Baby, don't you know, my Heat will move your soul?

I said you wanna be startin' somethin'
You got to be startin' somethin'

-- Michael Jackson

What's the time? - it's time to get ill

-- Beastie Boys


I need to move to a better clime, someplace where it's warm all year round. Anywhere where white people aren't getting their heads chopped off will do. And here's the reason: waiting for winter to end sucks, because I can't play basketball. Maybe there are a few indoor courts around, but you probably need some kind of membership to play there, and, considering that I only have time to play once -- twice, if I'm lucky -- a week, shelling out for a membership at a club that has an indoor court isn't financially sound. Plus I bet there'd be a bunch of little kids there. And I hate every kid whom I haven't fathered.

So, if I want to play basketball, I have to wait until Old Man Winter finally goes into hiding. Let the record show that, this year, that day was Sunday, March 19.

The wife and girl went to visit the in-laws in Daejeon on Saturday, so I had the day to myself. After work, I stopped by Samsung Plaza, did some eye shopping, and picked up the new Harry Potter dvd. I got home and put it on, but for some reason I couldn't keep my attention on the movie and ended up watching a few episodes of The Twilight Zone instead. Then I took a shower and got drunk while listening to music. That's what I do when I have the day to myself, I've learned.

I knew the weather on Sunday was supposed to be nice, and the thought of b-ball had crossed my mind, but I put the idea to bed the moment I stepped off the bus at Seohyeon station on Saturday afternoon. The wind was blowing harder than Dizzy Gillespie on PCP, and I figured Sunday would probably be the same.

So, as I said, I got drunk. Not "passed out in the bathroom with my head on the toilet bowl" drunk, but pretty close. I woke up at 9 o' clock on Sunday morning with a headache the size of the national debt, and all signs pointed to me spending the rest of the day nursing a hangover. But then a funny thing happened. One might even say a miracle. I got up, took a leak, drank about a litre of water, and went back to bed. I didn't think I'd be able to fall asleep again, but I did. When I woke up an hour later, my headache was completely gone. I cooked two "pork cutlets" (I don't know what the hell those things were made of, but I'm 95% sure it wasn't meat -- at least not the kind that comes from animals), drank some Pepsi, and surfed the 'Net for 20 minutes.

Hey, I feel pretty good right now, I thought to myself. And the sun is shining. And it doesn't appear as though there's much wind. Fuckin' A.

I took a quick shower, threw on my ball attire, and took the bus down to Samsung Plaza (the best courts in Bundang -- maybe all of Korea -- are close to Seohyeon station, next to the Tancheon river).

I shot around for 45 minutes or so (not too rusty, either) before, finally, someone else showed up. I really expected a lot more people would be there on a Sunday. But then I remembered that Korea was playing Japan in what Gary Sheffield refers to as that "made-up" event, the World Baseball Classic.

Anyway, this guy, an engineering student at some university in Seoul, the name of which I no longer remember, asked me if I would like to play a little 1-on-1. Actually, what he said was "man to man," but I got the jist. And, no, he didn't try to touch my penis, nor I his.

We played 3 games to 7. I lost the first two (7-6 and 7-2, respectively) before regaining some semblence of self-respect with a 7-4 win in the third game. He then left to watch the Korean team get their butts handed to them by Japan (I was rooting for Korea, but I'm always a relieved when they're ousted from big sporting events, because it means I don't have to listen to all the nationalistic fervor/propaganda that goes along with Korean teams and athletes doing well), and I stuck around for another 30 minutes or so, practicing free throws and jump shots.

I was pretty exhausted by the time I got home, and even managed to get a slight sunburn. But with my pale complexion, the flame of a lit match could probably burn my skin from 3 meters away.

All in all, a good Sunday. Definitely the best this year. I'm no atheist (not even an agnostic, really), but I firmly believe that you don't make up for your sins in church. You do it on the court. You do it at home. The rest is bullshit and you know it.. I hope Jesus and his sidekick Orko (and Martin Scorsese) can forgive me if that is possible heresy.

***

If you're still here after that long-winded tale of How I Spent My Sunday, I have some further basketball-related news for you: my prayers have finally been answered. Super Action finally showed a Miami Heat game (vs. the New York Knicks) today. I was fortunate enough to catch it, and scribbled down my thoughts.

(By the way, Super Action will broadcast the Heat/Pistons game on Thursday, too. Let the good times roll! Unless they lose on Thursday, that is, in which case I'll stop shaving, and changing my clothes.)

