Do or Die, Squared (Mavs/Spurs and Clippers/Suns, Game 7)

Besides obvious things such as winning the lottery (not that I would know anything about that), getting married, having children, and discovering money in between sofa cushions, is there anything better than a game seven?

Yes: two game sevens*.

Even though I don't care much either way who wins the Mavs/Spurs game, it would be something to witness two 3-1 comebacks in the same post season, and I have a feeling that's where we're headed. And Suns/Clippers has all the makings of a classic.

So without further adieu, let's go to the games:

Mavs vs. Spurs

If Mark Cuban whines, and there's nobody around to hear him or care, does he make a sound?...By the way, does Cuban ever do any work? Between attending games, updating his blog, and generally making his incorrigible presence felt anywhere and everywhere, it's a wonder he's as successful as he is. I suppose the same is true for someone else we know, but for the life of me I can't pinpoint whom...No way San Antonio loses this game. I've got a good feeling for these types of situations. I had the same feeling after the Suns went down 3-1 to the Lakers, and the reverse feeling after the Pistons won in Cleveland to force a game 7. And of course I'm never wrong about these things...Nowitzki opens scoring with a dunk...Marv Albert says the Mavs have come out extremely agressive. Does this mean we're in store for more nut punches? Let's hope so...Bruce Bowen gets the first basket for the Spurs...Josh Howard, whose attempt to make braces on grown men look cool isn't working, hits a 3 at the other end...Dallas is definitely controlling the tempo early...After the Mavs get out to a 9-2 lead, Pop smartly takes a 20-second time out. The Spurs have started this game as lethargic as Leonardo DiCaprio and his teammates in The Basketball Diaries...Lots of Mavs fans in the house. Or maybe it's Cuban making all that noise. Yeah, that's probably it...What is this Dirk/Hasselhoff thing all about?...I have to take the 18th Letter to her bus...it's 19-12 Mavs when I return...Time for breakfast. Today's menu: curry and rice, 4 pickled hot chili peppers, and a tall glass of flat Pepsi. Because I'm not that hungry...Tim Duncan has been fouled like 20 times already. Incredibly, Keith Van Horn has 3 fouls with just under 4 minutes remaining in the 1st...I'm praying that this doesn't suck like the final Cavs/Pistons game...Kerr calls Nowitzki an MVP candidate. He knows they already gave the award to Steve Nash, right?...I'll bet you 100 bucks Bill Simmons is also doing a running diary of these games. Here, I'll give you the gist: he's eating Sour Patch Kids, drinking Starbucks (and I ask, how can that compete with hot dogs and cereal?), his dog Dooze is doing stuff, his wife is threatening to divorce him, his baby is crying, the refs are doing a terrible job, and someone reminds him of a character from The Karate Kid, 24, Road House, Point Break, or The Warriors (no, the irony isn't lost on me). Yawn. The pupil has become the master, Billy...Steve, I like you, so here's a plea: don't quote Doug Collins. Not ever, you hear me?...The Mavs are threatening to run the Spurs out of their own building. I'll refrain from making any bad horse puns. For now...The Mavs have hit 15 of their 17 1st quarter field goals (!)...After 1 it's Dallas 37, San Antonio 27...Marv: "Eva Longoria, fresh off her season finale for Desperate Houswives, is hoping this isn't the season finale for Tony Parker." A chalkboard scraped with a thousand fingernails wouldn't have made me cringe more...Wait, Avery Johnson was cut on Christmas Eve? Figuratively or literally? Cut by whom? Needless to say, I'm confused...Kerr says the Mavs are getting too much penetration to the rim. That never gets old...The Admiral is in the house...This game is getting uglier than the love child of Gregg Popovich and PJ Carlesimo...Bowen has hit his last 2 three-point attempts...Jason Terry answers at the other end. He's 5-for-5 with 14 points...Terry hits another 3. He's en