The White Album (Grizzlies vs. Mavs/Lakers vs. Suns)

Free at last, free at last! Thank Jack London almighty, I am free at last!

Yesterday I finally got wise and ponied up a measly 3 euros/month for the opportunity to watch every NBA playoff game on Stream TV Now (an early birthday gift from me to me, if you will), and I honestly feel like a free man recently parolled from basketball broadcast Sing Sing. No more crummy Korean announcers; no more shitty commercials (well, fewer shitty commercials); no longer am I a slave to the scheduling whims of Super Action and MBC/ESPN. I can now watch any and every game I want. And best of all, I get to see the TNT Halftime Report with Ernie, Kenny and Charles (and Magic, which I suppose is sort of like scoring a date with a supermodel and having to take your annoying kid brother along).

I feel emancipated. Obviously, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Just don't tell my wife and daughter I said that.

This morning, after seeing my wife off and taking the little girl to her bus, I ran upstairs, turned on the Mavs/Grizzlies game, prepared a hasty breakfast, and sat down to experience basketball bliss. Oh, and I did some work, too. Yeah.

You know the drill by now. Below is a running diary of (most of) both games, plus a smattering of random thoughts. Let's do this like Brutus:

Premature ejaculations:

Before we begin, I should point out that I'm a motherfucking psychic. Remember how in my review of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs' Show Your Bones I bemoaned that the runtime on the album is a mere 39 minutes, and suggested that, after such a long hiatus, their fans deserved a double album? Well, I learned early last week -- it's true, I live under a rock; make fun of me all you want. I don't care; I can still finish Contra without the UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, B, A, B, A, START cheat -- that the Red Hot Chili Peppers will on May 9th (which also happens to be my birthday) release Stadium Arcadium, their long-awaited follow-up to 2002's By The Way (which also happens to be the name of a convenience store). And it's a double album. Boss. So last night I went over to You Tube and checked out the video for the (double) album's first single, Dani California. Boss squared. Great, great song, and a terrific video as well. I generally eschew music videos, but this one was awesome. Here's hoping the (double) CD is as excellent as their past stuff...Do you really wanna know the secret to Avery Johnson's success? Tony Robbins. Yes, that Tony Robbins. You see, back when AJ was a player for the Spurs in the David Robinson/pre-Tim Duncan days, the Spurs hired T-Rob, he of the huge teeth, as a motivational speaker for the players. It's true: I saw it in a Tony Robbins infomercial. So, because T-Rob made such a positive impression on Avery back in his playing days (nevermind that the Spurs didn't win a championship until after they drafted the golden fucking goose, aka Timmy D), he hired him as a personal consultant. Of course I have no actual proof that this is true, but I'm willing to bet my life savings it is. Because I'm such a goddam psychic and all (tricky thing about trying to write like Holden Caulfield is that you actually begin to write that way all the time; I'm man enough to admit this)...Regarding the Cavs game from yesterday, the press hella jumped on Lebron's case for passing the ball to Sideshow Mel (see how I flipped it, all marble cake like?) instead of taking the tre, but I saw that game (being a gangster is so neat), and at the time I noticed the same thing, namely that Mel looked open as hell (Superman's real name is Kal-El/I style my hair with styling gel). In retrospect maybe it was a bad call on his part, but if Mel had HELD ONTO THE DAMN BALL! and the Cavs ended up winning the game, all y'all vultures'd be calling the kid the GZA. I don't think I've seen a group of people turn on someone this quickly since Paul Orndorff went all 50 Cent to Hulk Hogan's Game...As for the Kings/Spurs game, which I also watched (although I missed overtime because I had pressing matters to attend to; it's hard out here for a pimp), Mike Biddy absolutely killed his own guys. How do you go 1-for-13 the day that your album comes out? Bread Miller wasn't too hot, either. And they still would've tied the series were it not for Big Shot Brent and the Fish That Saved San Antonio. See, when I was writing my introduction to the playoffs last week, that was the kind of special moment I was referring to...T-dot mentioned that Ron Artest deserved to be in the mix for MVP, and after thinking about it a couple of minutes while on the can, I think he's right. The King's were lottery bound before Ron Popeil arrived; afterwards they went 27 and 13. That's quite the turnaround. Here's hoping he stays out of trouble next season so that his efforts don't go unrewarded. And here's hoping my wife grants me an Andre Kirilenko-style freebie. Both have the same likelihood of happening...Also, the Nets tied their series with the Pacers. It's nice to see Peja returning to form and doing in the playoffs what he did during the regular season: faking hurt. No way he signs with them this summer...If California (4), New York (2, soon) and Texas (2) can have multiple NBA franchises, how about Ontario? Wouldn't Ottawa be a perfect NBA city? No? Hamilton, then? I see you shaking your head. OK, can Thunder Bay at least get a D-Leage team? They could be called the Thunder Bay Thunder. That would be so awesome...I just saw last night that The Godfather has overtaken The Shawshank Redemption as the number one film on the Internet Movie Database's Top 250. The Godfather/Shawshank rivalry ranks up there with the greats: Ali/Frazier, Magic/Bird, and mayonnaise/Miracle Whip...Speaking of movies, seeing as how I'm going to be watching basketball every single day for the foreseeable future, that Seven Samurai Spring Cleaning might be a long rhyme coming. And we were so close! Alas...Is What's Goin' On? the best song ever made or what?...I should have mentioned this a while ago, but forgot: I never won 50,000 dollars as a high school student. I'm all James Frey and shit. That anecdote was simply part of my elaborate scheme to trick people into believing my April Fool's joke that my wife and I had had our second child. Machiavellian, n'est-ce pas?...Another thing I forgot to mention a few weeks ago while writing the Spring Cleaning review of Once Upon a Time in America: on the DVD (purchased in Korea), the breasts of the woman who is lying in the hearse and pretending to be dead are censored. I don't get it; you can show tits, but not the tits of a dead woman? Plus she wasn't really dead anyway. And don't even mention censoring animals' genitals and excrement on TV. That really gets me vexed. I will never understand this country...Am I the only one who considers Endangered Species superior to Life After Death, as far as posthumously-released albums from obese rappers go? And why couldn't the reaper have spared Pun and taken Fat Joe instead (oooh! Think I didn't when I did?)...Whatcha gonna do when Ron comes/knockin' at your front door/and he wants war?/oh, shit/he ain't a basketball player, he'll kill you. Sorry, got a little carried away there...Now that I'm able to watch EVERY SINGLE playoff game, I've calmed down and have reevaluated my comparison from earlier in the week. Pros of living in Canada: free healthcare. Cons: everything else...Before the game starts, we get a brief look at the Bucks/Pistons game, which is being called by some guy named Ian Eagle. And 'Ian' isn't pronounced like my name, rather like Beverly Hills 90210's Ziering. C'mon, Ian Eagle, just admit you changed the pronunciation of your name because it makes you sound like a movie starring Louis Gossett Jr. (no, not Enemy Mine)...TMH passed along this, which he summed up perfectly, saying "Yeah, I like how one good game erases the entire season of ineptitude"...

Game 1: The Dallas Mavericks vs. A Bunch of Fucking School Girls (and not in the good way)

