The Pandora Experiment: Part III

In this, our final stage of the experiment, I'll see whether Pandora can surprise me by playing a decent song from a genre of music which I have absolutely no interest in, adult contemporary. As such, I put off completing the experiment until now, because I feel one really needs to listen to adult contemporary on a Sunday morning if one is to have any chance of judging it objectively. Instead of picking a group or song which I like, what I have decided to do is pick a specific song that I absolutely cannot bear, with the vain hope that Pandora will ironically play something decent. Perhaps this will fortuitously turn out not unlike George Costanza's resolve to do the exact opposite of his every impulse.

Selected station: I wanted to pick Billy Ocean's Get Out of My Dreams (and Into My Car), strictly for the kitsch factor, but that wouldn't exactly be "contemporary," would it? Instead, because I'm a masochist of the highest order, I've selected James Blunt's You're Beautiful. Please join me as I don my tan corduroy jacket, pour a cup of Folger's coffee, and dig into a big stack of banana pancakes.

1) I Love U But I Don't Trust U Anymore, Prince. This is from the Prince era where he was recording under that stupid symbol and rocking a thin moustache and beard similar to Dave Navarro's. And doing a lot of coke, apparently, because this song is horrendous.

2) Parasol, Geoff Byrd. What can I say about this one? The clincher here is the pseudo-symphonic strings that come in during the second verse. Formulaic. If this song were chewing gum, it'd be Thrills.

3) Plane, Jason Mraz. At least this dude doesn't sound as much of a eunich as the past two singers. How novel, the plane is a metaphor for his relationship! Groundbreaking! I'm resisting the urge to make a tasteless hijacking joke.

4) Superman (It's Not Easy), Five For Fighting. How novel, using Superman as a metaphor for...something (being a pussy, I think). Groundbreaking! I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plaeeen! Ugh. What's the over/under on kryptonite being mentioned here? Bingo!

By the way, we need TMH to put up on American Werewolf In Seoul a list of the top 5 songs with "Superman" in the title -- the challenge being whether or not there actually are 5 good songs that employ the man of steel's name.

5) Sunday Morning Coming Down, R. Dean Taylor. R. Dean, you had me at the beer I had for breakfast wasn't bad, so I had one more for dessert. That's what I like to hear; a little humor goes a long way. This actually works as a great song to listen to while hungover (not that I am or anything). It's a cover, isn't it? Wasn't the original sung by Kris Kristofferson or Johnny Cash?

6) Everything I Know About The Blues, Delbert McClinton. We're straying into country territory. Not my cup of tea, but -- save maybe men wearing leather jackets with shoulder tassles -- I won't knock it. This dilweed McClinton has one annoying voice, though. I can't help but think that this is also a cover song. It has that "country standard" feel to it. But what the hell do I know.

7) Sad Eyes, Josh Rouse. I think Mr. Rouse honed his songwriting skills after sending away for a how-to manual from the back of a comic book. A shame, because he has a great voice. With great power comes great responsibility, Josh Rouse. Stop making such wet dog music and rock out like you were born to. This actually picks up near the end. What can I say, I've been a sucker for singing in rounds ever since Row, Row, Row Your Boat in the first grade.

8) I Want To Hold Your Hand, Petula Clark. This doesn't even work in an ironic sense. If this song were a board game, it'd totally be Mouse Trap. Because it doesn't work and only serves to frustrate, in case my analogies are too Mulholland Drive for you.

9) History, The Verve. You mean The Verve have other songs besides Bitter Sweet Symphony?

10) Easy Lover, Spain. Nothing against the Spanish, but this song sucks. And the guitars are heinously (and to lackluster effect) ripped from Karma Police.

11) Dance With My Father, Celine Dion. Va te faire foutre, Celine.

12) Call Off The Search, Katie Melua. Call off the search, indeed. Let's leave this one a cold case.

Scoring: Pandora played 0 songs I really liked, 1 1/2 songs I sorta dug, and 10 1/2 songs I either disliked or hated. But at least it didn't play You're Beautiful.

Grade: F

Final Analysis: I'm going to go play some fucking basketball.