Wednesday, July 07, 2010

All Ye Faithful

As I walked -jauntily I might add, assuming you won't cringe at the thought- down the street this fine afternoon I came across the oh-so-familiar sight of a proselytizer exercising her god-muscles to the utmost allowed by propriety. For those concerned with my own decorum, let it be said that I am nothing if not faultlessly cordial in any and all situations, be they public, private, or professional in nature. Longtime friends and readers alike would defend the preceding assertion staunchly (to the death, if need be) so let's just accept that fact and move onward. Anyway, as I was saying, the apostle was out doing her thing* and foreigners were, predictably, of particular interest to the dainty Virgin Kim and thus she darted forward to intercept me. I'll spare you the grisly details of the affair but rest assured it included such snazzy buzzwords as god, alcohol, gay, money, and happy; in short, the stuff every foreigner deems important. All things considered, her English wasn't too shabby though she nevertheless did a poor job of selling me on the numerous pamphlets offered save one written entirely in Korean. That one, folks, was especially alluring and here's what it contains:

(Phase 1) A baby boy is brought into this world.

(Phase 2) Whimsical childhood? Check. Dutifully sweating through the night to achieve academic goals? Double check.

(Phase 3) Moving up the corporate ladder is only natural for a true go-getter, as is marrying a foreign woman. Sipping coffee outside a castle is merely icing on the cake.

(Phase 4) At the end of a long, fulfilling life one should rest easy in the knowledge that the scorching flames of eternal torment await! Bummer. Unless...

(Bonus Round!) ...An individual accepts the one true path to salvation, in which case a citadel made of solid gold is the final destination. Rock 'n' roll.

As a sage once said, "Shit. Fuck. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" and that's just the way I like my leaflets.

* Annoying others is a full-time job, after all.


Mab said...

OMG. I need this this one for my collection!

Chicken Wire, the Harbinger of Heavenly Annotation said...

I could probably assist you with accomplishing such an admirable goal.

Mab said...

My religious propaganda collection could really use a Foreign Languages section. Any assistance would be much appreciated.

SuperFantabulous said...

Why do I always get the boring ones? Life is really not fair.

Chicken Wire, the Harbinger of Heavenly Annotation said...

Patience, grasshopper. Patience.