Saturday, January 25, 2014

The More You Know (The Less You'll See of Me)

It has been said that knowledge is power, and armed with the five fun, fun facts below, you'll be motherfuckin' Megatron.

1. I own a copy of the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack, and yes, it's on my iPod, and yes, my favorite song from the album is Yvonne Elliman's If I Can't Have You, and yes, there's a good chance the lyrics to that song will be etched upon my tombstone, or in the case of cremation, inscribed upon the urn, or in the case of funeral pyre, whatever, because I'll be dead and there's no way in hell someone would put that much work into my funeral.

2. Speaking of songs, you know which one puts me on the verge of murderous frenzy? Marvin Gaye's Sexual Healing. Nothing against Marvin Gaye, but that song drives me up the wall. Truly, this song has forever tainted my opinion of the medicinal qualities of sexual activity, and if it were possible to have less than zero libido, this song would be the one to do it to me, as this song shuts my reproductive system down faster than an episode of The Golden Girls. In short, I dread Sexual Healing like Harrison Forbes dreads taking a dump at work, and the mere thought of it -the song, not anxiety stricken bowel movements- blackens my heart toward sex, healing, and the human race. Just saying.

3. Ever been to Hawaii?* I have, and let me tell you, this sort of thing is commonplace on the island of Oahu.

4. Thirty years later, Werewolf Ozzy still creeps me out - but in a good way, like seeing Katy Perry in sweatpants or guacamole in a burrito. The world is a strange place and such sights remind me to keep keepin' it real.

5. Popcorn-flavored jelly beans? Why, just...why? Because this is America, man! It's the land where can, not should is what matters, and this includes culinary atrocities. USA! USA! USA!

Ten bucks says there's a popcorn-flavored jelly bean in Balboa's mouth.

* That's Havaiee to you mainlanders!

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