Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Season's Beatings (Poll)


Joan Jett & The Blackhearts - The French Song

You're a 100-meter tall monster coming in from outer space to wreak havoc on Earth for Christmas but you're on a tight schedule and only have enough time to raze a single city. The question, then, is which one?

(in no particular order)

Los Angeles - And really, why not? People are afraid to merge on the freeway -or so it has been written- and now they'll be merging with your foot. Ten years from now, they'll make a movie about your exploits starring Matt Damon as the voice of the monster, Demi Moore as its love interest, and Samuel L. Jackson as its lawyer.

Ilsan - Consider it a mercy killing of the Slow Mutants, as that infectious menace has to be stopped before it's too late.*

Des Moines -  /dɨˈmɔɪn/? /dɨzˈmɔɪn/? /dɨsˈmɔɪnz/? /dˈmɔɪn/? Enough with this shit already!

Dubai - World's tallest building? More like world's biggest target - the explosive combination of slave industrious East Asian labor, desiccated, overrated and ethically asphyxiated white people prestigious Western expatriates, and rotting skyline is simply irresistible.

Tokyo - Label it a matter of tradition, custom, heritage or hell, steak and potatoes but the reality is this: if you're gonna do Earth, Tokyo is the standard by which all else is measured.

New York - Amongst other things, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man needs to be avenged, as do King Kong, Jason Voorhees, the Beast (from 20,000 fathoms), Frank Zito, various Gremlins (genius, spider, cheese burrito, etc.) and Quetzalcoatl.  

Seoul - Hey, this is Psychedelic Kimchi after all, and besides, if all those atrocious advertising campaigns have taught us anything over the years, it's that Korea deserves a slice of the intergalactic-monster pie.

London -  You've been itching for a rematch against Christopher Lee and the Queen Mum for quite some time now** and the opportunity to shove Big Ben up Rowan Atkinson's ass is merely icing on the cake.

Shanghai - The world needs to fully recognize China's role as superpower-in-training and what better way to celebrate its emergence than with a good old fashioned curb stomp? There's bound to be a few fireworks factories around, too, so it's not as if the affair will be anything less than festive.

Toronto - Oddly enough, this is the only city actively petitioning its own destruction, as the inevitable, catastrophic level of devastation is seen as reasonable sacrifice for the chance of one-upping the United States. Considering that you've always wanted to 'go GTA' on the GTA, it's a win-win situation.

Melbourne - Take that, and that! you bastion of athleticism, above-average-looking people, surfing, moderate oceanic climate and, worst of all, koalas. Yes, koalas, looking all cute as they eat their goddamned eucalyptus leaves.

Other - It's a wide, wide world out there of course and there's always room for spur-of-the-moment shenanigans. Feel free to bash Baltimore, mangle Marrakesh, pimp slap Paris, deface Dresden, annihilate Albuquerque, cremate Cape Town, etc. because here at PK it's all about choices.*** 


*For those seeking more information on Ilsan, see also: Morlocks and then: C.H.U.D.s
** And this time, it's personal!
*** Which is what I tell toddlers as I creep toward them wearing a bear suit with broken glass instead of teeth and claws replaced by ceramic knives.

3 comments:

The Artist Formerly Known as J. Astro said...

Dubai, because someone needs to put some of those snotty Middle East locales in their place.

PJ said...

Gotta go with NYC. Anything to beat the Yankees.

Sling Khidorah said...

Bean and Cheese Burrito Gremlin endorses your vote, PJ.