fuego!...Dick Bavetta--I mean the Spurs really need to start asserting themselves...San Antonio is making a late run as we near the end of the second quarter...At the half it's Dallas 64, San Antonio 50...Know what Jason Terry has in common with Andrew Golota, besides a penchant for punching people in the balls? In interviews he sounds like a boxer rather than a ball player. God, I never realized how annoying he is...I still think San Antonio wins this...They certainly begin the second half in the right direction. Parker gets a layup, followed by an offensive foul on the Mavs at the other end...Jason Terry hits Manu Ginobli with a forearm. Non call...The Spurs are within 10...Duncan makes a sweet off-balance shot while double teamed, and he gets the foul (misses the freebie, though)...Marv tells Kerr that he wants to dress him in women's underwear and bite him. Sorry, just checking whether or not you're paying attention...TD just got his first rebound of the night. No, you didn't read that incorrectly...Van Horn with an airball. Clutch...Avery Johnson--I mean the lead has been cut to single digits (8)...Jerry Stackhouse hits a big shot with Bowen draped -- where else? -- all over him...Dirk with a runner that increases the Mavs' lead to 12...Ginobli, doing his best Reggie Miller impersonation, is "fouled" beyond the arc by Josh Howard...The Spurs are within 7, and this crowd is going apeshit...Duncan is showing some emotion for a change. Besides his whining after every foul called against him, I mean...The Spurs are within 4...Van Horn, aka Foul-O-Matic, with a big 3...And another! The Mavs are back to a 10-point lead...It's Mavs 84, Spurs 78 after 3...If I have to watch Kyra Sedgewick shine a fucking flashlight at the bottom of my screen one more time, I'm going to lose my shit. And no, I'm not on acid; TNT is cramming their stupid drama, The Closer, down viewers' throats...Now Saved, that's a show I might watch. They've similarly been promoting the shit out of it, but at least some of the promos have been funny...The Spurs are within 2...Can we put a ban on the phrase "one of the league's premier free throw shooters", or at least a moratorium?...Sonic serves bacon, egg and cheese breakfast burritos? Yeah, I'm definitely emigrating to the US...According to Marv, "a wet spot on the floor is being taken care of by one of the ball boys." Definitely makes the list...Duncan is 16-for-21 at the free throw line...The Spurs are in the penalty with 7:38 remaining...Spurs within 3 with 6:25 to go...Bruce Bowen will never make that 3 with both hands around his throat...Van Horn has fouled out...Duncan's doing his "I didn't do anything!" routine again. Give it a rest, dude...The Spurs are within 2 with 2:38 remaining...Make that within 1 after a clutch tre from Michael "Willy Loman" Finley...Eric Dampier has fouled out...Duncan at the line for 2 huge free throws: he misses the first, hits the second. Jesus, he has 39 points, a season high...Tie game!...Ginobli with a tre to give San Antonio a 3-point lead! Take a look at Mark Cuban's face. Are you kidding me?...Nowitzki drives to the hoop and is fouled, giving the Mavs a chance to tie. How/why do you foul a guy in a situation like that?...Dirk makes the free throw...Has Marquis Daniels played at all this game?...We're going to overtime...Due to OT, Suns/Clips is going to start on TBS, effectively pissing off anyone who was watching Beastmaster...Josh Howard starts off OT with a bucket...Then he fouls out...Jerry Stackhouse puts Dallas up by 6 with a mini-dagger...Duncan with 2 at the other end...Jason Terry misses a shot, which Marv calls a "rainbow". I really wish he'd stop saying that...Duncan with a huge miss...Diop (isn't there a perfume named after him?) extends Dallas' lead to 5 with 22 seconds left...Devin Harris commits a boneheaded delay of game, leading to a technical free throw by Michael Finley...Phoenix is up 18-10, by the way...Finley misses a 3...This game is ova...Final score: Dallas 119, San Antonio 111...Player of the Game: Dirk Nowitzki.