Because I had to take the little girl to her bus and prepare breakfast, we're already 6 and a half minutes into the first quarter, the score Dallas 18, Memphis 15...Reggie Miller points out that, in a 7-game series, game 2 is "so important". That's why they pay him the big bucks, ladies and gentlemen...If loving Lorenzen is Wright, I don't wanna be wrong...Kenyon Martin, the ticker reads, has been suspended by the Nuggets for conduct detrimental to the team. Congratulations, Kenyon, you've just won the Kwame Brown award for Most Retarded Move By a Player Whose Team is in the Playoffs, colloquially known as the MRMBPWTP (not to be confused with the name of a Nigerian player)...Bobby Jackson can't buy a layup. BJ looks as though he's had the life sucked out of him (I won't even pretend that was funny)...You know, as refreshing as it first sounded, I'm starting to get a little tired of hearing Remember The Name...Promo: Catch the NBA playoffs, only on TNT! Well, except for when they're on NBA TV, ESPN, or ABC, I suppose...32-31 in favor of Dallas, after 1...I could swear Reggie just said "Aaron" Dampier. Yesterday, he couldn't stop calling 'Reef "Shareef Abdul Raheem". You gotta love Reggie Miller. Unless you hate his guts, that is...Man, the L and the media really want the Lakers to make a series of it, don't they?...That Dwyane Wade Converse commercial is awesome...This morning's other big matchup: my breakfast. Corn Flakes vs. hot dogs! Milk vs. mustard!...Dirk is a great player and all, but he looks like such a twat...Jerry Stackhouse gets T'd up. Dick Stockton: "Bennet Salvatore isn't taking any guff tonight." You can bet your sweet bippy...I know I write under the pseudonym "Sparkles," but I firmly believe no grown man should be called "Chucky"...There's 5:48 remaining in the 2nd and Dallas is already in the penalty. Memphis needs to exploit this like a Sri Lankan child...Mike Miller has missed consecutive 3-point attempts terribly...Then the Griz are called for a lane violation (while they're at the stripe) and commit a poor turnover. They are absolutely killing themselves (to live)...early reports are that Steve Nash will be named league MVP. Meh. As much as I hate the guy, I think Kobe is far more deserving than Nash. Dirk, too. And Lebron...After a non-call, Pau Gasol looks as though he's going to cry, Adam Morrison style. Pull yourself together there, El Beardo...Human cloning is indeed possible. Just take a look at DJ Mbenga, who is the spitting image of Popeye Jones, only darker skinned. Similarly, I am the spitting image of Jared Leto (after he gets the shit kicked out of him in Fight Club)...At the half it's Dallas 56, Memphis 43. The Grizzlies failed to score a single point in the 2nd quarter's final seven minutes. Everyone, take a good look. That's what it looks like when a team rolls over and dies in front of you...Shawn Marion, who is being interviewed in the Suns' locker room, looks as though he's permanently stoned out of his mind (aka the Tracy McGrady grill)...Sir Charles jokes that Avery Johnson's COY trophy is life size. Ha!...Jesus, this game is getting uglier and Sandra Bernhard. Dallas is up by 18...The Mavs can't make a basket. Neither can the Griz. This is excruciating to watch...If I didn't watch an episode of English Cafe, this easily would have been the most awful thing I've seen all week. As it is, it's pretty close...76-56 Dallas, after 3...Dick Stockton is bustin' tennis analogies like Miami's bustin' speakers...Let's get this massacre over with ASAP...Final score: Dallas 94, Girly Men 79...Player of the Game: the big German twat...

