Sunday, September 27, 2015


I've done some stupid things in my life. Fewer than most people (or so I'd like to think), but more than some (probably).

Rational, sane, human beings weigh options, consider cause and effect, whether when deciding which laundry detergent to purchase or when deciding to go skydiving. We make choices. Most are sound. But not all are.

Our emotions often intersect and interfere with rationality. Especially when love is involved. People have done -- and will continue to do -- awful things to one another, or themselves, because they feel hurt or alone. Anger is a devil that can manifest itself in terrible ways.

I have always tried to be a reasonable, rational person. That reads like the opening paragraph of a serial killer's letter sent to the police, but hear me out. I also get angry at times. Sometimes I get so angry that I don't know what to do with myself. When I was an adolescent, and my parents would argue, I'd feel so upset and conflicted, and the only way I could express my feelings was by punching a hole in my bedroom wall.

That was how I dealt with the frustration I felt. I was upset, and rather than hurting other people, I chose to hurt inanimate objects: walls, TV remote controls, and, on one occasion, a flip phone. I broke it in half like an 80s action hero snapping a villains neck.

Recently, while dealing with immense stress and sorrow, I chose, irrationally, to harm myself. I could never commit suicide (I like living too much, no matter how far astray I've been led in life), but I was low. Bottom of the fucking ocean.

So I put a cigarette out on my left arm. Not fast, either. I ground the cigarette into my arm like that worthy was a glass ashtray.

Speaking from experience -- don't do that. Things can heal: relationships, surgical procedures, the disappointment of True Detective Season 2...but the pain of a third-degree burn is the gift that keeps on giving.

But even that will get better...unless the wound gets infected and you die from flesh-eating bacteria.

I'll try to get over it. But not today. Maybe tomorrow.

-- September 27, 2015

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