Friday, June 26, 2009


It is a rare man who can use profanity and make it sound eloquent. That man is not me, at least not now. Motherfuck this bitchass fucking virus that I've had now for two goddamn fucking weeks. What began as a fever and nothing else has since reared its ugly head as: a sinus infection, a prolonged cough the likes of which I haven't experienced since high school, a sore throat that comes and goes, and a fever that, just like the sore throat, keeps coming back like Michael Myers (to wreak havoc on my immune system and my bank account, and the latter hurts more because, after all, what good is a sick gigolo?).

I have not been a very happy man these past two weeks, and for good reason. Just when I think I'm getting over the hump, I'm hit with another high temperature. At this point I don't fucking care if I have H1N1 or not; all I want is for the torture to end. The Halloween sequels after II and III (both terrible in their own rights, but they have their charms) are shitty, shitty films.

Here I sit, in front of my laptop, face flushed and sore-necked, another fever making the rounds. Legs sent me a text message a few minutes ago to inform me that she, too, has witnessed Beetlejuice's return*, and I have to selfishly wonder: is it my time to go?

Never that, but the above might explain why the Maniac Dawn resurrection was so poorly written (I mean poorerly written). It could also explain the following proclamations:

The Top 10 films of This Decade

10. The Two Towers
9. There Will Be Blood
8. The Prestige
7. The Dark Knight
6. No Country for Old Men
5. Children of Men
4. The Fellowship of the Ring
3. The Return of the King
2. The Aviator
1. Zodiac

The Top 5 Characters on The Wire

5. Bunny Colvin
4. Bubbles
3. Stringer Bell
2. Omar Little
1. Jimmy McNulty

The Top 5 Nintendo DS Games

5. New Super Mario Bros.
4. Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia
3. Contra 4
2. Chrono Trigger DS
1. Mario Kart DS

The Top 2 Types of 냉면

2. 물냉면
1. 비빔냉면

The Top 2 18th Letters

2. Rakim
1. Rahne

The Top 5 PK Contributors

5. Idealjetsam
4. TMH
3. Denz
2. Kmart
1. Tiberious aka Sparkles

The Top 5 PK Contributors in Terms of Quality

5. Idealjetsam
4. Tiberious aka Sparkles
2. Denz
2. TMH
1. Kmart

The Top 3 Reasons to Leave Your Air Conditioner on with the Windows Open

3. Fried fish
2. Bad fart
1. Smoking

The Top 5 Reasons Jack Burton is the Greatest Action Hero Ever

5. Even with lipstick, he's still more of a man than you or I will ever be.
4. He's not scared at all. In fact, he feels kinda invincible.
3. He realizes that a man would have to be some kind of fool to think we're alone in this universe.
2. He shook the pillars of Heaven.
1. It's all in the reflexes.

The Top 5 Picks in the 2009 NBA Draft

5. Signability Issues
4. Tyreke Evans
3. James Harden
2. Hasheem Thabeet
1. Blake Griffin

The Top 3 'Thriller' Singles

3. Billie Jean
2. Beat It
1. Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'

The Top 5 Corleones

5. Fredo
4. Tom Hagen
3. Sonny
2. Michael
1. Vito

The Top 5 Short-Term Flu Remedies

5. The Wire
4. Alcohol
3. Sex
2. Tylenol Cold
1. Psychedelic Kimchi


This can't get any worse. It can't.

* Fuck mixed metaphors, I'm all about the mixed Hollywood analogies.

No comments: