You Read It in the Post and the Daily News

Item: I work in editing, a job I take very seriously (please refrain from laughing). Last week I received business cards that would make Patrick Bateman envious, except for one tiny error. Apparently, I'm part of the 2nd Uint. I am aware of irony, cruel gods, but that's too much. Am I really supposed to hand out my card and expect its receiver to have faith in the quality of my company?

Item: Because I'm a bigger lout than Stanley from A Streetcar Named Desire, on Valentine's Day I went out for a company dinner to the Fish & Grill, and let me tell you, their cheese roll of egg -- I'd write "egg roll," but the Chinese, those sneaky Hans, already have the market covered with that noun -- is the bomb like Daniel Henny's My Father*. By the way, know what happens when you drink 11 pitchers of draft beer in four hours? You can't sleep because you stay up all night peeing, that's what.

Item: Also on Valentine's Day, one of my co-workers gave me an assortment of bite-size chocolate bars**, one of which is called jayu shigan. Translated into English, that means "free time," or "leisure time" if you're pretentious. Its motto? "Strength for Korean children!" That doesn't beat the crackers -- saltines, not white people -- which used to advertise that they make children taller, but it's pretty close.

Item: I caught Gone Baby Gone, Into the Wild, and the clap over the weekend. Check out the directorial chops on Ben Affleck! Marvel at the leading-man talent of his brother Casey! Terrific film, mostly because, despite turning into a plot-driven whodunit in the final act, the direction, acting (try not to laugh the first time you see Morgan Freeman in the film, though, nor at Ed Harris's hairpiece), and the best dialogue I've heard in a film this year not called No Country for Old Men*** are near-perfect. Watch it back-to-back with The Departed and try to talk to your friends afterwards without using a Boston accent or shooting them. Either are pretty hard.

Into the Wild? Listen, the picture isn't particularly bad. In fact, it's quite good; and, mother of all creation, Vince Vaughn actually pulls off a role in which he doesn't do Vince Vaughn stuff. Sorta. But, man, Sean Penn made a busy motherfucking film. I mean, he threw everything into that badboy. Gimmicky graphics depicting the protagonist's letters? Check. Location subtitles? Check. Fucking chapter headings? Check, check, check it (A to the G is gonna wreck it). There's more text in that movie than Orwell's Animal Farm, I'm convinced. But wait; we're not done.

God no.

Voice-over narration by not one but TWO characters? Check it like strikeouts by Josh Beckett. Breaking the fourth wall? Ayup (was Penn trying to break every cinematic don't?). Shot of protagonist with head back and arms lifted (AKA "The Shawshank Pose"), combined with the circle-strafe shot en vogue with every goddamned young director or student filmmaker? Jesus was a carpenter, check. Eddie Vedder singing loudly and scaring my dog? You betcha.

Like I said, a busy movie. The Academy has made a lot of errors in its time (Citizen Kane, never forget), but thank God and Olivia Hussey's cleavage they didn't nominate Penn for Best Director. That would have been like me getting a raise even though I continually misspell cat****.

Still, I cried like a little bitch at the end, so at least it has overused Bill Murray quote.

Item: If Kimbo Slice isn't the singlemost triumphant name since Dirk Diggler or Richard Fuchs, I don't know what is.

Item: At work, I'm not allowed to mention the Falun Gong in anything which will be seen/read in China. Proof that Korea is secretly China's bitch? Dollar, dollar bill, y'all. Conversely, I'm encouraged to call sushi "fish on rice" and tempura "various fried shit." Then again, save for kimchi (which I maddeningly have to spell gimchi), Korea has its own inferiority complex issues vis a vis its cuisine. The next time I'm forced to type "rice with mixed vegetables" instead of bibimbap*****, or "soy-bean-paste stew" instead of doenjang jjigae, I'm liable to go on a killing spree. Get some fucking swagger, okay? Stop being that shy emo kid who believes the world doesn't understand him, Korea.

Item: I missed another All Star Game/Weekend. Apparently Kobe played three minutes because he's nursing an injury which he doesn't want to have surgery on because he wants to help his team win a championship and play for the cursed US Olympic squad. (Deep breath.) My question is: you can't play in the All Star Game but you don't want to miss playing the Atlanta Hawks in two days for a regular-season game. Okay, that's not a question, but this is, tough guy: where the fuck are your priorities? How hard are the drugs you're doing? Kob, if I may call you so, I find you repulsive, yet interesting at the same time. Like a serial killer. Prediction: someone's going to die. A woman's intuition is never wrong. (Except when it always is.)

Item: Lemonade was a popular drink, and it still is, despite Super Junior's effort to sabotage the whole operation.



* AKA There Will Be Mean-Spirited Laughter

** and a blowjob

*** I still haven't seen I Drink From Your Milkshake, also known as There Will Be Blood.

**** I'm not saying that's true, but neither am I denying it.

***** Give yourself more credit, Korea. It's Gwyneth Paltrow's favorite food!