Paranormal Activity -- Spoiler-Free Review

Only one thing gives me the heebie jeebies: hornets. The other week, I was in I love Cookie, buying Cheetos and deodorant, when out of the corner of my eye I spotted a hornet as fat as my thumb. When I hurriedly approached the counter to pay, I saw three more of its brethren hovering near the store's ceiling, where, in the corner above the register, was a hole the size of a fist, ostensibly leading to their nest. And I was frozen; because, for me, the fear of possibly getting stung by a hornet is not one borne of pain (I've had more syringes in my arms than a heroin junkie) but of death. I am allergic to hornets (and wasps, and manual labor), you see, so any time I'm confronted by that fell species, the hair on my arms stands erect and a chill runs down my back.

This was the exact sensation I felt while watching Paranormal Activity. Rarely have I been so creeped out by a film. (Unless we're counting Ernest Goes to Camp.)

By now you're probably aware of Paramount's new-millennial Blair Witch Project. Paranormal Activity took the weekend box office and has a buzz* surrounding it that is unmatched by any horror film in recent memory**. And, in this case, there is truth in numbers. Paranormal Activity is a film that will give you chills.

But only under certain conditions.

Let me explain. Paranormal Activity will not be effectively creepy when watched in a) a movie theater, b) a house full of people, or c) on an airplane. No, Paranormal Activity is only scary, I will surmise, when watched alone, in the dark, and with ear buds.

Obviously, since the film was released widely just this past weekend, I had to cut a few corners*** to view it in such a manner; but trust me, it's worth it. When you get to be as old as I am (83), the scares are few and far between. I'm more freaked out nowadays by my heart occasionally skipping beats and the threat of people ringing my doorbell (census takers, Jehovah's Witnesses, Land Shark). And that's why Paranormal Activity is so refreshing, like a cool can of

(Budweiser)

Nestea after a hard day of thinking. Paranormal Activity, bless it, scared my balls off, even if it did crib too much from another well-known horror movie during its dénouement****.

Watch it now, before the backlash.

3.5/4 *_*


* Bad word choice. I'm breaking out in hives right now.

** Save for The Blair Witch Project, I suppose. That film, though, is scary like Craig Mack is handsome, and I will only accept that their similarities are shared by recording devices and the supernatural. Also: houses are scarier than forests. I live in a house every day; I sleep in a forest once or twice each year when I drink too much cologne.

*** Legally questionable activity!

**** Piranha