Ah, horseshit! The game was supposed to start at 9:30, but we all know that NBA games don't tip off until 10 minutes (at least) after their scheduled start time. So what do I see when I turn on the TV at 9:40? We're already 2 minutes into the game. I didn't even get to hear the NY fans cheer louder for Shaq and Wade than they did for any of their own guys...For some reason, ESPN shows a graphic with the final score of the historic 1966 NCAA game between Texas Western and Kentucky (that TW team was the first in college basketball with an all-black starting lineup, and the subject of the recently-released film Glory Road). This causes one of the Korean announcers to say awkwardly "um, Texas Western have defeated Kentucky," before his colleague jumps in and sheds some light. Way to help your colleague save face, Announcer No. 2...Jalen Rose hits a J, and Poison's Every Rose Has Its Thorn plays. I'm not even kidding. That right there just shattered the Gay Scale...Man, Shaq's looking good: 4 of 4 to start the game. Too bad he's aging like a meth addict and will have to sit in a few minutes...As we all know, Stephon Marbury is the best point guard in the NBA. Sure, he's tied for 10th in the L with 6.6 assists per game, but it's all about making your teammates better...With all the early talk about how this Heat team doesn't have what it takes to beat Detroit because they haven't been together long enough, might I remind everyone that this is Flip Saunders's first year with the Pistons, and that they have no bench. And that his name is Flip...Malik Rose just dunked on 'Zo like 'Zo was Shawn Bradley or something. Then he throws both arms emphatically, because he's excited or because he thought there should have been a foul, I cannot tell which. He's given a T for his little display of emotion. Funny stuff, though the head camera guy should be fired for not switching to a closeup of Larry Brown's reaction...58.2 seconds remaining in the first quarter, and El Chucko enters the game. You might know him by his alias: Antoine Walker...Is Zo's other kidney ailing or something? Jerome James just dunked on him. By the way, doesn't James look eerily similar to R Kelly? I'm sure there's a pee/kidney joke there somewhere, but I can't figure it out...Jesus, can we stop the madness already and make wearing leotards prohibited in the NBA? Both Dwyane Wade and Jason Williams are rocking them. You know you're living in an unjust world when it's OK to wear attire fit for ballet dancers, but shorts which extend past the knee are outlawed...I know it has nothing to do with the game, but I had to include this quote from Bill Simmons: Programming moment of the season: During the Clips-Suns game on Wednesday night, ESPN showed back-to-back Vince Carter commercials: One for Nike, one for T-Mobile. Sadly, they forgot to run his Massengill ad for the trifecta...Holy shit! Joe Crawford just yelled something fierce at Larry Brown. Strangely, LB didn't get hit with a T. See, that's what more refs need to do: instead of t-ing up a player or coach who gets out of line, they should just yell back at them like Joey Crawford did. Why don't you go fuck yourself, you old bag of bones!? Nobody around here likes you anyway! Who's to stop them? Way to sound off like you've got a pair, Joe...the newly-emasculated Larry Brown shouts "Steph! Steph!" as Marbury runs past. Predictably, Stephon doesn't even bother looking at his coach...Shaq slams down an awesome putback, but it's whistled offensive goaltending. Total bullshit. Violet Palmer is one of the refs this game, by the way. Just saying...You know what? I just realized who Larry Brown reminds me of: Mr. Dewey from Saved by the Bell. It's uncanny...I've always wondered how the sound of the players' sneakers squeaking on the court is picked up on TV. I can understand the swish of a basket, because the nets are miked, but how is it that sneaker squeaks (that's the actual nomenclature; look it up) are so audible? My theory is that it's prerecorded and played like the laugh track on a sitcom. Someone should look into this...Where the hell is Steve Francis? I wish I were paid 30 million to sit around all night watching a basketball game...The score at halftime: Miami 49, New York 46. Don't let that score fool you; the Knicks have as much a chance of winning this game as I do of being named UN secretary general...I like the recent "Wade for MVP" talk going around lately -- because the guy is my favorite player -- but can't fully agree. First, take a look at the Heat's schedule since the All-Star break. And second, he shoots the 3 like old people fuck. Still, I'd pick him if I had a ballot. Which is probably why people like me shouldn't be allowed to vote for league MVP, and why he will ultimately finish, like, 5th or 6th in voting come June...Eddie Curry is fat...'Zo's getting a lot of blocks...Jason Williams took a 3-point shot with no Heat players anywhere near the basket. Just like old(bad) times...You know, with all the Knicks substitutions, I keep thinking they have like 40 guys on their roster. Maybe they do, and Eddie Curry and Jerome James are hiding them under their uniforms...The fans really seem to love Nate Robinson. I wonder, if he were to miss 15 consecutive jumpers before finally hitting one, would they still cheer for him? Probably...Jason Williams just threw to D-Wade one of the sickest alley-oops I've seen in my life...Zo now has 7 blocks...Make that 8. Has a bench player ever made All NBA Defensive First Team before?...Why do the Korean announcers always have to shout 골밑! whenever an offensive player has the ball under the basket? I have eyes, I can fucking see that the guy is under the basket...Random observation: I think I've seen more lane violations this season than I saw in my previous 20 years watching NBA games...Final score: Heat 111, Knicks 100...Player of the Game: Dwyane Wade.

Until Thursday...