Game 2: Illuminati want my mind, soul and my body

Let's go to Phoenix. Man, glad that's over with...Wait a sec, Doug Collins is calling this game? Maybe I'll watch it on Super Action after all...File this under weird: last night I dreamt that referee Joey Crawford announced during a live press conference that he is gay...Kobe misses his first shot...Nice pass from Kobe to Kwame (with love) for a dunk...Predictably, no. 8 is getting booed...That's what I like to see! Nash and Kobe are jawing one another. Apparently Kobe took issue with Stevie slapping away Sasha Vujacic's arm. I wonder, if Nash were to get into an on-court fight, would he put the no doubt many hours he spent as a kid watching hockey to good use and pull his opponent's jersey over their head?...Nash is hot early, like an Egg McMuffin...Kwame misses a very makeable layup. Big surprise there...Kobe is hot early, like a Sausage McMuffin...This crowd is pumped, like Mark McGwire on Andro...Nash has 15 points of his team's total 20...It's nice to see the refs being their old, reliab(ly blind)le selves...Immature of me, I know, but I always laugh out loud whenever I hear a player described as being "a great ball handler"...It's a shame Kwame Brown was born with rocks for hands. Unless he ever considers taking up boxing, that is...After 1 it's the Lakers 24, the Suns 22...Sasha Vujacic looks as though he should be studying for the finals. Middle school finals!...Where's Nash? He's been on the bench too long. Ditto for Marion...OK, Kid Canada is back. Kevin Harlan mentions that Nash is the greatest Canadian basketball player since Leo Rautins (did you know he played for Syracuse?). First of all, I think you're being a little generous to Rautins, Kevin. And second, you totally dissed Todd MacCulloch...The Suns are down by 9. You know, I scoffed (no, not literally) when Mark Stein wrote that the Lakers were content with their game 1 loss because they executed their game plan effectively, but he may have been right. Kobe's playing better tonight, and the Lakers appear to have the Suns right where they want them. That said, I still think Phoenix takes the series in 5...Phoenix is down by 13. They haven't made a basket in over 5 minutes...OK, now the Suns are making a run (Attila the Hun/Wendy's has green buns)...Raja Bell is feeling it from downtown...The Lakers have more turnovers (11) than Kobe Bryant has points (10)...And, amazingly, they're up by 15...Brian Grant is called for a flagrant foul. This is getting uglier than the Mavs game, if that's possible...OK, I've officially grown sick of hearing Remember The Name. It's starting to remind me of the songs you hear on games like Madden or NBA Live -- songs that are mediocre or pretty good, but that you hear so often you start to hate them with every fibre of your being...My wife, home for lunch, is eating my ramen. Three weeks ago, while we were at E-Mart, she asked me to grab a 5-pack of Jin ramen. I don't eat a lot of the stuff myself, but decided to pick up a 5-pack of Samyang ramen of my own. I just now looked and discovered that 3 of my Samyang ramen packs are gone, while her 5-pack of Jin remains unopened. Some guys marry their mothers; I, I just realized, married my brother...The Lakers are up 53-38 at the half. That's not a typo; the Suns only managed to score 38 points in the first 2 quarters...Nash by the way has only 2 assists, but I suppose that's to be expected when your teammates, for the most part, are crapping the bed...Phoenix, after an 11-4 run, has cut the Laker lead to 10, and the crowd is back in it...Kevin Harlan mentions that next year Kobe will change his jersey number from 8 to 24. WTF?...Now the Suns are only down 6...An airball from number-soon-to-be 24...Tim Thomas for 3...Yes!...Luke Walton with a circus shot. No, that's not a typo, either...TNT runs an AT&T ad for Seehowtheylive.com, which apparently allows you to see inside the homes of certain NBA stars. Nut punch not included. On the scale of bad ideas, that has to rank pretty high. I can't lie, though, I went and checked the site out for research purposes. I'm going to beat Bill Simmons to the punch here by stating that the Unitentional Comedy factor is through the roof. I wonder, what's the over/under on the number of Scarface posters?...If Doug Collins name drops Michael Jordan one more time, I'm going to commit suicide by paper cuts and vinnegar...According to Collins, 7 points equals a 2-possession game. Yeah, technically, but c'mon...with just under 3 minutes, the Suns are down by 5. Unfortunately, I gotta jet. I bet Phoenix loses anyways. This is a mirror image of yesterday; I had to leave before overtime of the Spurs/Kings game, but I knew -- absolutely knew -- there was no way the Kings would win that game after the dagger that was Brent Barry's fluke 3-pointer. Same applies here; no way the Suns come into game 3 up two zip. Not gonna happen...and whattya know, I was right...


Overtime:

In total, I watched nearly 5 hours of shitty basketball, minus the time I spent surfing the Internet for porn and bomb recipes. Was the Mavs/Grizzlies game the worst of the playoffs so far this year? Arguably. Was the whole thing a waste of time? Maybe. Could I have spent my time more wisely? Probably. Did I have a good time? Definitely. Are these rhetorical questions growing tiresome? Indubitably.

Tomorrow has the Heat and Bulls squaring off, followed by the Nuggets and Clippers. And lucky for me, tomorrow I have, to quote Henry Bemis, all the time I need.

Note: Pat yourself on the back like Barry Horowitz if you managed to plough through that all. Like reading The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy,Gentleman from cover to cover, I'm sure few did.