Back to Back Rhymin' - A wiseman killed one horse and made glue.

1) Are you as surprised as I am about the Lakers? And do you think they could possibly make the conference finals? The NBA finals?

Not at all. In fact, I really thought you underestimated the Lakeshow in your predictions. I know this is easy for me to say now (pre-playoff B2BR in absentia), but I just knew that regular season Kobe was only the shape of things to come. I think it's easy to overlook the fact that Bryant (just like Shaq) is all post season. Now that diesel is spluttering, I say the eel is the only one in the L that can step up and single-handedly change the shape of an entire series (compared to say a game or two with Wade and Bron).

Two additional factors capped the Laker's leap for me:
1. The MVP snub
2. The poor showing in game 1

Those two developments should have had the Suns taking stock and taping up the windows. Reminds me of one other guy who would probably use those two setbacks as a motivation to destroy another team, and I'm not talking about Marciej Lampe. What has surprised me is the way he is done it. Homeboy can spell team.

The only thing stopping KB24 reaching the finals is whether or not the new and improved model runs out of gas – but hey, there's oil in Texas, right? (To paraphrase Daniel Tosh - You like that? I was walking down hoops street when *bamn* I took a left on politics). Seriously though, I do wonder if it is humanly possible for Kobe to sustain this emotion and intensity with only a solid number 2 in Odom (who's been 1 part Horace/1 part Scottie) and a Walton – whom I fucking love, by the way. In fact, I love any player who takes the regular season off and only shows up for the playoffs (with the exception of Jerome James – aargh, I promised myself I wouldn’t think about it). Walton is like the white Robert Horry, only minus the game winners and any passing resemblance to that sellout the fresh prince.

The critical question for the Lakes is whether they can really win it all with guys like Smush and Kwame. Only one guy has won with less, and he at least had a separate Pippen and a Grant. He also had Phil. Go figure.

Could they win in the conference/finals? I don't know, I think Dallas (horses) and Detroit (horsepower) both have what it takes to beat LA. In the interim, maybe Cassell (hung like a horse) could say a thing or two about it as well.

They still have to get pass Boris Diaw. If they do though, the LA series should be great.

As an aside, has the switch to 24 been explained yet? Speculation?


2) Which series has been the most engaging?

Look, Spurs/Kings is probably the most interesting from a hoops theory perspective. Personally, I'd rather watch stock footage of insurgency in Fallujah.

But for sheer playoffs, it has to be the Suns/Lakers. I think might even be rooting (cf. raping) for Kobe.

As for the Suns, they're proving that even without Amare, they truly are an exceptional regular season team.


3) Though I disagree with the Heat's thuggery (they're turning into the new-millennial New York Knicks), how does Posey get suspended and not Walton? Furthermore, is it ethical to have Bill Walton calling a game in which his son is playing?

(i) Walton is white, right?
(ii) You know, it would be unethical if Bill Walton exhibited some level of coherency. I think I smoked up with Walton in 1994. Nice guy, but he's no Steven Hawking.

Man, you made me all nostalgic for that old Knicks team. In fact, I resolve to write a column about how I came to be a Knicks fan. I’ll call it… I hate myself and I want to die.


4) How's the playoff coverage in Oz? In Canada these days you can catch every game, but it wasn't always so. Until about 7 years ago it used to be that the NBA on NBC was your only chance to catch the playoffs, which during the week meant catching scores on CNN's Headline News or in the paper. Boy, that used to suck.

Are you kidding? On free-to-air, I'm lucky to get a 5 second play of the day. The salad days of hoops on Australian TV are over (1990s).

There are options. Although the missus believes that getting pay-tv (cable) is reserved for people with eating disorders (you know, fat people) and the unemployable. As I am currently neither (give me time – I’m a later bloomer), I am lucky if I get to see a game or two a week. Imagine a scenario where a fella would have to eat up his monthly bandwidth by downloading games from China and Eastern Europe? Not that I could ever endorse such a scenario.

I wonder if my disconnection from the game is starting to affect my ability to engage thoughtfully on hoops. In between married life, work, home improvements, grad school, korean school, sitting in traffic, standing in supermarkets, standing in hardware stores, standing uncomfortably outside women's change rooms – I even caught my wife in the planning for pregnancy section of Borders the other day – I can fit in two, tops. Choose life?

That reminds me. Is the 18th letter actually named after the 18th letter? Because if you called her Ra and her Korean surname is Kim… well, I wouldn't know what to think. Does she know the lyrics to “I ain’t no joke”?

Back to hoops, I have not seen a second of either the Grizzlies/Mavs or Stones/Bucks series. Then again, if they were showing these games, I probably wouldn’t watch them anyway. Sure, I feel guilty about it, but you know – it’s not like the Knicks are playing. That said, if my boss ever fires me, I plan on buying NBA 2K6 and simulating the entire season as penance for my sins.

Hopefully we're only a few short years away from being able to subscribe to, and watch hoops (or, during the offseason, porn) on my phone. I'll get some mood lighting installed in my toilet and I'll be set.


5) Besides Reggie Evans grabbing Chris Kaman's nuts from behind, what's been the best play of the post season thus far?

On Court:
Kobe over Nash. I could even imagine him visualising it before the game, in his den, stroking his mamba. There's only one way to describe that dunk. It's the "fuck you" dunk. Poetry.

Off Court:
Kobe and Shaq having babies 6 minutes apart. It hasn't been discussed openly yet, but I am confident we are witnessing the most intense game of horse ever.


6) Who's the most overrated coach in the L? The most underrated?

Haha, most overrated? Larry Brown. [The missus made be delete my thoughts about Coach]. Short story – Brown can go fuck himself.

Underrated? I’d lean towards Skiles, but he’s doing well without me and none of us will ever forgive him for the assist fix. I’ll say JVG. People always forget.


7) Finals prediction? And which movie will rule the box office this summer?

Finals? I’m thinking anywhere from 4 to 7 games, with the championship winner taking four of them.

Cine – I’m interested in how the Da Vinci Code is going to pan out given that every one who can read already knows how it plays out. Unless the Catholic Church paid off the producer and it culminates in Jesus coming back and messing everyone up… Now that’s a movie I’d pay see. “Oh my god, it’s Jesus!”.

Superman Returns looks like it might be okay, although I am more of a Marvel man that a DCkhead. X-men looks like the kicker – I mean, come on. Phoenix? The trailer makes me feel like a charter member of Lambda Lambda Lambda.

And as for Flight 93 – Unless they show that USAF shooting that sucker down, forget it. Oh wait, never forget…


[Epilogue – I offer no explanation for William Simmons patent plagiarism of all ideas expressed within]