The PK 27 -- Game No. 2

Star Fox 64, and don't you dare ask the platform on which this game was released.* Another point you need not question is the rationale behind listing this title as opposed to, say, the original Star Fox, which is a better game in some respects.**

You're allowed to bemoan the inclusion of a game that's populated with cute, fuzzy anthropomorphized creatures, I suppose, but that's like complaining about the Care Bears: sure it's dumb, but you accepted it when you were a kid, and you'll sure as hell accept it now, because fantastical animals doing grown-up things with the mentality of adolescents has been a trope of storytelling for much longer than you*** have walked this Earth. I'm not sure where I'm going with this except to say that, much like Aesop's Fables, the Muppet Show, My Little Pony, Clash of the Titans, T.O.T.****, and all the other anthropomorphic shit that came before it, Star Fox 64 is a classic.

Ostensibly a remake of its 16-bit predecessor, Star Fox 64 went above and beyond the call of duty, eclipsing the mediocre Mario Kart 64 and the vastly overrated Super Mario 64[*V], but whatever: you -constant- retards don't even play video games (flight simulators don't count, Mrs. Kelli Sharpe), so let's get straight to the magic behind the game.

I used to sit in Andrew Garrett's basement and play this game virtually nonstop, pausing only to use the restroom (a steady diet of McDonald's and blueberry Icees resulted in some serious hammer time, if you catch my drift[*VI]), watch fascinating videos provided by Andy[*VII] Mercil's girlfriend, Ashley[*VIII], or gorge myself upon the cornucopia of snacks available from the kitchen upstairs. (You weren't allowed to bring any food into the basement, but above ground it was Thunderdome, baby![*IX])

I spent a lot of time playing Star Fox 64, trying to break the other guys' scores (if that particular cartridge still exists, boot it up and you'll see who's on top, boys and girls) and having a blast during multiplayer mode. Andrew always played as Fox because it was his house, his rules. Andy always played as Falco because he once called eternal dibs on it while I was busy inhaling a family-size bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. I always played as Peppy because the name encapsulates my identity I preferred to play as a crotchety old rabbit (think Roy Scheider in, well, just about anything made from 1993 onward) rather than Slippy, Nintendo's answer to Gomer Pyle. Who got to play as that fat amphibian feeb? It was a rotating spot designated for random participants, most often filled by Andrew's younger brother, but that didn't really matter, as the game (and its multiplayer mode) was merely an ancillary excuse to hang out with one another, and it's nice when a game reminds you of something fun, in addition to being fun.

Star Fox 64 reminds me of Surge. Surge reminds me of a softcore porno movie in which the lead character wore a T-shirt that bore a very distinctive print[*X], much to the viewers' collective amazement. That porno flick reminds me of the Fiesta Whopper (when are they gonna bring back those bad boys, anyway?). Fiesta Whoppers remind me of confiscated road signs, which in turn remind me of Urotsukidōji, a grotesque animated film watched with friends as a certain someone stole away for the purpose of losing his virginity in my parents' bed. Ah, the memories (except for having sex in my parents' bed, which wasn't me, thank god).

Useless Trivia: Since numerology is so reliable, I'll take this opportunity to inform you that the number of letters in Star Fox (7) + 6 + 4 = 17, which is how old I was when the game came out. That's what I'm talking about.

Final Note:

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* Commodore 64! Smartass.

** Music! Take the Corneria theme, for example: Original vs. 64 version.

*** or I?

**** Tolley on Teens

*V Yes, you read that correctly. Fuck Super Mario 64.

*VI They didn't call me the B-52 just because I liked to dance naked to Love Shack, you know.

*VII It's Andrew now, not Andy! Great way to assert your manhood when you're already twenty-seven years old. Honest.

*VIII By 'videos' I mean home videos. We sat through hours of Ashley celebrating her thirteenth birthday party, opening gifts on Christmas Day 1994, attempting to breakdance, and whatnot, just so Andy -sorry, Andrew- could make out with her in the backseat of his jeep while parked behind the local supermarket. But I'm not bitter.

[*IX] "One man enters, two snacks leave."

[*X] And you're like "It was a T-shirt. So?" but it was a gray, black, and white tie-dye shirt with a mountain of grinning skulls printed upon both its front and back. Decry my taste in clothing if you must, but I had one and the guy in the porno had one. What were the odds of that occurring, let alone us watching it?