OK Computer, Track 5 (Heat vs. Pistons)

I have never been more ready in my entire life to do this right now.
Never. It's all been leading up to this moment.
All right now, right here.
My whole life, right here....

-- Beastie Boys, Alive


Well, not exactly my whole life, but at least my whole week. Winning this game means a lot to Miami, who are 1-7 against the league's other top 4 teams. They need to prove that game in February wasn't a fluke, that they can hang with Detroit's starting five. Can they do it? Let's dispense with the trivialities and see:

I bet Pat Riley is looking forward to this game as much as I'm looking forward to writing a Spring Cleaning review of Gangs of New York. Can it really be considered as spring cleaning if I don't finish until next winter? We might see Things That Smell Like Cum pt. II before I get around to watching those last 5 flicks...I believe the world is made up of 2 kinds of people: those who don't like Shaq, and those who are going to heaven when they die...OK, no way I'm missing the start of this one. I turn on the TV at 9:58...If this blog were included on www.jumptheshark.com, I'm pretty sure most of the comments would read as follows: "he's funny, sometimes, and that little kid of his is cute (must get it from the mother) but what the fuck is up with all the basketball crap? I stopped reading a long time ago. Somebody wake me when he stops writing about Lebron Jordan and Dwayne Wayne, or whatever their names are."...I think I once saw Richard Hamilton and Tayshaun Prince with Sally Struthers in an infomercial for the Christian Children's Fund...Tip-off time: 10:06...Good to see Shaq back after missing their last game with a sore thumb. He makes his first shot...Since we're going to have to endure the tights era, at least for the forseeable future, can't ESPN, ABC or whoever get the players to wear tights that are sort of like the bluescreens used in Hollywood? Wouldn't it be cool to look at Jason Williams and see the solar system on his legs, or look at Wade and see his legs on fire? Wouldn't it?...Williams drives to the hoop for a layup. Boy, he can motor when he wants to. Or maybe it just looks that way because the Detroit players don't want to guard him too close, for fear of getting cooties...Udonis Haslem takes and misses a jumper, completely ignoring a wide-open Shaq under the basket (골밑!)...He doesn't make the same mistake twice...Tayshaun looks kinda like that exhumed Russian corpse from Hellboy...The Pistons are settling for a lot of perimeter jumpers...Our first timeout. Miami looks to be in control early on...That goddamn commercial is on again! No joke, they show it during EVERY commercial break. It's gotten so bad that I find my self singing the words alone to myself. 미녀는 석류를 좋아해, 자꾸자꾸 예뻐지면 나는 어떡해, 거울속의 나를보면 정말 행복해, 미녀는 석류를. Somebody please shoot me. By the way, I was at E-Mart on Tuesday and they were almost completely sold out of the stuff. The lesson? People are sheep...Udonis Haslem sorta reminds me of a young Charles Oakley, right down to his jumper...I just read today that there's an 80/20 chance that Amare Stoudamire could return for the Suns' game on Friday. To quote Han Solo: I have a bad feeling about this...I could swear I just saw DJ Muggs (of Cypress Hill) in the crowd. After seeing Don Nelson at the Oscars and dismissing it as a possible hallucination, I'm going with my gut on this...'Toine just hit a 3-pointer. Um, way to go, Antoine. Have you lost some weight recently?...Shaq just picked up his 2nd foul, after which the camera turns to Riles, who yells "fucking bullshit!"...Nice looseball tip from Wade to an open 'Zo for the dunk...Mourning with a block that was clearly goaltending...At the end of 1, it's the Heat 21, the Pistons 19. Before the commercial, ESPN replays Riley's "fucking bullshit!" shot. Ah, the NBA: fun for the whole family. I can't imagine Emperor Stern would be pleased if he saw that...I think the Pistons could add Stephen Hawking and Gary Coleman and it would improve their bench dramatically...Ben Wallace has post moves like I have 3 testicles...'Toine with a floater. Um. Antoine, is that a new cologne you're wearing? You smell nice...Mourning is down! Mourning is down. Shit! Kudos to the D fans for clapping as he walked toward the locker room...You know what this means, right? Potential for more Michael Doleac. Yay!...Haslem's playing well...'Toine with another tre. Um, Antoine, you have kind eyes...The Heat are up by 12...Just out of curiosity, does one wear those tights over or under one's socks? Or do they cover the toes? This is need-to-know stuff...Is Miami's assistant coach in the Nation of Islam or something? Who wears bowties in this day and age? Besides douchebags such as Tucker Carlson, I mean...The report from the locker room is that 'Zo will not return. The report from my stomach is that the hot dogs and broccoli & cheese soup I ate for breakfast will...Wade has only 3 points so far. It's nice to see his teammates stepping up for him...Wade misses an open layup. Ugh...At halftime, it's Miami 43, Pistons 35...The Pistons can't buy a basket. Something tells me that won't be the case for the rest of the game...If a player shoots an airball which is caught by a defender, is it recorded as a steal?...Awesome alley-oop from Jason Williams to Shaq...I think Ben and Rasheed Wallace could team up to form the greatest wrestling tag-team ever. They could have a handicap match against Ron Artest and his multiple personalities...Shaq is playing like it's 2001. I guess that answers the question about whether or not he can turn it up when he needs to...The Pistons have narrowed a 12-point deficit to 3...Wade actually hit a 3-pointer. I think that means his 3-point shooting percentage goes from negative 5% to negative 4.9...Shaq and Ben Wallace are currently perfect from the free throw line. Cue the Twilight Zone theme...After watching that Park Ji-Seong commercial for the billionth time, I am officially declaring war on the annoying 'Dae Han Min-Guk!' chant. It's gotten so bad that I was watching a Korean high school basketball game between Yongsan and Jeonju high schools, and the crowd was shouting it intermittently during the match. Does that make sense in a game where both teams are from the same country?...Like Mumra, the Palace crowd has officially awoken from their ancient slumber...It's a tie game with 1:55 left in the 3rd quarter...Nice J from Wade to retake the lead...Rip Hamilton hits a tre to give Detroit their first lead of the game...As Gorilla Monsoon used to say, time to batten down the hatches. We could be in for a big 4th quarter...after 3, it's Detroit 60, Miami 59...Very quiet game for Dwyane Wade...'Toine with ANOTHER 3. Um, Antoine, you have a nice smile...When he was a kid, did 'Sheed see Pennywise the Clown, and is that why he has that patch of white hair?...Antoine tries for another 3. Airball. Your breath smells bad, Antoine...Wait, the Pistons have cheerleaders!?...A 4-point lead for the Pistons, their biggest of the game...Shaq has been saving Wade's ass all game...Pistons by 6 with 4:49 to play. I think I'm going to throw up. Again...ANOTHER lane violation. This is ridiculous...Telling stat: the Heat have 16 turnovers, and that's more than Dwyane Wade has in points thus far...You can't see it, but I'm making a "Steve Francis sitting on the Knicks' bench" face right now...'Toine with another airball. Antoine, you dropped out of college, you only took one vegetarian cooking class -- it's a joke (props if you get that reference)...Hey! What do you know? The refs finally called a foul against Dwyane Wade...Antoine hits a 3. Too late, Chucker Norris...Final score: Pistons 82, Heat 73...Guess I was wrong about it being a big 4th quarter. I need to take a shower; I feel dirty...Player of the Game: Chauncey Billups...Fuck.