Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Being a Gay Man with a Korean Girlfriend



To those that know me, you know not my true name, shape, or form. To those that love me, you love not my heart, or my face. To those that despise me, you despise neither my deeds, nor my dilemma.

Come what may, do not judge that which you fail to comprehend. If you don't like my style, just say as much, and you'll be privy to the greatest of hissy fits before this twilight -princess- bleeds away from thy weary eyelids.

Sooner or later, you'll understand how I feel, alone and misunderstood by all but that special someone.* I've only done what I have because I crave affection. Is that so wrong? Perhaps it is a set of incorrect behaviors, but rectal fortitude has never been my strong point (alongside my inability to avoid wearing silly couples' clothing).


Don't stray too far from Hongdae, lest you be bitten by the manly bug of manliness.


And I still haven't seen Willow.

*_*

[Your guess is as good as mine -- Ed.]


* Our Lord and Savior, Dr. Manhattan.

Willow -- Review


During the last PKast (which you really should check out; it's better than a sackful of malt vinnegar-soaked crumblies), Kmart was quite astounded to learn that I've never seen the Ron Howard (Cocoon, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington) 1988 masterpiece of cinema, Willow. It's true, I haven't. And like Bill Cosby refusing to promote Leonard Part 6, or Kobe Bryant refusing to blame his teammates, I make no excuses for such a heinous transgression.

Today, however, I am redeemed. Not only did I watch Willow, I dug the everloving fuck out of it. I've been known to toss around hyperbolic accolades like fowl innards at an anti-Japanese protest in downtown Seoul, but hear me out: Willow is to cinema what Raquel Welch is to jerking off*. I'm just glad I watched it before I die of rectal cancer in August.

I know you have all seen the film**, but please indulge an old man and read my following review of cinematic fellatio. Receiving, not giving.

---

One sunny summer morning, little person Willow Ufgood (played to perfection -- and with the help of some special effects wizardry -- by the underrated Muggsy Bogues) steps outside his ramshackle hut to find a baby at his doorstep. But this is no ordinary baby. Far from it. His kingdom under seige by the evil witch Nornica, King Prebonius hid his firstborn from the clutches of the witch, who seeks to extract a magical peacock feather embedded in the infant's skull -- a peacock feather that will give its bearer the power to rule over the mythical land and get 25% discounts at Eddie Bauer stores.

Willow Ufgood, unaware of the baby's plight, takes the little bugger to a market. Willow, you see, has to get some clothes and food for the child, and some lambskin condoms and Tahiti Treat for himself. That's when danger strikes. Nornica's minions descend upon the market like batteries thrown by heathen Philadelphia sports fans, and Willow Ufgood has to think quickly.

What the diminutive Willow (Ufgood) lacks in size, he more than makes up for in cleverness. Just as it appears that all hope is lost, Willow*** hides the baby under a peach basket and heads for home. After a night of steamy sex with the missus (surprising for a kids' film, but greatly welcomed), Boston Legal, and cherry tomatoes, Willow heads back to the market to reclaim the child.

Ignorant as to the whereabouts of the baby's home, a singing butterfly wearing aerial goggles makes an appearance and informs "Sir Ufgood" that the swaddling child is none other than King Prebonius's son. Then he sings cryptic, anachronistic songs. Nonplussed like a motherfuck, Willow (Ufgood, not that redhead from Buffy) heads to Prebonius's castle to figure out what in pluperfect hell is going on.

Upon meeting the king, this classic scene takes place (I'm sure you all know it well and quote it daily):

King: Why the hell did you bring him back here? Don't you know that if my kingdom falls and Nornica extracts the peacock feather from my son's head that all hell will break loose and stocks in Eddie Bauer will drastically plummet?

Willow: Hey, boss, don't shoot the messenger. I found this baby on my doorstep, some fucked-up butterfly told me he's yours, and I'm just doing my job as a tax-paying citizen, so lay off.

King: But you were to return the baby after Nornica is defeated.

