Wanted -- "Review"

That Wanted currently has a 73% "fresh" rating on Rotten Tomatoes and a 7.0 score on the IMDB infuriates me. Ditto for Roger Ebert and CHUD's Devin Faraci giving it positive reviews. They should be smarter than that. Everyone should be smarter than that, especially intelligent people. Much in the same way the film's protagonist, Wesley, is seduced by a skeleton disguised as Angelina Jolie, I can sort of understand: it's nice to look at pretty stuff; but Jolie looks positively ghoulish, and the film's "slick" style is a veneer of sugary icing on a cake of steaming dog turd. I've watched plenty of so-called "turn your brain off" movies that are quite entertaining -- fucking Star Wars -- but Wanted is the first "turn your brain off and get bitch-slapped for it" movie I've had the displeasure of viewing.

I've hated a lot of movies -- fucking The Brave One; which, I believe, Ebert gave 4 stars(!) -- but always because the execution betrays the premise. Hell, even when the execution ass rapes the premise, I might still be on board (see: Neon Maniacs). But when a film openly mocks me? This means war.

As corny as Wanted is -- and it's cornier than Iowa on growth hormones -- what makes me despise it as though it were a McDonald's employee who kicked me in the balls after I bought a Big Mac is that it actually goes out of its way to offend you. No, seriously.

Dialog from the film's third act:

"Six weeks ago, I was ordinary and pathetic, just like you."

I've never yelled at a movie before. In fact, if you yell at a movie, you maybe should be institutionalized. But how in fuck's name does Wanted have the nerve to tell me I'm pathetic? You know what's pathetic? Wanted!

What the fuck have you done lately?

That's the movie's final line. What the fuck have I done? Wasted an hour and a half watching the cinematic equivalent of being vomited on out of spite, that's what.

(Though I will say, there's no better way to offend a person. Wanted is an offense from which you can't retaliate. Still, I tried.)

0/4 *_*