Saturday, May 01, 2010

Acting School

Truth be told, I've always wanted to dabble in acting* even if I'd be absolutely terrible at it (as I would be at any of the performing arts). The reasons are manifold, I suppose, but let it suffice to say that years upon years of watching people doing seemingly impossible things on the silver screen (swinging across crevices via whip, dueling with lightsabers, running around a deserted Pacific island hunting pigs and boys, getting laid, etc.) has instilled a great desire to lend my talents, however minuscule, to the theatrical craft. Inspiration comes in many forms of course, and there's no denying that Hollywood isn't the only place whence stimuli originates, be it television, stage, or low-budget productions. James Nguyen's Birdemic: Shock and Terror is no exception. Take the following scene for example.

From this, the lessons learned about successfully portraying a telemarketer are threefold:

1) Telemarketing is an extremely lucrative occupation.
2) Giving a fifty-percent discount on a two-million dollar deal is at the sole discretion of said telemarketer, and it's the kind of thing routinely handled over the phone.
3) High-fives are mandatory within the workplace.

But that's not all Nguyen's magnum opus has taught me, not by a long shot. I've also learned a thing or two about conducting important boardroom announcements.

Again, a useful tutorial to say the very least:

1) Make sure to repeat the sale number gleefully.
2) Populate your boardroom with goofy guys and attractive gals.
3) "You, you, you, you!" Don't forget to point.
4) Shit, I want to work at that company!

Yet it's not all work and no play in the town Nguyen built. When the time comes for a night on the town, it's important to demonstrate how a successful telemarketer unwinds with the woman he loves, and that's by dancing.

As you may have guessed, I'm at a loss but I'll do my best:

1) Karaoke in an empty bar oozes romance. As an actor, that shit works itself out.
2) Robot dancing is still in fashion so utilize it appropriately. Practice makes perfect!
3) Don't worry about the popularity of said bar (or restaurant) authenticating the experience. If you're dancing like you have canned heat in those heels** the audience will empathize.

To say this is all the wisdom Birdemic: Shock and Terror has to impart upon budding actors would be an egregious lie, yet there's only so much one can discuss in an evening. In the near future I'll highlight a few of the more shocking and terrifying aspects of acting but for now, take heed of the knowledge bestowed upon us all by James Nguyen and bask in his glorious ability to inspire the masses.

* And at being a radio DJ, but that's another post entirely.
** You know this boogie is for real.


SuperFantabulous said...

That's just marvelous.

Chicken Wire, the Harbinger of Heavenly Annotation said...

That's not good enough. It has to be superfantabulous!