Suns-Lakers -- Burn, Baby, Burn

Tonight's theme is hair. Don't ask why; it just is. Ben Wallace cut his fro/braids, AI cut his braid-braids, and Von Wafer has a bro-hawk. I'd like to think I invented that term, but it's probably already been coined, like how David Foster Wallace beat me on the whole asterisk thing by a few years*. Anyway, I've had a few beers, a lot of ketchup chips, and I just heard that the Celtics will announce tomorrow that they

(hate themselves)

have signed Stephon Marbury. (Perhaps you've heard of him.) So please forgive me if this game log is a little manic. I just don't know what to think anymore.

- Cavs-Rockets is wrapping up, and we go to downtown Los Angeles, California. I wanna see some blood, whether it's pussy blood, or busting your fucking face...some blood!

- Alvin Gentry is a competent coach, but he's an even more accomplished gynecologist. Trust me.

- I'm wearing my Doug Collins repellent tonight. Hope it works.

- Barbosa is starting at point guard. I'm no basketball strategist, but something doesn't smell right. Oh, yeah, it's Steve Nash lamping on the bench in a suit. With Ill Mare out, this game just lost a few more thousand Marquee Matchup points in my book**. I will try to disguise my disappointment the same way Mickey Rourke probably did after losing out on the Best Actor Oscar: by getting shitfaced.

- Doug Collins is talking about Trust Factor. Am I the only person who thinks Collins would make a terrific life coach/inspirational speaker/guidance counsellor? Anything to get him away from announcing basketball games. He always sounds like he's crying, like he's projecting his failure as a coach onto the youngsters. Between Collins's weepiness, Craig Sager's suit, and Louis Amundson's ponytail, I'm tempted to say fuck it and throw a trash can through this game's figurative window like Radio Raheem. Voice of Reason.

- Kobe is 6-of-6 in the first quarter. Yay!

(Okay, fuck that noise.)

- The other day, during our trip to Toronto, I tried to buy two T-shirts from the Air Canada Center: one Chris Bosh tee, one Jose Calderon tee. And my credit card was declined. I don't think that was simply a coincidence. It was a prophecy. See, I'm somewhat of a clairvoyant; and it runs in the family, as evidenced by the 18th Letter's question to me last night: "Daddy, when I can see people's thoughts, can they also see mine?"

- According to Doug Collins, Alvin Gentry is a special coach. After I crash into the Pacific early next week, can someone please hire that fucker to eulogize me? I'll even write the opening paragraph: "Eoin Forbes was a very special man who could have been a carpenter or a plumber, but instead he was a writer. What a lot of people don't understand is that he used his inherent gifts as a builder and fixer to construct sentences rather than floors, tighten syntax instead of pipe valves."

- Adam Morrison is in the game, and, sadly, Collins doesn't make me feel sorry for what a shitty NBA player the guy is. I guess he's saving it for fawning over Grant Hill's lamentably sporadic career.

- I should probably note that the Suns are down by 15 at halftime. Maybe if I stop obsessing over how poor a commentator Doug Collins is things'll turn around. Probably not, though, because Craig Sager's thow-up suit just made another appearance. Are you telling me that Stern mandated players not in uniform wear suits while on the bench, that shorts shouldn't go lower than the knee...and yet Sager is allowed to assault both my sense of taste and hearing with his loud suits? Shit ain't fair.

- Apparently Ben Wallace broke his leg and Lebron had no assists tonight against the Rockets. If I knew anything about Photoshop, I'd drop a pic of Tracy McGrady as the Phantom of the Opera below. Since I don't, you'll just have to settle for this:



- Doug Collins, who I'm sure must have a restraining order against me by now, just called the Lakers the "Lackers." Somewhere in cyberspace, 15-year-old Lakers fans are calling for his head like extremist Muslims do when someone draws Mohammed. And while I know it was a slip of the tongue, I hate Doug Collins a little less right now. Two more beers and I'd let him caress my leg.

- Where is Matt Barnes? A ridiculous question, perhaps, but we are living in ridiculous times.

- Don't tell anyone, but -- word to Jeon Jihyeon -- I tapped KG's cell phone and recorded his convo with Stephon Marbury. A transcription follows:

Steph: Back one more 'gin!

KG: [click]

- The Suns are only down by 21 halfway through the third quarter. Make that 23. Ugh. A little too early to trot out your garbage time players, though, Dr. Gentry. This game is a pap smear!

- Doug Collins calls this season a war of attrition. Again, I agree. Hells bells, these pills are working!

- Fuck it, I'm done. I cannot stand to listen to Doug Collins pontificate over a blowout any longer, especially since he's making way too much sense. And there's a full quarter left. I'm going to hang myself like John Locke. Spoilers***?


* I, however, would have the last laugh.

** "Blood, Sweat, and Eye Water," available this November in paperback at all Barnes & Noble stores nationwide (in Uzbekistan).

*** They killed Cedric McDaniels!