Sunday, October 07, 2012

Psychedelic Service Announcement (PSA!)

Enter Mystery Substance X

You may be asking yourself, Hey K, when did you start drinking windshield washer fluid? First of all, screw you. Secondly, if you must know, I started sometime in late 2009. Lastly, and sadly, it isn't anything of the sort.

Enter Coconut Wave

Do you like coconuts? Like all reasonable people, you do. Do you like lemons and/or limes? Probably, as statistics show that 86% of people who aren't child molesters enjoy at least one of the two. Do you like carbonated, artificially flavored beverages? Assuming you have a soul, the answer is yes. Do you associate coconuts, lemons, and limes with electric youth blue? Debbie Gibson sure as fuck does, and so should you.

In the end, how could such a drink be anything other than liquified orgasm? Surprisingly (and I hope you're sitting down for this, Mrs. Forbes) the net result is a vile concoction the likes of which haven't been tasted since you last gave C.H.U.D. a blow job.* Put another way, Coconut Wave is the soft-drink equivalent of shitty music blogs. Put yet another way, if I smashed your skull upon the curb, collected its gooey contents into a blender, mixed it up with a cup of cilantro and two cups of cobra livers and fed it to your daughter through a penis-shaped straw, she'd still opt for that muck instead of Coconut Wave.

Just saying.

* Speaking of blows, that was low of me to compare the two. Sorry, C.H.U.D.

1 comment:

Juls said...

I've read about this and I am deeply interested to taste its wonder. Hopefully.