Willow: I missed that memo, Comanche. Do I look like I have ESP?

King [fidgeting]: Well, thanks anyway. I'm sure it isn't easy for a midget to get a glass of water from the sink, much less carry a baby 800 kilometers.

Willow: Midget? That's "little person," asshole!

Just then, Nornica and her army of fell beasts -- including orcs, goblins, Korean policemen, and Tom Selleck without a mustache -- envelope Castle Prebonius like a goalie on a hockey puck. It appears all is lost, but at a crucial point in the epic battle that ensues, just as the bitchqueen Nornica is about to fistfuck Prebonius's kid's head, a funny thing happens. Willow Ufgood is, Rudy style, called in for the final play; and to again use a football analogy, he sacks that cow hard and causes a fumble. King Prebonius catches the kid in midair, Nornica falls into a conveniently placed pit of lava, and Willow smokes a square.

The end.

---

Yeah, the Lord of the Rings films were good and everything, but what they lacked was a story to jibe with all the computer-animated hocus-pocus. I know that I won't live forever (Do you really want to live forever? Forever young?), but time will surely tell that -- fuck what you heard -- the bar was raised in 1988.


PS - I'm a horse.




* Does that date me?

** and I don't use that word lightly

*** Ufgood

Monday, July 28, 2008

Text

You need to know this RIGHT NOW: I'm wearing a pair of Nautica boxer-briefs, a green T-shirt, a Coke, and a smile.

Other news:

I...hold on; lemme turn off Portishead so I can stop frowning and imagining sticking a fork in my toaster...Okay, there!...I love you all: atheist, Christian, Hindu, kobe bryant supporter, and Browncoat*. And, yeah, mebbe I've bin readin too much internet, but this madness has to end. It has to. Is it just that Dawkins's The God Delusion has finally reached the geek population? Is that why I have to wade through such assholic opening paragraphs as: "Thank the rational and non-supernatural forces which created the universe that Comic Con 2008 is over?" Agenda alert in Hall H! To be fair, CHUD writer Devin Faraci is, most of the time, on point**, but his crusade against people he perceives as fanboys, and his sporadic diatribes against organized religion are making him the Bill O'Reilly of Internet film journalists. And ironic. Save your atheist Jihad for message boards populated by 13-year-old girls and not for a pretty nifty site, please? Pretty?...The Darjeeling Limited was pretty nifty. I could have sworn that train stewardess was Rosario Dawson. I think I need eyeglasses...Can we, the p(k)eople, name the new NBA OKLA City team The Oklahoma City Names TBA? Please? (I say please a lot.) Or The Oklahoma City Fuck Clay Bennetts?...Somewhere -- possibly on Mars -- TMH is grinning (and drinking a cold can of Miller Genuine Draft...


* Although my religion forbids me from capitalizing "atheism." And "kobe bryant." Them's the breaks.

** when it's time to rock a funky joint

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Invasion


"All right, so we're clear on the play, yes?" Big Boy asked. "No one's having any second thoughts, I trust. Good. That motherfucker has it coming. He's had it coming for a long time. And tonight we execute."

"Um, Sarge," Dizzy interjected, "maybe tonight's not the best time to do this. Billy and Herc were killed yesterday. That asshole is going to be vigilant. Whatever happened to the element of suprise?"

The others -- Floyd and Rusty -- hung about beneath the streetlight, afraid to speak up; but it was clear that they shared Dizzy's apprehension. This mission was suicide.

Big Boy knew how they felt. Hell, he felt the same way. But, as Dizzy had correctly stated, Billy and Herc were brutally massacred the day prior, and, not two days before that, Pip, Ruggero, and Francis had met similar fates. Someone had to pick up the pieces of this dwindled unit. It was survival or extinction, and time was running out.

One way or the other, there would be blood.

"You fucking pussies, all of you," Big Boy nearly spat. "I look up at the sky tonight and I see clouds. What I don't see are rain, lightning bolts, gusts of wind, or the promise of another few weeks of similar conditions. This is a golden opportunity: the only one we have. We sit pat, we die. We make our move tonight, we may die, surely; but there's also the chance of victory. And it's not small. I've been on reconnaissance here more times than I've screwed your sisters, which is to say I've been here a lot. It's Sunday night: that asshole will be so full of alcohol that you'll practically get drunk from the scent the moment you enter. He's going to be sleeping like a baby. So, if you're ascairt of some passed-out rummy, tell me right now. A shithead like that doesn't even deserve this honor."

Floyd, Rusty, and Dizzy had no choice but to concede. Big Boy sensed their resignment and laid out the play one final time, lest they again consider mutiny.

"Like I said, Floyd, you go for the side window. Dizzy, you have the front one. It's the second floor, but it's not too tough. Rusty has the door, which is a piece of cake. Rusty, if you get in first, hang about the vestibule. Do not trigger the light sensor. That's some moth shit. I'll come in from the bathroom drain. Don't worry about me: the bathroom door'll be open. Guy's got a dog who pisses in there, so he leaves it open.

Once I'm in, I'll check for you and give a signal. Don't descend until you hear it, got it?"

---


Big Boy knew the others didn't stand a fighting chance. They were a diversion, fodder. The windows he'd tried already. Sealed shut. The Door? Rusty would -- if he even flew into the right apartment, which was unlikely given that bastard's age -- enter and take a stab at the first piece of flesh he could see: usually the foot sole or the knuckle, i.e. not prime real estate.

But what Big Boy didn't expect when he flew out of the bathroom drain to freedom through five hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine -- or maybe I just don't want to -- was that his mark, one Oliver Ugrath, had a technology foreign to his primitive knowledge.

Big Boy didn't care, either, for he was in a state of ecstasy. Forgetting his hunger, his bloodlust, he clung to the wall and started tweaking.

Utopi___


"Better luck next time, cocksuckers," Oliver laughed as he washed mosquito splat from his hands.


---

Rusty. Tried and true. Lived.

Not for long, but he lived.

He made it past the front door. He hung around the vestibule ceiling. And when Big Boy met his demise and Oliver went to bed with a complacent smile on his face, that's when the dive bombing attack took place.

Rusty, the old man, was never very swift nor nimble, but he knew which spots to hit. So when Oliver woke up with small bites on his kneecaps, ankles, and, yes, eyelid, he knew he had been bitten.

---

Oliver. Young, dumb, and full of come.

Japanese enchephalitis would claim him at the age of 31.

With love, Rusty.



Note: Yes, I'm aware that only female mosquitoes bite. But -- word to Dostoevsky and David Simon -- I can't write women, so whaddya gonna do?

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Lost Boys: The Tribe -- Musings


Last night

(a DJ saved my life)

I got home from work, popped the new Lost Boys flick in the VCR, heated up some Jiffy Pop, and existed. These were my spoiler-free thoughts:

- So, anyway, I'm watching Lost Boys: The Tribe Called Quest, and it's going pretty smoothly; it's not great by any means, but it's decent. Then Corey Feldman shows up and starts talking like he has throat cancer.

Guh.

- But the sister is hot: she's like an amalgamation of Mandy Moore and my high school girlfriend.

And the main character is Speed Racer's brother...I think.

- All right, now Feldman is talking in a somewhat-normal tone. Method acting and Corey Feldman are like fire and something completely unlike fire.

- I am a sucker -- no pun intended -- for that "thou shalt not" song. They could remake it in any genre. What I am not a sucker for, however, is Keifer Sutherland's stepbrother -- or whoever the hell the head vampire is.

Prediction: Keifer's foster son is really just a nice guy who wants to get laid really badly.

I can relate.

- Unrelated: is it okay for me to have a faux diamond-encrusted E cell phone accessory?

- I can't picture any scenario in which I would ever wear a leather jacket -- but if I were to, it would be the Cobra Kai Halloween number at 56:27.

- I'm not gonna lie: I like that this movie is referencing/ripping off Point Break.

I'm easy that way. Like Sunday morning and shoplifting.

- The two best lines in filmdom:

1) Who's scruffy lookin'?

2) Once you join the tribe there's no turning back.

(Chills)

- All right, this flick is straight-to-DVD, and it's obviously R-rated; so why no titties?

I. Am. Forlorn.

- "Who ordered the stake? LOL

- Even if Speed Racer's brother save's his sister, that girl is still pretty slutty, right?

Vampire = no

Easy lay = yep

- If becoming a vampire is so desirable, why do they look so fugly?

Stay attractive human beings, brothers and sisters!

Bow-legged girls drive me wild, I must add.

Them, and snaggle-toothed women.

Word to Jewel Kilcher. (Kirsten Dunst gets the gas face, though.)

--

Turns out, the main character is not, in fact, Speed Racer's brother. Damn, that's like the first time I've been wrong in five years*.

I will now hang my head in Shyheim (aka the Rugged Child).


* Phantom Menace + 4 stars = Roger Ebert

Monday, July 21, 2008

The Wilderness Years (Part III)




I'm not good at multitasking (or fantasy RPG), so, as I warned you before, these posts are going to be few and far between*. My plate is kinda full, what with me having to work, finish Twilight Princess sometime this decade, read Duma Key, Lisey's Story, The Road, Watchmen, and -- my biannual ritual -- The Brothers Karamazov. Then there's Generation Kill and a bunch of other stuff**. It's a miracle that I even have time to look after the upkeep of this hallowed blog, when you think about it.

Now I know how Idealjetsam and Axl Rose must feel.

---

Word to Naomi Campbell, it's never a good idea to marry someone strictly because she's sexy. And my ex-wife used to be sexy, I am willing to testify. I am also willing to take a chance on a crazy broad if she gives good head and is stacked like Jenga, but there's a thin line. When my ex got pregnant during our honeymoon (full disclosure: I nutted in her in a hot tub, then we ate sushi and returned to our hotel so I could watch the Angels win the World Series), it was both a blessing and a curse. Word to the yin and the yang, she got a lot less crazy and a lot fatter. I hear that's what happens when women get pregnant. (The latter, not the former.)

Yeah, she was starting to resemble Jabba the Hut, but gone were the days of monster freak-outs, so I was content. I can clearly recall one day in April 2003 when we went to Yeouido to see the cherry blossoms. Her belly was swollen like the running time of the last two Pirates of the Caribbean flicks, but she was calm. And -- besides the blowjobs -- that's the only good memory I have of our marriage; and I wish I could Eternal Sunshine it, because, nowadays, when I think back on that memory, I feel like a Nazi sympathizer.

You would, too.

After the 18th Letter's birth (which was more destiny than the fucked-up scheming of a pretty stupid woman***), it was Mad Max Part 3. So I was faced with not only a crazy woman, but a fat one at that. After she recovered from delivery, I wouldn't be the only one to feel her wrath. My daughter, not a year old, was, from my ex-wife's arms, dropped to the floor out of anger. (Thankfully, mercifully, only a bump and a bruise would briefly appear on the little girl's head and arm) Later, when my ex was pissed off because Rahne didn't pee when she was commanded to, she bit her arm.

Welcome. To. The. Club.

---

Scars heal -- but vindictiveness, like cancer, is the gift that keeps on giving.

My ex-wife -- the whore -- gave birth to a baby daughter last month. And while I was filled with the utmost joy to discover that the father is a bald, 40-something American who looks like a pedophile, and that my ex weighs roughly 1021 kilograms, I'm mostly worried about that newborn.

But that's not my problem, is it?




