at it, and so on. And on and on, to the break of dawn. Knock three times on the ceiling if you got the feeling.

It’s not as though I’m sex-starved. Far from it, thankfully. I’m not deprived of sex, though I may be depraved of it. But I don’t think so.

No, I’m simply an average Joe. Nothing moribund here. It’s just that I often find myself wondering about the sexual habits, fantasies, frequencies, fetishes and fundamental freakiness of Koreans.

Is that so wrong?

A million times, nein! Nyet! Non! 안되!

You know what’s to blame, don’t you? Western society. And my parents, of course (what aren’t they to be blamed for is what I wanna know). Curse them for having the wherewithal to instill in me their idea of couth behavior, and here’s why:

Most expats here will readily tell you their own stories of Koreans asking them, flat out, about their sex life; and such candor falls in line with almost every other way in which Koreans broach communication with foreigners, whether it be an ajeossi’s prolonged stare or an ajumma at the sauna poking a western woman’s breasts as though she’s been adopted into the Clan of the Cave Bear: with reckless abandon.

It’s the Korean way, and I admire it greatly. Seriously, I wish I could be so straightforward; but the sad truth is that I can barely ask for my own check in a restaurant, and every time I eat at Burger King I have to make do with two meager packets of ketchup for my fries, because I’m too unassertive to ask for more.

So there’s nothing wrong in my books with Korean outspokenness (unless they’re asking how I got all that blood on me; that can be a nuisance, let me tell you). It barely phases me anymore. In fact, I wish I could act in a like manner. I wish I could ask a person whom I’ve just met how often he has sex with his girlfriend. I wish I could ask my boss how often he masturbates, and what his preferred method of hiding the evidence is. I wish I could ask these questions, and a million more, without any scruples.

In short, I wish I could level the playing field.

And this doesn’t only extend to questions about sexuality. No, sir. I would like to ask the pretty young women I see shopping at Samsung Plaza whether they’ve had cosmetic surgery, and, if so, where and how much it cost. I would like to ask bus drivers whether they were born contemptible, or acquired the trait through arduous practice. I would like to ask the middle-age man who works at the 7-11 in my neighborhood if he feels he has wasted his life, and how his conscience feels when he sells cigarettes to the kids who attend the high school across the street.

But I fear I’m straying too far off-track, and coming dangerously close to making a thesis statement. Rest assured, that was not my intention. This isn’t about me wishing I could ask Koreans every single question that pops into my thick head; it’s about me obsessing over their sex lives.

I know where they do it: at home, at video bangs, at love motels, etc. I know how they do it, I think. Lord knows I know why they do it. But I need to know more. I am thirsty for knowledge.

As I said, there is nothing perverted about this. My want of further knowledge is of an erudite nature rather than an erotic one. Please believe me.

Maybe I’d be better informed if I had had more experience with Korean women. But trying to play the role of Casanova (or, failing that, whore monger) is sadly out of the question. I don’t think my wife would go for it. She won’t even grant me a Kirilenko. How’s that for a raw deal?

Yes, I’m married. So I’ve had some experience with the fierce predator that is the Korean woman. I know what time it is in that department, I guess. But there are a ton of questions which my wife can’t answer, and even more which, to be honest, I don’t have the guts to ask.

Are there, for example, any interesting urban legends akin to the “frozen hot dog” canard of my youth? And just how often do Koreans masturbate? I’m not talking about guys, because it’s common knowledge that men of any race, culture, or creed do it every single day. If a guy disputes this, he’s either lying, has been deathly ill, or is an amputee. And even then he’s probably still lying.

It’s too bad I didn’t grow up in Korea. I’d probably have a lot fewer questions if I had. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a westerner, with my decadent lifestyle, cavalier attitude towards hard work, and unscrupulous desire to chuck my parents in a home when they get too old/annoying; but because Korea is my home, and will be for the foreseeable future, I feel I need to know everything about the culture in which I am immersed, and this includes sex.

Unfortunately, I’m disallowed such fleeting knowledge due to my aforementioned modesty. Perhaps, when this life is over (sometime next Wednesday by my calculation), I will be reincarnated as a Korean male. Then – and though I’m aware of the paradox it would create – all my questions and ponderings will be answered.

That would be truly fulfilling. If reincarnation is real, I hope and pray that what I’ve just written will come to pass.

But only if I get to keep my 10-inch-long penis.


The Writer, 28, lives in Bundang, has a loving wife, a beautiful daughter, and a winning smile.