Saturday, March 14, 2015

Kung Fu Ninjas and Werewolf Zombies Fight All Night

Pittsburgh (AP) — Authorities called to the scene and witnesses' accounts have described it as an amateur video shoot gone wrong. At least one middle school student, Alvin Ayes, is in critical condition at Heritage Valley Hospital. Early reports indicate that two or three other students may have been involved in the incident. Their identities and medical statuses are unknown at this time.


"Jimmy, just put on the mask."

Jimmy Kent did not want to put on the horse head mask. For one, it was 34 degrees, and humid. For another, it was a stupid idea.

As written -- in the back pages of Jimmy's Trapper Keeper during third period math the previous Friday -- the scene involved two hoods: Jimmy, and Ritchie Kent, with whom Jimmy shared a surname and an eighth-grade classroom but little else. The duo would mug an old man. They were supposed to be a pair of opportunistic juvenile delinquents. They came across a drunk while cutting class, stole his wallet and whiskey flask, then got lit and spent the little money they absconded on arcade games and hamburgers before being caught in a standoff with police. The last shot was supposed to be an homage to Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid.

But now with Colin and the goddamn horse head mask.

"There's no reason for it, Colin," Jimmy protested. "Why the hell would I be wearing a horse head mask?"

"Um, because I said you are," Colin Moss answered. "If you don't want to be in the movie, go back home and watch TV and jerk off, loser."

"It's my script," Jimmy said. His voice had lost its timbre.

"Says who? Get a lawyer, loser. I have all the equipment. You're fired. Get out of here. Hey, Alvin! Want to be a star?"

Alvin Ayes wanted very much to be a star.


@moviesfordudeswholikemovies: still going ahead with the film altho one of the roles was recasted. Stay tuned for more nwes crewpies

@moviesfordudeswholikemovies: Excellent news! @Alvinaction01 is stepping up! This guy has WHAT IT TAKES


Flat and oblong. Perfectly smooth. This was the one. It had to be. Alvin hefted the rock in his hand. He had seen his uncle do twelve skips. His own personal record was eight. He was confident that he could break both with this rock. He backpedaled a few paces, planted his feet into the sand, and started running.

He stopped himself just as he reached shore, reeling to keep balance. The rock could perhaps skip a hundred times, or two hundred. But Alvin didn't want to lose such a precious stone to the bottom of Glendale Lake.

He put it in his swim trunks pocket and walked back to the high ground, where someone was playing acoustic guitar and people were laughing.


"I just can't get my head around it, Rich. You're failing French. Your mother speaks French! She was born in Marseille! Are you retarded or just stupid?"

"Maybe I'm both?"

That elicited a swat from Paul Kent. To Senator Kent -- who wasn't a real senator but who ruled the house -- a "swat" was defined as not being as hard as a punch but not as weak as a slap.

"Go finish your fucking homework."

Ritchie wanted to respond that he already had, but he didn't want to press his luck. No Whammies.


Colin Moss gathered the cast and crew "Okay, everyone, day two! We're going to make it through this! But I need you all to keep a strong composure. Today isn't going to be easy. We are all going to have to make sacrifices to see that this thing comes to life."

"I've rewritten the first scene. Alvin, you're playing the drunk. Ritchie, you and me are the hoods. Instead of mugging the drunk, we're going to strangle him then get shot by the cops. We just don't have the time to stretch out the story. Jimmy's script was full of shit like what the sun looked like shining off the bodies of ants."


"Hey, you old drunk man! Got any money? If you do, give it to me now!"

"I have money, but the only thing you're getting from me is a fistful of fuck-you!"

Ritchie jumped on Alvin and started choking him.

"Yeah, Ritchie!" Colin shouted, breaking character "This is so real! This is so real!!"

Ritchie Kent stood up and walked toward the hulk of a burned-down Toyota. He dropped his head on its rusty frame and began crying. He sobbed silently at first, but soon he sounded like doom incoming.

"Ritchie!" Colin shouted. "Get your fucking ass over here so we can finish this shoot!"

Ritchie collected himself and got his fucking ass over there, but he wasn't about to finish the shoot.

"Colin, I killed him. I killed Alvin," Ritchie said. "I liked him. I choked him until he stopped breathing. I don't know why I did that."

"Because you're an actor. You're a born star."


Pittsburgh (AP) — The trial of two teenagers accused in the death of a friend is set to begin tomorrow. 

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