Michael Corleone

For the first time in my life, I can't wait for Monday morning to arrive. I'm not going to go on at length about the MIAMI HEAT'S TOTAL OBLITERATION of the Dallas Organ Donors, save for these quick(long) points:

1) Yeah, Avery deserved Coach of the Year honors; but what's up with him holding Eric "Shaq Killer" Dampier and Keith "Knowledge be Born" Van Horn out for most of the game? Because, you know, the Mavs actually could have used them. (I can't believe I just typed that, either.) Not that I'm complaining. Hey! DJ Mbenga will be back for game 5. Talk about your impact players. Changes the entire series, doesn't it?

2) A big middle finger to all the sports writers -- especially Steve Kerr and Mark Stein -- who wrote shit such as The Mavs will be fine; no need to change their gameplan, no need to tamper with success; nothing has changed; you'll see a different Mavs team come game 4. That last part is technically true; we did see a different Mavs team. Only I don't think that's what all those overpaid numbskulls had in mind.

By the way, how many big leads have the Mavs blown in these playoffs? A lot, that's how many. How many blowouts have the Heat won in these same playoffs? A lot, that's how many.

Warrants mentioning. And the only reason I do so is because, should the Heat win the championship, you're going to hear a lot of They only won it all because they put together a talented Frankenstein team of free agents and journeymen to complement Shaq and Wade, as opposed to the No way they could have dreamt to win a championship with a roster full of exiled, undependable and selfish journeymen/free agents talk that's been going on all season.

They've been perennial underdogs, yet somehow, should they take the series, it will, according to revisionist historians (aka coke-snorting sports writers), have been inevitable all along, and you can bet dollars to Dirk Nowitzkis those assholes will try to cheapen the greatness.

Mark my fucking words. No pun intended.

(And for the record, I think Kerr's a great guy -- mostly because, like me and Ron Howard, he's a member of the Dorian Gray fraternity. But he should stick to calling games. He prognosticates like I ably iron dress pants.)

3) Dwyane Wade is the best basketball player in the world.

4) I had a mini-heart attack when the Heat made like 200 consecutive turnovers in the 4th, but thankfully the Mavs took advantage of Miami's slippage for a total of 400 minus 400 points. I'd like to believe that Riles will have them protect the ball better next game, but it's worked these past two contests, so fuck it, why tamper with success?

[/sarcasm]

5) If Dallas manages to regroup and win the series (big "if"), who are they going to give the Finals MVP to? Nowitzki? Very undeserving, especially after his performance today. Ditto for Howard. And can you imagine Jason Terry, NBA Finals MVP? Me neither.

Who's left? Stackhouse? A sixth man as Finals MVP? Pretty sure that's never happened before. Probably for good reason.

What I'm getting at is, is it explicitly written in the NBA rule book that a Finals MVP MUST play for the winning team?

If the Mavs end up winning it all (and I realize my hypothetical questioning only serves to dangerously anger the basketball gods), is it still possible for D-Wade to earn MVP honors?

'Cause that would be cool.

6) When your team is losing, those Tom Petty songs are excrutiating to listen to; but when they're winning, it's the sweetest music you'll ever hear.

7) I'll forgive the South Beach crowd for the white shirt theme -- after all, most of them are old and senile; you could probably coax them into watching the game shirtless with their socks tucked into their pants. But that middle-aged Asian guy with the buggy sunglasses who waves dual Heat flags at midcourt during the player intros is singlehandedly the worst thing I have seen in my 20 years as a basketball junkie (and that includes Kareem's jacket). Who the fuck came up with that idea, and how high was he when he did?

Worst. Player. Intros. Ever.

8) Due to nerves, I watched the game 3 comeback standing up. That of course led to me watch the entire game today while doing the same. Because I'm superstitous like that.

For those scoring at home, the Miami Heat are 128-93 against the Mavs when I watch the game while standing.

Somebody should inform Elias.

And even though I plan to wake up at 4am on Monday morning to watch the Korea/France World Cup match, and will likely be exhausted (and possibly drunk) by the time 10am rolls around, you can bet your Jennifer Lopez that I'll stand for the duration of Game 5.

I'm not crazy. Why tamper with success?

I only hope that denz, regardless of how much he despises the Heat franchise, plays his part and orders another roast beef roll for lunch.



Let's Go Heat








Bonus Track)

Well I started out
down a dirty road
Started out
all alone

And the sun went down
as I crossed the hill
And the town lit up,
the world got still

I'm learning to fly,
but I ain't got wings
Coming down
is the hardest thing

Well the good ol' days
may not return
And the rocks might melt
and the sea may burn

I'm learning to fly,
but I ain't got wings
Coming down
is the hardest thing

Well some say life
will beat you down
Break your heart,
steal your crown
So I've started out,
for God knows where
I guess I'll know
when I get there

I'm learning to fly,
around the clouds,
But what goes up
must come down

I'm learning to fly,
but I ain't got wings
Coming down
is the hardest thing

(Repeat Chorus)