* and dumb

** The Holy Bible, The Koran, The Torah, The Autobiography of Malcolm X, The Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual, and, finally, The Unpublished Works of JD Salinger

*** As I would explain to Legs, she's not smart, but she's cunning. Anyone who blows up a regular balloon then inhales the air inside, expecting to speak in a high-pitched voice like there was helium in it, has probaly graduated from Dumbass U with honors.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Kneel


Word to Aaron Neville and Linda Rondstadt, I don't know much, but I know I love you. All of you. Anything other than that is pretty hit or miss, especially when it comes to predicting the lasting appeal of recently-released films, albums, or flavored condoms (I used to like banana, but now it always makes me feel like I'm at the dentist's).

Blame the Internet, where Early Word has become the Holy Bible of opinion. Everyone wants to be the first to proclaim the newest thing The Next Big Thing, and people like me not only lap it up, we, through some form of fucked-up osmosis [It's called influence -- Ed], start doing it ourselves. I've been guilty of calling shit Shinola -- we all have* -- myself, but time (word to El Debarge, Boyz II Men, Above the Law, and myself) will reveal. Like Anna Kournikova posing for Playboy.

My point is,

(salmon tastes too fishy)

nobody

(loves me; it's true. Not like you do.)

knows the lasting appeal of anything, save for maybe water. I predict water will still be popular in the 22nd century. Call me crazy.

That said, I don't think it's too far-fetched to say that Arcade Fire's Neon Bible is the the greatest album of the past 10 years.

That badboy has legs.




* The opposite also applies. For example, the backlash on Indy IV: a pretty fucking nifty flick.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Draft Night (Part I)


Gavin Michaels was 13 and good, 14 and promising, but it wasn't until he turned 15 that the national media started covering him. Here was a true phenom. The lad could write, and write he did. At the 1991 National Scholastics Summer Camp For Young Writers he took home every top honor, and when his gleeful visage graced the cover of Writing Today with the headline "Hemingway Who?" scholarship offers from the nation's top universities flooded in. Speculation ran rampant as to whether Gavin would write for Harvard, Oxford, or Cambridge; and when he surprised everyone by declaring out of high school to enter the National Writers Association Draft, there were a number of opinions, ranging from "Michael's intention to enter the draft before college will one day be remembered as a cornerstone in American fiction*" to "It's one thing to write admittedly impressive short stories about girls eating bicycles and bombs disguised as tomatoes at La Tomatina, but [Michaels] has never proven that he can write anything other than interesting ideas encapsulated by a stark warning sign that the raw youth needs more time to work on his form.**"

Those opinions wouldn't matter, because one month before the draft was scheduled to take place, NWA comissioner Daniel Stine declared that the association would, effective immediately, no longer accept writers fresh out of high school.

The media storm that would follow was considerable, but the only statement from Michaels was this:

"I'm going to Europe. The continent, not the band."

Twelve years later, Gavin Michaels's notebook would wind up in the hands of WSPN writer Jerrod Keyes.

What follows is both the harrowing tale of a man's obsession with the written word and his penchant for, well, astronomy.

And shaving cream.




* A.O. Schott, The Philadelphia Writer's Chronicle

** Sonny Hawkins, The Long Island Star Ledger

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Sensational Sunday


What's up?

I'm here, because they're not, and that's what I do best. Exist. But you already knew that.

Where's Twinkles?

Did you know that Sparkles (not Twinkles) is an accomplished flutist? He's been performing frequently these past few days throughout Seoul. That's why he hasn't been around.

What's his specialty: Skin, or Pan?

You're so funny. You know the guy is multitalented, so I needn't supply you with an obvious answer.

Weren't you going to make a new podcast? Did you lose your voice, or what?

Postponed until next weekend! Idealjetsam was too drunk to perform adequately.

Common occurrence?

You'd have to ask his 'Jew friends' about that, or his ex.

What about that other guy? The guy that talks funny.

Denz? Talks funny? You're both Australian, for fuck's sake!

Yes, but I have a collection of snazzy hats. Anyway, am I forgetting anyone?

No. Wait, I mean yes!

Too late!

Hold up. Don't you want to ask me about the guy in the picture?

I only care about the feet.

Figures.