Aces High / Kentucky Rye

Oh me, oh my. Another fantastic Masta Ace Day has come and gone, and I'll freely admit that, next to Halloween, May 13th is easily the best day of any given year. It's not just the man himself which makes the day special, nor is it a day to remind ourselves of the countless bodies that clutter the Slaughtahouse that is our lives. The day is about the music, man, and the masterful energy that invigorates devotees each and every holiday season.

Masta Ace Day is a tradition nestled within tradition; and while the food, song, and dance remain the same, the veneer is what shifts incessantly. Inclined toward the harsh, nihilistic demeanor that only a hard, ghetto upbringing can fully instill (and that is a lifestyle the boys of PK know all too well), any fan of the Masta intuitively apprehends that it's the unyielding spirit that makes -or breaks- the glorious day in question. In other words, it's about being the same snake but with a different skin. Some of you readers don't feel me, so I suggest you loosen that cuff and take a closer look at the Ace up your sleeve. 'Tis a gateway to the past, present, and forgotten future of adventure.

5/13/94: Sparkles and sister celebrate the inaugural Masta Ace Day by smashing open an Aladdin's Castle token repository, and then attempt to purchase cigarettes with that dopey currency. Successfully, I might add.

5/13/95: Denz decrees that the phrase bros before hos only works for men who are more than 63% gay, just after he finished having rough sex with the headmaster's wife.

5/13/96: Forbes and Highly successfully drag a shopping cart behind Sparkles' Suzuki Samurai down a street at speeds in excess of 35MPH, and then proceed to set the cart free, watching as the aforementioned cart hurtles away in a veritable explosion of spark and sound. A young girl is hospitalized in the process, but Forbes scores some big tits nonetheless.

5/13/97: Standing before an audience of Icelandic exchange students, Idealjetsam reads a passage from Kingston's Woman Warrior aloud, one hand raised with clenched fist. Riots ensue.

5/13/98: A council of elders (populated by the likes of Sherman Hemsley, Stephen Geoffreys, Irene Cara, and the ghost of Vincent Price channeled through Bob Sagat) set the official snacks of Masta Ace Day: Country Time lemonade, Bacardi 151, pickled pigs feet, Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls, and baby corn. Sparkles flies into a rage, threatening to start a folding chair melee if Jack Daniel's isn't added to the list. Amendment made.

5/13/99: TMH headbutts former president Jimmy Carter at a stag party. Several strippers ease TMH's agitation, while Carter promises to never fuck with the man again.

5/13/00: Masta Ace celebrates the new millennium by conquering Guam with his musical stylings.

5/13/01: Masta Ace loses control of Guam to the Backstreet Boys. Meanwhile, Denz decorates his newly acquired abode with stolen hubcaps.

5/13/02: Frustrated by the lack of enthusiasm for Masta Ace Day by proletarians, Idealjetsam, TMH, and Toni Morrison set fire to six Popeyes Chicken & Biscuits locations. Masta Ace objects on behalf of such quality biscuits, and the trio reach a compromise with Ace by promising to only kill shift managers. (Morrison is later indicted, taking a fall for the greater good.)

5/13/03: At a local party, Kmart observes coked-out friend Steve Collins launch a bottle rocket from between his ass cheeks. Inspired, Kmart launches a Black Cat 44 millimeter mortal shell toward his own automobile, and hilarity ensues. Sherman Hemsley loses a limb in the process.

5/13/04: For Masta Ace Day, Sparkles treats himself to a Playstation 2 video game console. In protest, his future ex-wife bites the head off of a cockroach and the posterior of a rat. Sparkles responds by putting the dead rat between two slices of bread and states 'You can't stifle this shit.'

5/13/05: Backstage after a Masta Ace concert, Idealjetsam and his consort (Korean sensation, BoA) chat with Ace. Ace prompts IDJ to hit Coney Island for amusement park rides galore, sans Korean singer. Via satellite, Denz annuls the sacred Bros before Hos agreement.

5/13/06: Heavily intoxicated, TMH and Kmart make a pact to actually begin working for a living. Such dedication lasts for approximately sixteen minutes.

5/13/07: Whilst vacationing in luxurious Kalamazoo, Kmart has a chance meeting with Ms. Supergirl herself, one Helen Slater. Despite repeated attempts to successfully woo the maiden, Kmart goes back to his room at the Motel 6 alone. He does, however, make sweet love to numerous Taco Bell signature items, so it's not a total loss.

5/13/08: Sparkles and Kmart, fueled by several alcoholic beverages, decide to refer to themselves as Wang Chi and Jack Burton, respectively. Sparkles repeatedly attempts to slice a bottle of Cass in half with a machete, while Kmart makes innumerable calls to a Korean automobile insurance agency, seeking his stolen truck. In an unrelated sequence of events, the dyslexic duo choose to wear their underwear on the outside (atop their pants), and several Korean men approach them enthusiastically. Somewhere, Denz cackles maniacally.



Take these examples, faithful readership, and alter your life accordingly. Grab the Ace, and never let go of the magic.

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Detective McNulty