Monday, September 26, 2011

Notes on Vampires

I've never been enamored with vampires. Sucking blood is great for ticks, not me. As for the eroticism involved, I don't pretend to understand much about the mechanics of said -ism but what I do know is that being bitten by some douche with slicked-back hair is not high on my list of titillating experiences. It's just not that sexy. This is, of course, presuming that vampires are of the relatively modern, 'suave' variety exemplified by the likes of Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee.* If we're talking about the 21st Century Vampire, the kind that sparkles in direct sunlight, plays baseball, demonstrates a variety of super powers lifted from an issue of The Uncanny X-Men, goes snorkeling, spends an inordinate amount of time and effort upon styling his hair to look as if it hasn't been styled, files his tax returns promptly, etc. then we aren't really talking about vampires anyway, so let's drink root beer and watch Eat, Pray, Love instead.

Hot, hot, hot!
Thus far, we've established that I'm just not into vampires (and yes, feel free to crack wise about me having dated one), glittery vampires are a joke, and Eat, Pray, Love is dumber than shit. Check, check, and check.

By extension, vampire movies fail to enthrall me. Oddball exceptions (Blacula, Monster Squad and Zoltan, Hound of Dracula, obviously!) aside, such films lack a certain, albeit horrific, entertainment value commonly found in the zombie, werewolf, slasher, and killer clown genres.


Tom Holland's Fright Night is one of my favorite movies. (No horseshit, Wang.) I won't bore either of us with a synopsis, Disemboweled Reader, but it should be painfully obvious that a horror film starring Chris Sarandon (better known to some as Prince Humperdinck from The Princess Bride), Roddy McDowall (better known to some as Cornelius from Planet of the Apes) and Stephen Geoffreys (better known to some as that guy from a bunch of movies in Harrison Forbes' porn collection) is bound for greatness.

Chris Sarandon, alongside Tom Baker, made giant scarves cool again.

Fright Night has everything: nightclubs, shapeshifting, creepy mansions, pop quizzes, catchphrases, nerdy sidekicks and ghoulish henchmen, oversized scarves, nudity, a soundtrack (featuring the J. Geils Band, Autograph, and Devo) alongside a synthesizer score, convincing special effects and... and... a whole lot more! It's a maelstrom of perfection, I say. If you have yet to see the film, you really should. Like, right now. Go.

Even so, I'm not a fan of vampires...  unless there's a Belmont involved somehow.

* I lied. Christopher Lee makes everything sexy.

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