Clippers vs. Suns

It's 26-20 for the Suns. We're joined by Kevin Harlan and some guy who knows Michael Jordan personally...I'm hype for a Suns/Mavs Western Conference finals, so don't blow it, Phoenix...James Jones for 3. Yes!...Vlad Radmanovic looks like Hans Klopek from The 'burbs (a choco pie if you get that)...That's gotta be a flagrant foul on Raja Bell for sideswiping Shaun Livingston. No!?...Corey Magette ties the game at 28...Collins calls Leandro Barbosa "a special kid". Is he trying to say Barbosa's retarded?...Here's the strangest, most random moment of the day: country western music is blasting through my neighborhood right now...TNT finally airs an ad for KFC's Classic Bowls. They have to be trying to appeal to people who are up late, stoned, and with a case of the munchies. Brilliant marketing strategy, I must say...Phoenix is on a 9-0 run (and if you think I typed "Phoenix" because I can't come up with any more words that rhyme with Suns and run, you're right)...Elton Brand is heating up...If the Suns advance, is D'Antoni going to use Kurt Thomas? I wonder...Steve Nash with a tre. He was 2 of 18 from 3-point territory the past 2 games. Ugh...What's this Midnight Spank on G4 all about? Sounds erotic...I guess the Suns have proven that, even without Amare, they're more than simply a great regular season team...There are more fouls early in this game than a Kentucky barnyard (your guess is as good as mine)...The Clips are within 3 with 5 minutes remaining in the half...Boris Diaw hits a jumper. Another good thing about the Spurs getting eliminated? We won't have to endure endless comments about how much Diaw and Tony Parker love each other. Then again, we will have to hear endlessly about Nash and The Big German. I guess it's sort of a lose-lose scenario in that regard. And you're kidding yourself if don't think a Brokeback Mountain parody starring the two is being put together as I type this...Haven't noticed Shawn Marion much...Nash is a great point guard and everything, but there are certain moments when he inexplicably turns into Jason Williams and hoists up ill-advised shots, what my high school gym teacher would have called "trying to be the hero"...What a pass!...Sam Cassell steamrolls Raja Bell, who, unbelievably, is called for the foul. Is it just me, or has refereeing in major sports always been this bad, and it's only these past ten years that we've taken complaining about it to such Olympian heights?...At the half it's Phoenix 65, LA 57. The Suns have already scored more points this half than the Cavs scored during THE ENTIRE GAME yesterday. Just saying...By the way, if the Suns keep things up and send the Clips packing, can we set up a series with the Sparks to complete the LA trifecta? Please?...I adamantly believe that athletes shouldn't be interviewed before a game is over. Except in hockey, and that's only because of all the hilarious ums and ahs...Boy, Pop doesn't look too comfortable at that post game press conference...Well this is dandy: Stream TV is down. You get what you paid for, I guess. Can't blame me for trying...Scratch that; it's my Internet connection that's down...OK, we're back with 7:42 remaining in the 3rd. The Suns are up 82-71. Some awesome defense in this one, huh?...Hey! It's Chris Kaman. One of my favorite Barkley quotes, in reference to Kaman: "I hope he has a pretty wife, or else he's gonna have some ugly kids." Classic...The Clips are within 7...Barbosa hits a big 3...As for the Clippers, they have hit exactly zero 3-pointers all game. Unbelievable...Collins calls Quentin Ross "a good-looking player". Uncomfortable silence ensues...Cutino Mobley just got T'd up...The Suns are now up by 12 and threatening to run away with this...Barbosa gives the Suns their biggest lead of the game (13)... Can we put a ban on Doug Collins saying the phrase "feast or famine," or, better yet, a moratorium on him speaking altogether?...Collins again: "[Barbosa] is speed on speed". Wait, is he trying to say Leandro's on amphetamines?...94-79 after 3. Not hard to guess which team has what...When do the protests against Nacho Libre start?...Phoenix, whose alternate orange jerseys always make me think of Vietnamese noodles [Edit: I'm tripping; the orange jerseys of course read PHX, and not PHO], is up by 18...Yup, we are into full-on blowout mode with 9 minutes remaining...Just to show you what a nail-biting game we've got going here, Paul Mokeski, quite possibly the ugliest player the L has ever seen, is being interviewed. Let's just say his voice doesn't exactly compensate for his freakish looks, either...Final score: Phoenix 127, LA 107...Player of the Game: Steve Nash...Well, ladies and gents, it's Mavs vs. Suns in the West finals, and let me just say this:

Fuck the Dallas Mavericks.

* And 3 game sevens are better than 2, and so on and so forth, but you get the idea.