Friday, January 18, 2013

Notes on Sex

Well now, isn't this awkward!

...But then again, is it such an embarrassing topic after all? I should hope not, for any astute reader of Psychedelic Kimchi is well aware of what lies within (be it barbarous, beauteous, or lackadaisically baroque) and thus checks his or her reservations at the proverbial door; though for the newer or occasional reader this may be an unreasonable expectation and for that, as in the potential uneasiness elicited by mere mention of a privately profane (or is it profanely private?) act (or series of acts), I sincerely offer you, Delightful Reader, the sincerest of sincere apologies for any and all of my forthcoming divulgences.*



1. What, did you envision me offering up a disturbing, wretchedly decadent tale of rim-jobbing a billy goat in honor of some obscure Greek deity? First off, it's Pan we're discussing and secondly, rim jobs aren't my thing...even if it's a goat I'm standing behind.

2. If my love life (and that's what we'll call it, for shits and giggles of course) were a movie, this would be its trailer:

3. Let's talk about capability for a moment or two, disregarding matters of inclination for the time being. A bumbling fool is what I'd expect from a teenager, and one's lack of prowess at that age could be written off as inexperience. Even into their early twenties, most people could be forgiven for focusing upon their own body, so to speak. But when you're in your thirties and still incapable of satisfying your partner, you need to go back to school, sir or madam. Sex school!** If, for example, you're a heterosexual guy who, at best, makes your partner wonder if she'll have an orgasm (with you, that is) sometime before she dies, you have a problem. If you're a heterosexual woman who gets in excess of five orgasms per encounter yet your companion has to jerk himself off due to your sexual ineptitude, you have a problem. The good news is that problems can be solved. Hooray! The bad news is that you're pathetic. Hooray!

4. Speaking of pathetic: having sex with someone because you're 'lonely' is exactly that. Granted, a majority of the reasons given for copulation are pretty stupid when you think about it, but 'loneliness' is dumber than most. Anyone using 'loneliness' as a means of justification/explanation/rationalization more than likely hasn't the foggiest notion of what constitutes either sex or loneliness.

5. Pursuant to my definition of intercourse, the last time I had sex was on February fifteenth and May twelfth, or 2/15 and 5/12 respectively. Strange but true, and if you're wondering about the meaning of intercourse as it's written in my shifty lexicon, then keep wondering, Dear Reader, for I don't twist and tell.

The Faint - Worked Up So Sexual

 * A completely superfluous preface of course, as I'm nothing if not the consummate host. 
** That's right, I just linked to a Cosmo article. The end is nigh!

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