Thursday, March 04, 2010

Triple Threat Match

Just a few minutes ago I glanced at the soon-to-be-closed poll, and I'll be the first to admit that, thus far, the voting has surprised me. Not my brain just crept out of my navel surprised, mind you, but nevertheless, an unexpected standoff is in effect.

In the blue trunks, we have Cool Ranch Doritos, the Classic amongst classics. They've been running solid for over twenty years, and there's no reason for them to stop now. Furthermore, unlike salt and vinegar chips (crisps!), there's only one brand on the radar, so a devotee's job is made all the easier.

In the green trunks, we have Salt & Vinegar. They say that age comes before beauty, though in this specific case beauty is the most subjective concept I've witnessed in my time upon Earth (barring the day Howard the Duck hit theaters, in which case I'd argue that the phrase biggest fucking piece of shit took on a life all its own). But beauty is scarcely the defining characteristic of a snack-food champion; it's flavor which carries the day, and if three whole votes represent the world at large (and they most certainly do, because I say so) then S&V is a top contender, even if these snacks are the oldest (and stinkiest) of the bunch.

 Finally, in the fuck trunks, straight from the Crystal Cave, we have the one, the lonely, Steven Seagal. While Seagal is a man of as many monikers as there are nations, I think it best to lift a phrase uttered by Apollo Creed (pertaining to himself) in Rocky IV and state that Seagal's retired more men than Social Security!* so what are a bunch of pansy-ass snacks gonna do? Better yet, have either of his competitors released an album for the ages? Probably not.

I know not what shall transpire in the coming twenty-four hours, but rest assured we're in for a battle sixteen orgasms, seven marriages, four hangovers, and two mutilations in the making.

* To be honest, I'm not even sure what that line is supposed to mean, as -and I'm just a layman here- I'm fairly certain that Social Security (as it exists within the United States) scarcely retires much anyone. If I'm correct in my understanding, the phrase manages to become even more appropriate to Mr. Seeball. Either way, consider me one happy pappy!


SuperFantabulous said...

I voted for the sea salt and black pepper chips. I'm pretty sure that means they automatically win.

Chicken Wire, the Harbinger of Heavenly Annotation said...

Someone has to put a stop to Salt & Vinegar's rampage, and that person could be you!