Friday, January 04, 2013

Kimchi's Thirteen

New year, new dreams, of which there are thirteen:

- a Thor film without Dutch angles
- a Killers album unlike Battle Born
- a Murder, She Wrote reboot/remake starring Phoebe Cates or JoBeth Williams
- buffalo wing and bleu cheese flavored Cheetos (that's one flavor, not two)
- either an end to or an explanation of the recent Dewar's Scotch commercials with Claire Forlani

- 'Gangnam Style' used as the theme song to PSY's televised execution by way of safari ants
- the inclusion of a personal flame distribution device into my daily attire for the purpose of better dealing with people who think Life of Pi is a spiritually renewing cinematic experience
- a 1972 Buick Skylark coupe that I'd drive around like I were in a chase scene from Bullitt or something
- awakened from my slumber by a telepathic message sent by a captive member of the royal family, I will, against the wishes of my uncle, embark upon a journey to free the realm from the clutches of the evil sorcerer Agahnim, himself a mere pawn of a much darker power who seeks to gain mastery over the all-powerful Trifor... Shit!

- the cancellation of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
- a revision of the Pitchfork Media review system that negates the possibility of an album receiving a rating of 6.73462 and whatnot
- a holiday sweater worthy of Psychedelic Kimchi's very own Harrison Forbes
- a new twist on the popular Transformers franchise in which yuppies inhabiting a desert metropolis take the shape of real human beings, with the theme song consisting of lyrics along the line of Scum Yuppies! White trash in disguise! Scum Yuppies! Less than meets the eye!*

* I'd supply an image to go along with the lyrics, but that shit's too easy. (To humiliate, or not to humiliate, that is the question.)

No comments: