Beyond the Valley of the Dome

[Note: this post contains very mild spoilers (basic plot description and minor character analyses) of Stephen King's Under the Dome.]

I have a suspicion that Stephen King (No. 9 on my GNOAT list*) made a bet with someone, possibly Kristy Swanson, that he could pull off writing an epic novel over a thousand pages in length with a male protagonist named Barbie. If so, King needs to collect on that wager.

There are a ton of characters in King's latest book. The novel is even prefaced by a daunting list of its principal players. But none is more central than Dale Barbara, a.k.a. "Barbie."

And perhaps that's fitting. After all, the concept of the novel is the exact same as The Simpsons Movie: a town is cut off from the outside world by a barrier. Chalk it up to poor timing on King's part (he claims he's never seen The Simpsons Movie, although I'm more than a little dubious that Uncle Stevie never heard about the film's premise). Regardless, the novel's plot is the culmination of years (King wrote 450 pages of a novel with a similar concept, set in an apartment block, titled The Cannibals, before abandoning the manuscript in the mid-80s), a genius for crafting memorable, archetypical characters (only The Simpsons and The Wire can claim such a feat), and an innate, Rod Serlingesque gift for conjuring up what-if scenarios sifted with a light layer of social criticism**. King is a red-blooded sub-genre fanatic to the core, but while artists in other medium such as Beck and Quentin Tarantino receive praise -- as well as their share of detractors, admittedly -- for their influences, Stephen King is more likely than not relegated to airport novelist status by his contemporaries, his champions regarded as peons without the God-ordained talent to spot a shoddy writer. When King was announced to receive the National Book Awards lifetime achievement award in 2003, Harold Bloom called him an "immensely inadequate writer," comparing his work to penny dreadfuls***. Ironically, Harold Bloom has a dog named Spot and a cat named Tabby****.

So Under the Dome's main character is Barbie, a short-order cook honorably discharged from the U.S. Army. Pass Go, collect two-hundred dollars. I'm with you so far, Stevie. The antagonist is James "Big Jim" Rennie, the town's 2nd selectman, a rotund, power-hungry opportunist. If you don't catch the Bush-Cheney, Red State-Blue State conflict in the book's first couple hundred pages, you're pretty much a dumbass, but it won't affect your enjoyment of the novel one bit.

In no way is Under the Dome heavy-handed in its underlying message, however. It's overt, sure, but never does it swerve into parable. The tale is what matters most, in this case. I believe the novel will survive and flourish*****, because all well told stories do, over time; and the greatness of Under the Dome is defined by its characters and not its concept, one which is inherently Kingsian yet for the most part window dressing. There is a supernatural presence that has placed these people beneath a microscope, but you're not concerned with what caused this clusterforbes as much as you are worried about how the town of Chester's Mill will pull through it.

Trust me, while Under the Dome is at times as predictable as peanut butter and strawberry jam******, there are change-ups; characters you have pegged as key players in the "plot*******" might meet a surprising demise, while hitherto unassuming characters might make an unexpected return. And that's fair, because it's anything goes under the Dome********, and in storytelling the storyteller is king. In this case King.

What an awesome novel. Make sure you pick it up. It's available everywhere: bookstores, airports, Mars, Bundang. You won't put it down if you do.

Unless, that is, you're in outer space.

[canned laughter]

And when I say I'm picking my seat, it means I'm scratching my arse. Going to the movies, get it?

Neither do I.


* Now there's a spoiler. And while you're here -- don't worry, the text above isn't going anywhere; sit down and split a can of Welch's Grape with me, how's about? -- I should probably explain that GNOAT (Greatest Novelist of All Time) includes more than a few non-novelists. Heck, I have Shakespeare at No. 1! Let's just say that the list, if or when I ever complete it, isn't exactly objective. If it were, Roger Ebert wouldn't be at No. 11 (more spoilers!). I just thought that GNOAT rolled off the tongue a little better than GWOAT. And I was kinda drunk, kinda in this case meaning my brain was drenched in alcoholic beverages (beer, soju, Calvin Klein's Eternity). Regardless, when everything's said and done, it'll all make sense. You have my solemn word.

** When he's hitting on all cylinders, I mean. The man certainly has his share of dookies in his oeuvre (see: From a Buick 8, The Tommyknockers, the conclusion of The Dark Tower series).

*** Oh shit, Bloom probably hates on Alexandre Dumas, too, No. 6 on the GNOAT list!

**** I made that up. If you're still here -- sipping on your fizzy grape soda -- you probably don't care.

***** HBO has already optioned it for a mini-series. Can't wait to see that fucker. Fan-wank casting: Chris Evans as Barbie, Noble Willingham's resurrected corpse as Jim Rennie (failing that, Thomas F. Wilson), Patrick Wilson as Andy Sanders, Jackie Earle Haley as Chef Bushey, Vin from season six of Hell's Kitchen as Carter Thibodeau, me as Horace the clairvoyant dog...

****** DON'T READ THIS IF YOU DON'T WANT CLIMAX SPOILERS, EVEN THOUGH, WITH KING, YOU KNEW, AS ASSUREDLY AS A CANINE PISSES ON A CARPET, IT WAS COMING: there's an explosion. A big one, perhaps the biggest. I've criticized King's tropes on this blog and face to face with like-minded -- read: constantly retarded -- folks, yet King pulls it off spectacularly. However milquetoast you might compare King's writing from old to new, past to present, he thrusts down the carnage hammer in the book's climax, saving only a chosen few from its wrath. Toward the novel's end, King is an Old Testament God, punishing the wicked and virtuous alike, turning the character of Ollie Dinsmore into his Job.

******* Stephan King plots books like I make life decisions, which is to say that he makes it up on the fly, then goes back to correct his mistakes, if possible.

******** Admittedly, the book's "good guys" get far more shine than its baddies. The chess board pieces are positioned early on, and while some on the dark side are pulled into the ivory, no one from the White crosses over into the Ebony (or the Crimson, in King's world). Please don't call me a racist for that analogy. I'm skirting spoilers like land mines and using chess metaphors like a high school dropout. Go easy.