Raptors-Suns -- Homecoming

Tonight was supposed to be a night of booze and food with friends. Instead, because I'm battling a cold that's rapidly becoming a fever, I'm watching the Raptors-Suns game at home, a cold beer in hand (no virus will deny me that pleasure) and warmth in my heart. It's been a terrific trip home, and there's still so much more I'd like to see and do, so many people I haven't had enough time to hang out with; but alas. Consider this my farewell letter to Canada, disguised as a game log and sponsored by Nyquil.

(After tonight, I can hop off the Raptors' bandwagon. Again.)

- Shawn Marion is back home! I mean, he's probably been back to Phoenix since his trade to Miami, but the insular Toronto media doesn't care about that. By the way, the collective Raptors' fans belief that a) the Raps can still make the playoffs, and b) that Marion won't Usain bolt after the season is over is pretty laughable. If I weren't crying, I'd be laughing, too.

- Jay Triano is a good coach like Stephon Marbury is a good teammate.

- I guess Steve Nash is out again tonight. Cancon is having a coniption fit. They might start pumping in canned Tom Cochrane to make up for it. Don't put it past them.

- Andrea Bargnani is playing like a champ lately. Still, it's too soon to (again) call the guy the Italian Dirk Nowitzki. Besides, who'd want to be compared to that choker. Oooh.

- Joey Graham isn't on the floor tonight. Boo-hoo. Thank god your favorite yeoman's favorite yeoman, Matt Barnes, is.

- One more for the Cliche Collector: "They gotta get him going early." I should note that the subject of that trite phrase was one Shaquille O'Neal. Yeah, Shaq is notorious for getting going early. On a smorgasboard! (I know I'm trying too hard. What can you do?)

- Marion with a dunk off the feed from Bosh. Next possession, Calderon nails a J. OMG, World Champs! To quash my cynicism, Barg's gets an and-one and makes good on the three-point play. Pencil him in as an All-Star starter for 2010.

- Time for a commercial break. I'm contemplating another beverage. (Who am I kidding? Like I really had to think about it.)

- Look, I know this post is a little prosaic, so in case I'm underwhelming you, here's a little treat:

One sexy woman

(If, like my Constant Retards, you're female, you're probably not reading this blog post, anyway, right? Right? If you are, just go back a couple posts to that pic of me wearing a bra. I hope that makes up for it.)

- Aparently, there's nobody more hip in the NBA than Steve Nash. Bias! Dwyane Wade has a few words for you, Raps announcers. Have you seen his custom Band Aid collection?

- Roko Ukic looks eerily like that kid from Freaks N Geeks. Seriously, it's uncanny.

- Matt Barnes and Jake Voshkul have some words for each other, then we cut to a shot of some guy in the stands wearing a Team Canada hockey cap. God bless nationalism. Afterward, Barnes comes with an and-one. Take that, Jacob.

- Bill Simmons...sorry, Jason Kapono, hits a J. The Raptors are within four with just under a minute remaining. Don't wanna meet them in the playoffs!

- In a perfect world, Jack Armstrong would be commentating on a national level. (Different nation, though.)

- It's 37-30 Phoenix after one. Really, we've only run through a single quarter? I need to pace myself. Excuse me while I browse Google and Naver for pics of a scantily clad Jessica "Sexiest Woman Alive" Gomes. Part portuguese, part Singaporean, and all woman. Now I definitely have a fever.

- Jack Armstrong condones sports gambling. It's a good thing the 18th Letter is safely abed. Otherwise, I might have had to write a stern letter. Get it? A "Stern" letter? (Again, my apologies.)

- We are tied at 44 with 8:54 remaining in this...the second quarter. Next possession, the Raps take the lead off of a Kapono J. Alvin "Dr. Octogonycologist" Gentry opts for a time-out.

- I have two things on the brain for tomorrow, and neither include Niagra Falls. Arby's and Taco Bell, in that order.

- Some fan shoots a halfcourt shot, granny style (props), for $77,000, and the douchebag announcer -- certainly not Jack Armstrong, the Superman to Doug Collins's Plastic Man -- has to smarmily note that he'll be taxed for it but wouldn't were he living in Canada. Good grief.

- Did you know that Grant Hill is married to Ontario native and Grammy-nominated R&B singer Tamia? You do now!

- Phoenix is up by four with just over five minutes left in the second, and I have to pee like no tomorrow. C'mon, Jay Triano, call a T, not now but right now.

- A succession of poorly played turnovers brings the crowd alive. "Are we at a roller derby here?" Armstrong asks.

- Grant Hill with a monster dunk, and I get that time-out I've been praying for. Thusly, I've been "Grant-ed" a pee break. (Okay, kill me now.)

- By the way, if I have to take a pee break on March 7 when Kmart and I see Watchmen, I'm going to hate myself, and I'm sure I won't be the only one. They don't call me The Iron Bladder for nothing.

- What do you know, I go for leak and suddenly the Raps are down by nine. That never happens!

- At the half, it's 68-67 Suns. Yes, you read that correctly. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to break for more sizzurp.

- The Raptors (laughable) quest for the playoffs contines on Sunday with a game against the Mavs; then they face the Rockets and the Heat next week. I. Will. Not. Hold. My. Breath.

- Purolator Courier, the company that always loses shit shipped to Korea, is sponsoring this game. There's a metaphor in there somewhere.

- Marion hasn't exactly asserted his presence this game. The Hyundai Genesis certainly has, though. It's the Canadian Car of the Year! Hold on...

- The Raps are up by three, and I'm 101 degrees Celcius. And climbing. As far as game logs go, I hope you all consider this my MJ flu game. If anyone were actually reading this, I mean.

- With those chicken legs, it's surprising that Chris Bosh has a bum knee.

- My bad: Marion has 18 and 8. Sometimes I really should watch these games instead of staring at my laptop screen -- and pics of Jessica Gomes -- the entire four quarters. Some analyst I am. Still, I'm pretty sure I'm a better one than Dick Vitale, even though my name isn't nearly as cool.

- 4:54 to go in the third quarter, and the Raps are up by one, 84-83. Cleveland, you don't want none! Boston, you don't want none!

- Anthony Parker nails a big three, and the Raps announcers say absolutely nothing. Either one of them had his mouth full of food, or a fan was getting a little too rowdy. I'm genuinely curiously which one it is.

- The Raps are back down by five with 2:42 to go in the third. I know you're picturing this in your head right now, which is why I'm writing so clinically about the matchup. I'm like the Slick Rick of basketball live blogging, son!

- Kaps (we're tight like that) drains a three to bring Toronto within two -- a bucket that Louis "Captain Feathersword" Amundson quickly makes up for with a flush in the paint. Or makes up two-thirds of. You know what I mean.

- After three, it's 86-82 Suns.

- Again, I come back from the lavatory to find the Raptors down big, this time by eleven. And here I was just about to promise to permanently remain in Canada should Toronto win. Fuck it: I still do. There are suddenly a lot of nubile virgins who have stakes in this contest.

- I might throw up anyway, but if the announcers compare Bargnani to Dirk one more time, I surely will.

- Just under seven minutes left and the Raps are down by fourteen. Make that sixteen. Shaq has 38 points, and I need a cold shower. Here I come, South Korea!

- Roll out the garbage time players. This game is over, and so am I. The Suns have 90 points IN THE PAINT, and Shaq has 45.

It's a good thing they got him going early.