Best Kept Regrets

Inside the air-conditioned lobby of a dingy movie theater on a humid weekend in the latter half of June 1985.


--Beforehand--


Mom: Okay, kids! It's time to decide which movie we're going to see this afternoon.

Sister: I want to see Return to Oz, Mom!

Brother: No way. I'm going to see The Goonies.

Mom: Which one do you want to see, K? You're the youngest so I'll go to whichever movie you choose.

Me: Return to Oz! Return to Oz!

Mom: That settles it, then.

Brother: See you later, suckers.



--Afterward--


Brother: Heeeeeyyy yoooooooooouuuuuuu guuuuyyyyss! Oh man, that was totally radical!

Me: Shut up.

Mom: What...What the fuck happened in there?

Sister: That movie went from suck to blow for nearly two whole hours!

Brother: You guys remind me of the Fratellis right about now. You'll know what I mean once you've seen the end of The Goonies, which was an incredible film by the way.

Mom: You know, if I'd had that abortion, things could have turned out differently.

Me: Easy, Mom. Easy. Don't say that until I talk you into seeing Howard the Duck a year from now.

Brother: Would anyone like a Baabyyy Ruuuth?