Monday, November 10, 2008

Psychedelic Kimchi: Tomb of Fertility

Today we're going to talk about the worst of the worst. The game that brought me to the brink of forsaking the Castlevania series forever.

That's right, I'm talkin' 'bout you, Castlevania Adventure, you unwanted stepchild of a third wife.

In this horrid, monochromatic paean to anal beads, you play the role of Christopher Belmont, out to destroy Dracula (like every other Belmont is asked to do in diligent fashion). You'll do just that, albeit with the speed of Methuselah. Watch and see.

You're too slow, Chris, not to mention that in this game, there are no special weapons (knife, holy water, boomerang, stopwatch, etc.) to rely upon. A player could obtain a whip that shot fireballs, but a single hit from an enemy would downgrade your weapon.

You only have three lives to complete all four (count 'em, four) levels of this shitfaced game, which wouldn't be so bad if it weren't littered with make-this-jump-or-you-die platforms to hurdle past.

The music wasn't terrible, but there is little to save this game (if anything). Just writing about this mess is likely to cause an aneurism.

Get the fuck away from me, Castlevania Adventure!

Joachim Armster


Sparkles*_* said...

Yeah, it's hard as two-day-old sheisse, but that game made me the man I am today (for better or worse). Great music, a whip that shoots fireballs, and...A WHIP THAT SHOOTS FIREBALLS!

I don't think you can call Castlevania Adventure a "bad" game. Hard, yes; poorly developed, no.

Seriously, any game that can crush your soul as a sixth grader yet redeem you 12 years later can't be too bad.

The gameplay is there, and that's what called me back.

Kmart said...

If I were to see you walking down the street, I would pretend that I didn't know you.

The game was a disgrace.