End-to-End Burners, Pt. I (Pistons vs. Cavs, Game 4)

I'm not sure if you enjoy reading these scattershot game logs, but I definitely have a lot of fun writing them, and since I haven't done one in a while, I figured I'd keep a running diary of game 4 of the Pistons/Cavs series. Hell, if I get in a rhythm I might tackle Spurs/Mavs game 4, as well.

It'll be tough for the Cavs to win this one, but I'm openly rooting for them -- because I tend to cheer for the underdog, but also because, with Miami up 3-1 to the Nets, a tough series for the Pistons is what the Heat need. Let's not fool ourselves, the Cavs can't win this series; but they can wear the Pistons down, and that would be a big advantage to the Heat.

Before I jinx Miami further, let's go to the game:

Thank god the league is making sure that these playoff games begin no later than 5 minutes after their scheduled start times, as opposed to the regular season, where they sometimes start 17 minutes late...'Sheed misses his first shot, which, because he promised a win, the crowd absolutely loves...Gooden gets the ball and is called for the travel...Ben Wallace throws up an airball...Drew Gooden opens up scoring with a putback, then 'Sheed scores at the other end...Our announcers this evening (morning, for me) are Dick Stockton and Reggie Miller. Let's hope Reggie will bless us with another gem such as his "beehive line to the basket" remark from a game last week...Can I please get a ruling on the pronunciation of Anderson Varejao's name?. Is it "Varejon" or "Varejow"?. And how in hell can it be "Varejon" when there's no 'n' in the guy's name?...Seriously, somebody pass Tayshaun Prince a Whopper and fries...Since 'Sheed guaranteed a Pistons win, I've decided to make a few guarantees of my own: 1) I am going to finish the unopened carton of milk in our fridge before it expires tomorrow. 2) I'm going start reading more and blogging less after this month. 3) Vince Carter is going to reveal that he has a fake injury. And a vagina...One more: Lebron is going to have another triple double...Has anyone seen Zydrunas Ilgauskas?...Dick Stockton pronounces Carlito's name "Varejow"...Detroit's blanketing D is forcing Lebron to settle for outside jumpers early...This game is brought to you in part by the city of Las Vegas. I love this idea. Other cities should get in on the action. Can you imagine the possibilities? "Brought to you in part by Bumpass, Virginia: whatever happens in Bumpass stays in Bumpass."...Larry Hughes is still not back following the death of his younger brother. Our heartfelt condolences, LH...Rip Hamilton just got blocked and stripped like Mel Gibson in Braveheart...This crowd is ignited...Early on, it doesn't appear as though we're going to be treated to an offensive clinic...TNT airs a promo for their upcoming Stephen King-inspired series, Nightmares and Dreamscapes, which leads me to wonder: why can't they get The Twilight Zone going again?...My daughter starts a "let's go Heat!" chant, and when I tell her the Heat aren't playing this morning she asks who's playing, then. "The Cavs," I say. "The Lakers?" "No, dear," I tell her "the Lakers were eliminated. They're finished." To which she whines "Awww! Lakers!!!" I'm disowning her...Dick Stockton informs us that Anderson Varejao himself wants his name pronounced "Varejow." How it started getting pronounced "Varejon" in the first place is what I wanna know...Lebron has no assists...After 1 it's Pistons 19, Cavs 16...Remember the Name continues to be played to the point where it's lost for me any listenability it once had. By the way, I think it's dedicated in this case to Anderson Varejao...The Closer was last season's number 1 new drama? Really?...Time for a CNN/Heineken Sports Update. Nice to see CNN's continuing dedication to journalistic integrity...The next ad is for KFC's new Cheese and Chicken Mashed Potato Bowl, which is exactly what it sounds like. Some might bemoan this as a new low in American fast food cuisine, but not me. Besides porn, I consider this to be the best invention ever...In Reggie Miller's keys to the game, he says the Pistons' bench has to step up. The Pistons have a bench now?...The Cavs take the lead with a 3-pointer by Flip Murray, but Chauncey Billups answers at the other end with a 3 of his own...Lebron is heating up...'Sheed hurts his ankle. The fans cheer boisterously, and Reggie admonishes them for it. Then Stockton chimes in, saying he thinks the fans are more cheering for Lebron's dunk on the play. Stockton's spinning faster than a dradle..."[Rasheed Wallace] didn't come down on no one's foot." Love those double negatives, Reg...Man, this crowd is hype. The series has sucked thus far, but I'm really getting into this game...Kevin Bacon is in a Hanes underwear commercial with Michael Jordan. You read that correctly. In the ad, Bacon is shooting something (maybe underwear) into a basket when out of nowhere Jordan appears and rejects his shot. Total goaltending...Those Man Hall spots are dope. My favorite line, courtesy of Burt Reynolds: "I don't want your stinky finger in my beer!"...'Sheed is fine. Of course he is. The Pistons are indestructible...Reggie Miller on a disputed foul call: "That looked like all ball." Wait, is he talking about Koko the gorilla's pet kitten?...My wife asks me if her outfit looks okay. I tell her it does, but remind her that pants would probably be a smart addition before she leaves the house...Maurice Evans is checking in for the Pistons. Wait, who?...Ilgauskas is absolutely killing his team. Here he's called for a clear path foul...Lebron James nails an amazing 3-pointer at the buzzer...After 2 it's the Pistons 38, the Cavs 36...Halftime, just in time for me to take the little girl to her bus...And time enough for me to whip up this nifty breakfast: Frosted Flakes (which my wife bought despite my protestation; I love bad food, but I'm a fundamentalist when it comes to cereal. Give me Corn Flakes or give me death), 2 slices of imitation SPAM, some eggs I found in the back of the fridge and which look a little green (not green enough that they look inedible, however), 2 big cookies (one peanut butter, the other oatmeal), a 350ml bottle of lemonade, and lots of milk...Eric Snow ties the game to begin the 3rd quarter...'Sheed is quickly hit with his 3rd personal foul...TNT is having trouble keeping score. The Cavs were up by 3, but then the apparent mistake was fixed and now they're up by 1...There's 4 minutes, 38 seconds remaining in the 3rd, and LBJ has yet to score in the half...Dick Stockton: "The and-one [for the Cavs] is not in the...books." I think "cards" was the word you were looking for, Dick...During a break, Yahoo! tells me that Naomi Watts has been named a U.N. AIDS envoy. I didn't know Naomi Watts has AIDS...A big 3 from Donyell Marshall. His first basket of the game. Good thing he made that; I was going to start referring to him as Penny Marshall if he didn't...The Pistons have opened up a 6-point lead, their biggest of the game...After 3 it's the Pistons 59, the Cavs 53...I'm confused, Macy Gray used to work at McDonald's, or is she working there now?...Lebron throws up a horrible airball from beyond the arc. I think it landed in Lake Erie...Usher is cheering on the Cavs. And wearing a really ucking fugly jacket. It's not up there with Kareem's, but it's close...'Sheed misses a 3 and the crowd loses it...Marshall with another huge 3. The Cavs are within 2...Reggie Miller indirectly disses Donyell Marshall by saying "there's one thing he can do, and that's shoot the 3."...Lebron James finally makes a basket. They needed that, and now have the lead...The Pistons have missed 9 in a row, and they've just picked up their 4th team foul...Marshall with a steal (see, Reggie? He can do other things than shoot the 3), and then to Eric Snow for a fast break layup...Detroit picks up their 5th team foul. The crowd is going bonkers...The Cavs have a 5-point lead, their biggest of the game...Rip Hamilton scores for the Pistons, who hadn't made a basket in over 8 minutes...Reggie calls James "21 Jump Street." Um, Reggie, you do know that James's jersey number is 23, right?...This crowd is electric!...Tayshaun Prince with a big 3 that cuts the Cavs' lead to 1...This game is great and all, but it feels as though it's missing something. Wait, I know what it is: the McDonald's "Samantha wanted hors d'oeuvres" ad. Where'd it go?...Since I directed the first 2 films, I feel I possess enough authority to speak out against X III: The Last Stand, which from the clip I saw online last week looks fucking terrible. Of course I didn't expect any less from Brent Rattner. What's up now, Marvel/Fox?...Snow with a flagrant 1 foul on Maurice "Who?" Evans...We are tied with 2:30 remaining...James with a huge layup...Billups misses a 3...Why the hell is Maurice Evans playing so late in such a close game? Is this the Flip Saunders touch?...'Sheed isn't on the floor, by the way...Detroit's defense is smothering the Cavs...James with another airball. He's like me playing last Sunday, a travesty which I won't refer to save for this: the next time some snotty high school kid guards me and wraps his arms around me every time I drive the lane, and no one calls a foul because they're all friends of this kid, I'm going to indiscriminately start punching people. Fa real...Rip Hamilton has quietly picked up 30 points...Damon Jones mauls Ben Wallace, hoping for the foul because Ben's such an awful foul shooter, but the refs call a jumpball. NBA refs, man...Offensive foul on Billups!...Lebron misses a shot. He's 2-for-12 in the 2nd half...The Pistons, down by 1, have the ball with 8 seconds remaining...Wait, there's a New Super Mario Bros.? I may have to buy a Ninendo DS. And quit my job...Hamilton misses a layup! It's the Cavs ball with 2 seconds to go...Lebron is immediately fouled...He misses the first free throw! He's 4-for-9 from the line so far...He hits the second...The Pistons' inbounds pass is stolen...Cavs win! Cavs win!...Final Score: Cavs 74, Pistons 72...Player of the Game: James, though for the life of me I cannot justify why, even though he did nearly get that triple double I predicted...What a game!...Rasheed Wallace is a liar.