(The Fourth of) July!

It's that time of year again; the time in which the glorious citizens of the United States celebrate their country's independence.

Independence Day!

Patriotism, nationalism; it is like that, and there's nothing wrong with being so proud. Revel in the festivities of God's chosen people.

For those abroad, make certain to both emulate and revise the customs of your homeland. You don't need to verbally inform the little peoples of the world that it's an American holiday -as everyone is already aware- but make sure to wrap yourself in an American flag or, at the very least, wear a tee shirt that displays a bald eagle atop the stars and stripes, because that's what American pride is all about. Set off numerous fireworks, and make sure to blow something up real good, taking special aim toward any disgruntled minorities within the vicinity, unless they are wearing appropriately patriotic attire.

Blast Neil Diamond music from your stereo, as nothing says U.S.A. like Sweet Caroline (although Lynyrd Skynyrd makes due in a pinch). Demand this music at any bar you frequent, and belittle any establishment that can't offer such a staple of Americana. Lament the food offered to you at any restaurant because it's not as good as Grandma's potato salad, and shout things like "Whaddya mean you don't accept American currency?!?" at the ignorant staff, if only to enlighten them. Become outrageously drunk on Anheuser-Busch products, and proceed to fight anyone unwilling to pledge their allegiance to Old Glory.

To be fair, driving is not an option for many expatriates, and thus drunk driving is unlikely, but one can make up for such deficiencies. Buses, trains, and taxi cabs make great proxies for asinine behavior, and for those feeling especially patriotic, make sure to vandalize any car you come across. Bust that shit up, American style.

Make sure to remind the 46,003 Canadians amongst you that, while they may have Canada Day, every day of the year is really America Day, and Independence Day is merely the ultimate expression of your greatness. Then have sex with one of them (but no anal, because that's not how you roll).

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Nina Metro